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❝ to the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered ❞

recent update :

written on Sunday, December 13, 2015 @ 11:36 PM

anime, angel, and kawaii image

everybody said that the plan would never work. it was far too risky. i mean, how can people expect her to be safe after her attempt of saving me? it took a mountain of courage for her to stand by my side while i was standing on the edge of the building. the memory was still fresh in my mind. i could even remember the smell of the city. it was the smell of people burning the leaves mixed with trash. it was horrid. like it was a sign that my existence was up to no good.

we have been friends ever since we were in our mothers' wombs. i knew her even before she knew herself. i had always admired her beauty. the inner and the outer. i always thought that maybe even without her beautiful, complexion skin, she would still be a beautiful walking skeleton.

the first day of fall was the day when everything was falling apart. everything went pale. i felt worthless. a few questions popped into my head. why was i still here? what good will it bring to me? what good will I bring to people? the answer for all of the questions was suicide. i wished i had a better reason to end my life, like my father abused me or i was bullied. however, i did not have the reason to feel this way. i had a happy family and they all loved me. maybe that's why i had the tendencies to kill myself. i felt like i was not meant to be in the perfect picture of a happy family.

gratitude was a strong feeling that i felt to have her as my friend. she was always there to brighten up my day when the sun was hiding behind the dark clouds of thoughts of mine. although, the feeling did not last longer than i intended it to be. as soon as she went home, i began to plan on how to end my life. i even listed up the pros and cons. like what would happen after that. i used to be scared of dying but i could fear death no longer. i had died a thousand times.

i chose the day of Halloween so i could disguise myself as an ecstatic girl. or an angel. who would have thought? i decide to jump off of a building because the last thing that i wanted to do before i die was flying. i climbed up the stairs with my angel-like costume. the adrenaline rushed to my whole body. my heart was leaped with enjoyment but my legs were quaking.

i did not acknowledge that somebody was following me all along. too excited, i guess? i could feel a hand laid on my shoulder. i instantly recognised whose hand was it. i was right. it was her. the amount of guilt that i felt was unbearable.

"why are you doing this?" she asked me a question which i have the answer to. loads, even. somehow the words just could not get out of my mouth. like it was pulling me back up in my throat.

"you don't deserve this, Brooke. you deserve to live." tears started to roll down her cheeks. "hey, i got nothing to lose. nobody knows my name. i got nothing to gain neither. the day doesn't seem to change. it just happen to be stormy all year round."

"i cannot be all that you need me to be, Becky. we have got good things going. we even have some promises to keep. but my addiction it can be such a detriment," i said simultaneously let out a breath that i did not realise i was holding back. "but you don't deserve this." she sobbed. she then looked at me with her beautiful emerald green eyes.

she was right. i did not deserve this. my mind flashed back to when i was staring at my crush like i wanted to be stared back by him. he did. it just happened to be that he was not staring at me. who would want to gaze at a timid, shy girl who basically lived under her hoodie when she was standing right beside her exquisite, tall, Victoria's Secret model-like friend? as always, Becky was the one who got everyone's attention.

i finally realised that she was the reason that i want to kill myself. she had always got everyone's attention. she was this smart, intelligent, beautiful, perfect little American sweetheart and i was this shy, timid, introverted American psychopath.

"you were right, i don't deserve this." she began to wrap her arms around me. "but you do." i pushed her off the building. she gave me a betrayed look on her face before she fell. her screams echoed throughout the whole town. i looked at her as she was falling. just like how she just looked at me even when she knew i was falling apart.

people often forgot that the devil was once God's favourite. the devil was once an angel. the devil was the fallen angel. just like me, i was angel for halloween but it was all a disguise.

she should have expected what she was going to get when she took the risk. i finally got everyone's attention. everyone now would look at me with their sorry faces. i was known as the friend of the girl who committed suicide. she would now be always remembered as the fallen ones, and i was the hero who failed to save her. when the truth is, she was the victim and i was the unsung villain.

ok so, i rewrite back my spm's essay as soon as i came back home. i don't know if this is the same exact as the one that i wrote during spm. but this is what was it as i can recall. so yeah. heh. bye.

Carpe Librum,


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