❝ to the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered ❞
recent update :
|
10. Pages of 365
written on Saturday, January 18, 2014 @ 2:37 PM
Page 1 of 365.
I’m listening to
“Asleep” by The Smiths while writing this. Today, 8:57 a.m., you were found
dead. In your bathroom. You were found dead on the very first day of the year. I
can already picture myself 364 days later. On the same floor. On the exact
place. And I promise you, people, I will be found dead by the end of the year.
I promise.
Amber.
Page 5 of 365.
4 days without
your existence. How can I survive 360 more days without you? Everybody really
does change. Drastically. I mean really. The sound of laughter starts to fade.
The sobbing gets louder each day. It annoys me. I tried to make them laugh but it
didn’t work.
Emerald, what would I do?
Amber.
Page 6 of 365.
I start to think
about death. I think, “why not today?” but then I remember I’ve made a pledge
to myself that I will end my life by the end of the year. Oh, and today at
school, Justice plays again. It’s beautiful. Really. I guess he missed you so
he started to play the piano again. He created the song, “Emerald of My Heart.”
Do you want me to describe it? The song is so you. I can hear your laughter and
smile from that song. Justice really is a psychic haha. He managed to create the
song well enough. The song is so about your feature and flaws (even though you
don’t have one) but trust me I was amazed. I still do.
Amber.
Page 9 of 365.
“Does it makes
sense?”
“What?”
“If I have
suicidal thoughts?”
“Nonsense!”
Why is that? Why
did everybody do not believe that I have suicidal thoughts? Is it because I
always smile and laugh? Is it just because I look normal like everyone else? Is
it? What do they expect if I have suicidal thoughts? Talk about death
in front of them? Talk about
depression in front of them? Is it? Why does everybody expect that I have to
act like I have suicidal thoughts in front of them? Or maybe they expect that I’ll
kill myself in front of their eyes?
I thought they
understand well.
Amber.
Page 11 of
365.
Mom and dad
fought again. I’m tired of this bullshit. All I ever done all day is listen to music and forget the world. I wish you were here besides me. I went to our
place. The sunset looks so beautiful. Reminded me of you.
Amber.
Page 13 of
365.
I have locked myself
in my room for about an hour. I don’t know why, I keep staring at the mirror. I am starting to feel like I am not enough. Like I have never been enough. The tears
suddenly fall. I’m crying. Yes. I’m crying. I don’t think and I don’t care. I
just grab the blade on the table. I slit it on my wrist. It’s bleeding. The
blood went all over the floor. I cut to release the pain inside. But I can’t
end my life right now.
I have never feel
like I’m home ever since that day. I don’t know why. Even mom and dad judge me.
They never heard my voice deep in my heart. There’s nothing I else i want to do rather than
killing myself. But I can’t. Not today. There’s something that I must do before I
end my life. I promised you. Right, Em? When they heard the news, they cried.
But i know they just fake it. They felt bad because they hurt you all the time. I missed you so much. I can’t find the words so I just left it unsaid. Without you, this home isn’t home anymore.
Please come
back.
Amber.
Page 27 of
365.
Do they even
care that I’m still alive? Do they even appreciate my existence? They don’t.
People only care when you’re dead. Just like Caroline, crying over your death. They
took you, I mean us for granted. They told you that they feel sorry for us but
they actually don’t. In fact, they were smiling behind those fake, fake tears.
You know what? I’m so done with people. They got nothing to do than pretend to
care.
Do you still
remember the day Miss Alexa tell us about her twin brother, Xavier? His brother
is dead. He had cancer. It sucks. Knowing that you will be dead because of a
disease and the side effects are even worse. Miss Alexandra looked so miserable
today. I guess she missed her twin brother like I missed my twin sister. You.
Please wait for me by the end of the year.
Amber.
Page 32 of
365.
I found our
picture when we were kids. Those memories. If only I could keep. If only I
could replay. Then, I would. But that is impossible. Remember the first day we went to the beach? And you got bitten by the baby crab? You cried haha. Well
apparently when we were kids we didn't know that life is so much more painful than
got bitten by a baby crab.
Every time I
miss you, I look at the mirror so I can see you in myself. Thanks to God, He
created my face just like yours. But yours are so much more flawless than mine.
Those green eyes. Just like the color of Emerald. Suited with your name. I loved it
when the sun shone on your face. On your pale face. And the
freckles. Not to forget when you blush. But I am so much different than you. My
skins got a little bit tanner and my eyes are grey. I am far beyond your
definition of beautiful. You are way more perfect.
Amber.
Page 39 of
365.
Today I met a guy. He has your eyes. His name is
Hunter, I believe. I am in love, Em. I really do. The way he smiles. His bone
structure. God. I am so head over heels.
Amber.
Page 45 of 365.
If only you were here, Em. I've missed telling you my
stories. Remember our cousin, Summer? She broke up with her fiancée, Flynn. I
felt sorry for her. She talks about Flynn all the time. She really needs to
move on. I know it’s hard but she has to. She has loads of admirer. I mean,
who am I kidding? She’s beautiful. Who wouldn’t fell in love with beautiful
girls, right?
Oh, talking about love. I talked to Hunter yesterday.
Apparently, he lives five houses away from ours. And he draws. EM, HELP ME! I’m
drowning in a sea of love.
Amber.
Page 58 of 365.
Have you ever felt so left out? When everybody just
ignore you. And your friends wouldn't talk to you anymore. Because that is what I
feel. Sage and Destiny have stopped talking to me. They said that I have been so
different ever since you were gone. I have to admit that I REALLY am changing.
But that doesn’t mean they have to stop talking to me. I mean. What did I do? I
don’t remember hurting their feelings. SCREW THEM. They don’t feel what I feel.
They don’t know what it's like to lose a sister. Selfish.
Amber.
Page 62 of 365.
Remember Miss Alexa? She talked to me. She was very sad
about her brother. So do I. I told her I knew exactly what she has been feeling. I told her
to stay strong yet I’m the one who break down all the time. How hypocrite am
I? Nah. I couldn’t care less about myself. Because my life is nothing without
you, my sister.
But you know what? She is going to get married this week. I
am so happy for her. She told me everything about her husband-to-be. She sounded so happy but still drowning in sorrow because his brother won’t be there on her wedding day. And
then I thought I will be in the same situation as her when I get married one
day. BUT THEN I REALISED, I’m going to be dead by the end of this year.
Amber.
Page 67 of 365.
I snuck out yesterday. It was great. I was all by
myself. I walked pass by Hunter’s house. He really has nice front yard. Don’t
ask me where I’ve been. I don’t know. I just walk all along the way. I feel
like I was sleepwalking. Maybe I was just finding the light.
Amber.
Page 75 of 365.
I was listening to The Smiths all day long UNTIL
HUNTER TEXTED ME. I don’t know where he got my number. I don’t care but I'm so
in love with the way he arranges the words. He is a good writer. It feels good.
Talking to a good writer.
Oh and yesterday I went to our favorite bookstore. I’ve never been to that store ever since you were gone. I don’t
know. But I felt like reading. I found this book entitled The
Perks of Being a Wallflower. I slipped into a page. And there’s a poem. About
suicide, I believe. I fell in love with it the same way I fell in love
with Hunter.
I’ve read it like seven times or maybe eleven. I don’t
know.
But my favorite line is;
“And he called it
"Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didn't thinkhe could reach the kitchen.”
And I’m starting to plan
how am I going to kill myself. Drink a bleach? Maybe.
Amber.
Page 93 of 365.
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing for such a long time. I was busy, reading. And the test is around the corner. So I guess I need to pay
attention to my studies. I will never forget you. In fact, I
missed you like HELL, you can tell. By the way, Hunter moved to our school and
he’s in my English and Art class. He sits two rows in front me. I looked at him
all the time. He is soooooooooo hot.
MISS ALEXA IS PREGNANT. I know right. I’m so happy. I really hope she gets a twin.
Amber.
Page 101 of 365.
I. Freaking. Hate. My. Life. What is with everybody?
People call me MAD. What is wrong with those bitches? Mom and
Dad fight all the time. My grades were messed up. Why does it feel so long
before the end of the year? God. Please make time goes fast.
Amber.
Page 115 of 365.
GOOD NEWS! Hunter asked me to go out for a date with him. He said
I’m different. For the first time in forever, I feel loved. Today, I woke up to
his voice. Ahh. Sweet life. He called me and ask me out on a date. I am going
later. Oh by the way, do you mind if I wear your make up? Because I don’t have
one. I wore the black and turquoise floral dress from Urban Outfitters that bought together. Remember? But yours is coral blue. It’s the first time since your
funeral, I wear a colorful outfit. I’m so excited.
Amber.
Page 119 of 365.
Remember I told you that Hunter asked me out on a
date? Nothing is up. But i am going to tell you. That was the best day ever.
Ever. I finally did something. I finally smiled and laughed without forcing or
faking it. That was the day I felt like I don’t want to end my life.
We went to a carnival date. We went to the roller
coaster, Ferris wheel and took pictures at the photo booth. And he kissed me.
He said it tastes like cotton candy.
Amber.
Page 127 of 365.
I went to the store again today. I spent my
whole day there. Until Hunter called me and asked me to go to dinner and watch
movies.
I found this book but I don’t know what it’s called
because the front cover was torn. Just like my heart when I saw you lying on
the floor. Dead. And my heart just stopped and I thought I, too, was going to die. Unfortunately, I wasn't. But the story is
amazing. I hid it on our secret shelf so nobody can take it.
The story was about adoption. It was great. I will
write you a review once I finish reading it.
Amber.
Page 145 of 365.
I cut again today. The whole school now call me a “depressed
bitch”. I don’t understand. What did I do? I don’t know where I should hide my scars
anymore. Everything gets worse when you’re not here. I almost thought about
ending my life tonight. Then, I thought that I must fight back and get back up.
That is why I cut. I needed my strength back.
Amber.
Page 152 of 365.
The principal called mom today. She said that I got
suspended on the last day of school. I don’t know what did I do. And mom was really mad at me. She grounded me. But I don’t care since Hunter went to Sweden
to visit his grandparents. So I don’t have any reasons to go out.
I don’t understand people. They thought they were
right all the time. They only judge based on their point of view. They never
want to hear our voices. Even if they want to, they will never care. They will
fake a frown, hug you and secretly stab your back. And when they let go,
you can feel yourself dying.
I hate people.
Amber.
Page 157 of 365.
Mom and Dad are going to send me to Grandma’s house.
Seriously. That is really gonna help me, I tell you. But I don’t give a single
damn about it. Because I know deep in their heart, they want me to be on the floor
that night instead of you. So why would I care for someone who wants me to be
dead. Right, Em?
Amber.
Page 212 of 365.
I haven’t been writing for such a long time. I’m sorry. I
thought I have lost this book. But I just forgot to bring this
book along. Nothing great happened. So I guess you don’t want to know about it.
Oh, and Hunter brought me to the park. We had a nice
stroll. Really. He held my hands. And I told him about the people in school and
he told me to ignore it. So I did. I went to the school today and felt like a
warrior. I also told him about you and how much I missed you and he said he
knew you. And I just kept telling him about us. He just smiled and didn't say a
word.
Amber.
Page 217 of 365.
SERIOUSLY. I feel like I want to run away from this
house. Yes, house, not home. Because i don’t feel like I’m
home. “Home is where the heart is.” And I don’t think that I really want to
continue living in this house.
You know where is my home right now? I can feel like
I’m home when I look into Hunter’s eyes. I get the same feeling when I’m with
you. When I hear your laughter.
I went to your grave today. I don’t know if you could
see me or what. But I felt like you were right beside me. Remember our first
ballet performance? You danced so beautiful. Gracefully. Not me. I was a terrible
dancer. Even mom and dad said so.
Amber.
Page 229 of 365.
I went to clinic because I missed my period. And I have been feeling dizzy all the time.
“You are two weeks pregnant.”
Pregnant. Yes. I feel so miserable right now. I don’t
know what I’m gonna do. Should I keep it or abort it? I haven’t told Hunter
about it.
Amber.
Page 234 of
365.
“What is
happening to you, Amber?
What is with the
bad grades?
What is with the
cigarettes?!
God. You are
killing me.
Why can’t you be just like your sister,
Emerald?”
“I’m sorry I was
born as Amber
and not Emerald.
I’m sorry I’m a failure.”
Seriously, screw
everybody. They just want you back. And they don’t even want me to be here.
Amber.
Page 245 of
365.
I told Hunter
about it. He was terrified. So do I. He said he is not ready for everything. He
is only 17.
He gave me a
drawing. He drew me. But I realised the color of my eyes is green on that
picture. So I asked him.
“I’m sorry. I’m
not in love with you. I thought you could be the same as Emerald. But you are not. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“I understand.
I'm sorry too.”
So he just left
me. He left me speechless. He said he need some time. So I gave him. But I
waited for 4 hours and he didn’t come back.
Amber.
Page 266 of
365.
Mom and Dad
didn’t come back to our house. It’s been a fortnight. I’m so worried. I want to
call the cops but I’m not ready to hear the news. What if they are dead? I
have nobody else then.
Em, what should
I do?
Amber.
Page 283 of
365.
Mom and Dad were
found dead. In a car crash.
Em, everybody is
dying. Just like you.
I haven’t heard
a news about Hunter since the day he left me. And then today, as I was
mourning to mom and dad’s death, Hunter’s sister, Ingrid, called me. She told
me that Hunter’s body was found dead at the lake near the park. He killed
himself. The police suspected that he killed himself the same day I told him
the news. He never come back. And left me with the baby.
I really miss
being home. I miss his eyes.
Can I end my
life today?
Amber.
Page 300 of
365.
Don’t ask me
about school because I haven’t been to school for a month and a half. The
teacher came to our house but I didn’t open the door. My life is a mess. I think
I’ve been expelled. Why should I care? I will be gone soon.
Amber.
Page 330 of
365.
I went to your
room. Went through your stuff. I wore your dresses. I tried to look like you. But
I failed.
Amber.
Page 352 of
365.
I haven’t seen
the world. I miss the sunset. I miss the stars. I miss reading the book. And I
really want to know how the story ends. So I stood in front of the mirror. I
didn’t see myself in you. I thought I never see myself like you. People were right. I am so far different from you.
You looked so
innocent. I look like serial killer.
Your hair was
perfect all the time. Mine is a big mess.
Your smile is so
sweet. Mine is full of revenge.
I guess I know
now.
I know that I
hated you Emerald Crystal.
Amber.
Page 364 of
365.
One day away
from my death. People will be clapping for sure when they heard the news.
I have to admit.
I lied through my whole journey. I lied about how people died.
People weren’t
dead. I killed them.
Yes. I did.
I killed Hunter.
I pushed him into the lake.
I
killed mom and dad.
I messed up with the brakes so they will crash the car.
But I never killed you. You killed yourself. But I made you do it. I hate you
ever since. I never liked you. People loved you. But they hated me. They have never
wanted me to be here.
They thought I was the one who lying on the floor, then
they realised it was you. The whole world was crying.
But as soon as they’ll
find out I'm going to be on the floor, they will be smiling.
I’m sorry I was
smiling when I found your dead, dead body.
Amber.
Page 365 of
365.
Today is the
day.
I will be gone
with this child.
GOODBYE, CRUEL
WORLD.
Amber Diamond.
----
BANG!
--she was found dead in her sister's bathroom.
this is just a story i wrote. none of this is real so don't worry. i hope you enjoy it. i'm glad if you like it. i'm sorry if you are not. oh and i'm sorry for the terrible grammar. Labels: short stories 0 comment[s] | back to top |