nothing and everything
Posted Monday, October 31, 2016 // 7:03 PM
i haven't been writing for quite awhile, some time now. i don't know. it feels like i cannot function. some of the words seem to get stuck in my head. like i have amnesia or something. i used to write smoothly. at first i thought maybe it's just a writer's block. i still think it is. but i don't know. it feels like something much deeper than that. even talking about this makes me hate myself so much. because it hurts, not being able to do things that you used to be good at. probably i just didn't try hard enough.
i am kinda blacked out, for passed few months or weeks, i don't know. i have lost my counts. i mean, i don't know if it's depression and anxiety. i think it is, quite certain, even. but then i used to go to the counselling session in the hospital, but the counselor said that it was nothing. like it's just a phase. nothing's bad. then, i went home and started to live a normal life. i think it is. it has been good for like a year or less than that. but then it came back. so, is it just a phase? am i just making this up?
what i felt was like empty and heavy at the same time. i don't know how to describe it. it is either i feel nothing, or i feel everything at once, or both. i mean, i do have some happy moments. i can laugh, smile, be happy with my friends. but then, it didn't last long. and there are some of the time where i feel nothing. a total numbness. sometimes i think that my brain might be tricking me or some sort. like maybe it's sadness. but i know for sure that this is not sadness. or maybe it is. maybe i am just exaggerating. we'll never know. but it kinda sucks. i mean, feeling nothing, and everything, all at once. is this normal? i don't know how to seek help. i just talk to my friends and my boyfriend, that's all. at least, that makes me feel less burdened.
but then, there also comes the time, where i was sitting alone by myself, feeling totally okay with it, having some time with myself. and then,.. PANG! there comes the suicidal thoughts that i thought would be gone for good and for ever. it came again. no, i don't want to die. no, thank you. i mean, dying is scary, i don't have problems with dying. but i don't need to think of it. i used to want it, but now i don't. i don't even feel like i want to die. but then, the thought comes. it has been there before and in consequence to the event of my suicidal thoughts, i often forget to look both sides before crossing the road. i don't know why. i still am. i don't want to die, that's for sure. but somehow i just feel like i should want to die.
it scares me that what if one day, my body stops fighting. and then, i'd choose to do it. i don't know. what if, one day i started to defy mother nature. is that how suicidal people feel? like they don't want it but something is making them doing it.
and another thing, my addiction: self-harming. relapsing is another thing. i don't fucking know how to deal with this one. i am happy. i feel happy. at least i think i do. or maybe i just feel like i don't have a good reason to harm myself. but still, i do. it pains me that i have to hold myself from doing it. all the mental pain actually turns into physical pain. i can actually feel the pain. and then i do it, to take over the pain that i have been feeling. i feel like i am in control with the pain with how deep i want the cut to be.
what bugs me a lot is when i got cuts by accident, and said that the cut hurts, people started to say things like"you used to cut, you are supposed to be immune from feeling the pain, right?" "i mean, you cut yourself. you should get used to it." what people don't understand is that it's different. accidental cuts, i don't have the control on how much of the pain that i want to feel. there's nothing similar with self-harming.
i also have been trouble sleeping. sleep paralysis, i got that quite a lot. and it is scary. i feel suffocated. i either starve myself of stuff myself with food. i don't know. everything is different. is it hormonal? i hope so. because i'm tired of people telling me to go out and talk to people, be happy, etc. it's not like i don't do that. i did. but it didn't work. it is as though people are telling me to do this, this, and this. but it didn't help. they are handling me the manual of surviving, but the manual is blank. i don't know. i've tried.
right now i am just surviving. i have forgotten how to live. sometimes, i am jealous of someone who can actually feel things the way they should feel. i missed being normal again. i want to feel happy, sad and then happy again. but i can't. it seems like i am hopeless. i don't have hopes of feeling happy anymore. i don't want this. i want normal. let me be normal. let me live. i want to be a kid so bad. i don't want to feel this kind of thing. i don't know anything anymore. i just, don't know. i am tired. i feel lethargic.
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