❝ to the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered ❞
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28. Sleep Tight, Sunshine.
written on Monday, October 5, 2015 @ 3:58 AM
"Noah! Noah! Wake up you lazy bum!" Maddie's voice cracks up the silence. She starts to bounce up and down on my bed. I stir, still cannot open my eyes like it has been glued together. After a while, Maddie went silent. I thought to myself that I can still go to sleep for few more hours. It is Sunday, I am not supposed to be working unless there is an emergency call, which I hope so not. As my mind starts to drive into the dreamland, a small figure jumps onto my back. "WAKE UP, NOAH! WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!"
"Madison, please. I am trying to sleep. I am so so so tired," I beg, in a grumpy voice which is not sexy at all, unlike what the girls usually say. Maddie starts to fake crying because it usually works. "You promised to bring me to the Ice Cream Shop and listen to me singing for my recital." I let out a sigh, slightly annoyed. I open my eyes and see her smiling at me with her crooked teeth showing. Here's a thing about Maddie, nobody can be mad at her for too long. She is a bunch of cuteness that is too hard to handle, despite the fact that she is actually a down syndrome kid.
Especially when it comes to her eyes. She was born with different coloured eyes. She has a jade-coloured eye the right side and ocean blue on the left side. Needless to say that her wavy ginger hair, also can be one of the attractions that she has. Nobody can look at her without taking a second glance. She is odd. A beautiful kind of odd.
I get up and change myself into a sitting position. We both sharing glances. Before she knows what I am about to do, she laughs and starts to run. However, her tiny little legs cannot go any further than mine, I manage to catch her and bring her into my arms. "Where do you think you are going, dear missy Little Red Hoodie," I tickle her and her laughter echoes throughout the whole living room.
"Go and bathe, you stinky bud," mum shouts from the kitchen. I can already smell waffle batter. The usual menu for Sunday morning. I just smile and go to the bathroom to take a bath. When I realised that I am starting to plan my future, I know it is the right time to get out of from there. I pick a plain white shirt with ‘Professional Paramedic: Don't Try This at Home' written across it which I got for my birthday this year from my colleagues. I then pair it with a black skinny jeans and put on my beanie because let's be clear, my hair is a mess.
I walk myself to the kitchen and take a deep breathe to let the smell fills up my lungs. They surely do need some good taste of air sometimes. Do not know if that is medically approved but who cares? Maddie has already eaten 3 pieces of waffles. I take the plate and place two waffles and top it with whipped cream and fresh strawberries. As soon as I put it in my mouth, I can feel the whipped cream melts in my mouth. Tastes like heaven, as Maddie would say. I stroke her hair. Mum has put her hair on piggy tail today. It has always been her favourite hairstyle. She says that it shows her facial structure even more although she barely has any. She is too mature for her age.
I still remember the day dad left us. As the people around me were shedding tears, I let out a sigh of relief. Maddie was 6 years at that time and I was 16. The only question that she asked me, I spend my whole life answering is, "Why can't our dad just love us like any other fathers could, Noah?" The sobs and the tears that fell. It is still fresh on my mind. It does not do any justice for a 6-years-old girl who still craves for her father's attention. Somehow, I feel like dad should have left us before Maddie was born.
It has been almost six years since dad left in peace, leaving us in pieces. Every month in 3 years, his drug-addict friends would come and ask us to pay his debt. Sometimes we failed to do as we were told, so they would always find anything on the house to break. Until that one fine day, the police finally came to the rescue and locked them up in prison, where they belong. I hate dad. He broke us and we are the ones who have to pick up the broken pieces, getting ourselves bruised and wounded from doing so. I hope the police has caught him and place him with his friends.
I look up to Maddie and ask her, "Shall we go now?" The sparks from her eyes shine brightly which literally answer my question. We go to the usual ice cream shop and Maddie always chooses the same flavour which is Rocky Road. I go for the Salted Caramel for today. "So Maddie... You said you want to sing the song for your recital performance to me?"
"Oh, yeah yeah yeah! I almost forgot about that." She stands up and straighten her dress. She even clears up her voice which made me giggle. "Good Morning, teachers and friends. I am Madison Soleil Williams, and I dedicated this song for myself. Enjoy." I crack up a laughter and she just smiles as she begin to sing her favourite lullaby, You Are My Sunshine, that I always sing to her every night if I have the time to do so. Her voice makes me feel warm. She sings it until the end despite the fact that we are in public, we do not care and we will never do. I hug her tightly I think I might break her bones.
Madison Soleil, I have always liked her middle name. Soleil. It means the Sun in French. Which portrays her character, a sunny and cheerful girl. Just like the Sun, she brings the light in mum and I's life. I wish she knows that. She might be not normal in appearance, but she is by heart. Maybe even better than these people who strive for perfectness in themselves. "You know Maddie? You are my sunshine."
---
It is Maddie's birthday tomorrow. I already have something in mind. Although she did ask me if we can go to the new bakery that has just been opened by the streets, downtown. Mum just smiled when she heard that. She knew that I have planned something for my little sunshine. It has only been 4 hours since the emergency call from my workplace, but I have already missed her. I do not know why my heart is longing for her and mum so much. Probably because it is her birthday tomorrow and I feel the need that I have to be with her by the time it was 12:00 a.m. to wish her happy birthday.
"Noah?" I immediately from my wake up from my daydream. "We are here," Emily, one of the paramedics, says to me. "What now?" I have been a paramedic for almost two years. Straight after I graduated, I decided to try on for the paramedic. I remember when I was younger, I always said that I want to save people's lives. I want to be a hero and that is who am I now. Not really, but close enough.
"Suicide attempt." This is the reason why I have been promoted to be an assistant. I know how to deal around people who are suicidal. I take a look at the record and jump out from the van. I go to the front door, where a lady is tearing up. "Good evening, Mrs Watson. If you do not mind, I am going to ask you a few question while you show me the way to the room." She then leads the way and I ask her few personal information that I need to know. We have reached to the room. "Thank you for cooperating, Mrs Watson. But I must ask you to leave and I am going to talk to her. Don't worry. Everything will be fine," I smile to her as a sign that I am calm and this is my job. So, I know what to do.
As I am about to knock on the door, my phone vibrates. I take it out from my front pocket and look at my screen. It is mum who is calling, probably wants to remind me to wish Maddie happy birthday because it is already five past twelve. I have to ignore it because if I wait for another minute, someone is going to lose her life. So I just put it back inside my pocket and continue knocking on the door.
I do not wait for the respond. I push the door slowly, not to scare her. "Faith?" I say in the calmest voice I can get. A girl who looks about sixteen is sobbing in the corner of the room. I try to get closer slowly so she will not act aggressively towards me. I look around her room and I can say that it is a very dark, messy room. Unlike every other girls' room which always looks cheerful with a splash of colour. But this room, the wall is painted in dark grey. Which I guess, resembles her days. Pills are scattered around her and a few bottles of medicine are lying on the floor. I kneel down in front of her so I can face her and try to defend myself if she tries to do something to me.
"Faith?" I call her name in my deep, low voice. She looks up, "Go away." Her voice. She does not sound like she is really pushing me away. Her voice sounds like she is begging me to save her. Like she is tired. "I can't, Faith. I know you want me to save you. I can hear it through your voice. I can see it right in your eyes. You are screaming for help." The sobbing just gets harder. "Faith, listen to me. You know, you do not need me to save you. You, dear beautiful lady, are surrounded by a black hole that is trying to get you in."
"No, you don't understand! Every part of me is begging me to end this. It hurts me in every edge of my skin. I cannot do this any longer. I will destroy my own self eventually. I AM the black hole!" I sit beside her, trying to get comfortable so she can let me take her hand and pull her out from that dark, demonic place. "Listen, Faith. You cannot destroy yourself. Not if you don't let it get into you. This is why I am here, Faith. I am here just to help you. You cannot live in that dark place any longer. But that doesn't mean that you have to end your life. You just have to let me help you to get out. To recover. To live a happy life. It might take time for you to fully recover because there is going to be some point in your life that you might relapse. It is okay. It takes a few failures to motivate you to keep going. You just have to want it, Faith. We still have hope." I can her see the tears starting to dry. She just stares at the grey wall blankly.
"So, let me help you?" She does not respond but I take her by the hand anyway and lead her to the van. We still have to put her in the psychiatric ward until she is mentally stable. So we can make sure that she will not do any harm to herself anymore. Faith's mum cannot stop thanking me and showing her gratitude. This is why I keep doing what I am doing. We then get into the van to send her to the hospital. She is still staring into the nothingness. By the time we reach the hospital, her face starts to light up with her awkward smile. She looks away from me. I can see her blushing, though. Just before I close the van door, I call up on her. "Have faith," I grin.
We are now going to another destination. I do not know where we are going but I keep it to myself, too tired to ask. However, I recognise the path that we are heading. "Damien, where are we going?" I ask in a very worrying voice. "Can you please not distract me? I am driving and we are nearly there anyways." I sit back to my place. My heart is racing. No matter how hard I try to take a few deep breaths, my heartbeat just cannot slow down. I think my heart just stop when we reach to the next destination. I recognise this place. I grew up in this place. I live here. It is my house.
Without hesitation, I push the door. I see the whole living room is in a mess. It is like the world has turned upside down. I think my world just did. I look around for mum. "MUM?" I would try to call her in my calm voice but I just cannot. I can feel that I am out of breath when I see a pool of blood in the kitchen. I run inside and I can see mum lying on the floor with a kitchen knife impaled in her stomach. "No, no no no no no no. It can't be." I shake her body but she lies still. I check for her pulse with my trembling fingers.
"No, mum!" I cry my heart out. I can feel my colleague is trying to calm me down. It does not work. "Maddie..." I whisper to myself. "MADDIE!" I look for her everywhere and finally find her lying on the bathroom floor in her bathroom robe that is soaked wet. She coughs so hard. The bathtub is filled with water. "Maddie, what happened?" I question her in a very panic voice. "Maddie bathed... And dad... Came... Angry... Ask mum money... Drown me..." My heart is about to explode. I thought that he has been caught by the police. Maddie is out of breath. I try to pick her up. "EMILY. UPSTAIRS." Few moments after that, Emily and Patrick come with a stretcher. They lay Maddie down on the stretcher and bring her to the van. I just follow them. I literally cannot do anything. I just cry and cry and cry beside Maddie.
I cannot believe that I did not pick up the call. I prioritised other people's life, a stranger, even, while I harm the life of the ones that I love. I should have picked up the phone. Then, it will never happen. I managed to save a stranger's life but not my own family's. Not even mum and barely even Maddie's. What kind of hero am I? My whole world comes crashing down. I am about to lose Maddie. I am about to lose my sunshine.
"Evan..." Maddie mumbles. I look at her. "Yes, Maddie?" I stroke her ginger hair like I always do. Her eyes fix on mine. Her beautiful mismatched eyes. I cannot believe that this beautiful odd is going to leave me anytime sooner. We have not even celebrated her birthday yet. I cannot believe that some boys will never get to see her beautiful eyes and fall in love with it. I cannot believe that I will not be able to see her go to high school, go to prom or even get married and have children. I cannot believe that I cannot see her growing up and I have to live without her. It is so sad to think that before any other boys could break her heart, dad already did it.
"Maddie wants to sleep... Lullaby..." This is it. This is the time. I feel like I want to follow her and end my life. Funny how I try to save someone's life with all the great speech that I always give, but when it comes to me, I know I just do not have that beacon of hope any longer. This has to be the end of it. I want to end my life but I know Maddie will not want me to. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... You make me happy when the skies are grey," my singing is alternating with my sob. I bury her head on my chest. My tears fall on her cheek. "You never know, dear, how much I love you... Please don't take my sunshine away." Maddie exhales her last breath.
Sleep tight, sunshine.
sorry if this appear to be quite different than my story. i don't think this is my best though. i haven't been writing for so long ahhhh. i need to get right back on track.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: family, sad, short stories, writings 0 comment[s] | back to top25. When Love Collides.
written on Thursday, April 30, 2015 @ 7:43 PM
She floats through the constellations, waving her tail as though it is a pair of wings. Her electric blue hair fans away as she moves swiftly among the meteors and comets. The sprinkles of dust trails as she levitates in the space. Her beauty resembles the beauty of stars from the earth. Her voice is beyond compare. She can hypnotise anyone when she starts to sing. She is strong like a female warrior. That is what her name means. Bellatrix, the most exquisite space mermaid you will ever see.
What the mortals think, mermaids are just a myth. Little do they know about space mermaid? They do exist. The space mermaid are the second most beautiful creatures around the galaxies after the stars. Every galaxy has different types of creatures in it besides space mermaids. Unicorns? Pegasus? Yes, they are real. Just name it all. Although, the beings from different galaxies cannot befriend. It is sort of like the main rule of living in there.
Andromeda galaxy belongs to the richest creatures. Most of the livings in it are space sailors. They collects star dusts and the dead stars, then create it into something magnificent. They believe that the leftovers of the world can be changed into something better. Rumour has it that it creates a rock that can combine two galaxies into one. But none of the creatures are courageous enough to do so as they fear of the consequences.
Then, there goes another galaxy which belongs to the happiest creatures. Every where you go, their laughters will fill the spaces. No emptiness in it. Every star dusts sparkle in every corner of it. Estherella galaxy. Though it may be a quite small galaxy, but still the brightest of them all. This is where Bellatrix lives.
As Bellatrix is swimming through the spaces, she sees a bright light. ‘The Moon,” she monologues to herself. Beautiful, she is, yet quite stubborn. She swims to the light. At first, she thought that she will bounce back inside. But her thought is wrong, she manages to pass through the layers of the galaxy. It has been so long that she once last visited the moon. The last time was when she was younger, with her sisters. She almost forgotten how beautiful the light of the moon is. There was a lot of other creatures dancing on the moon’s crater. She smiles to herself as she remembers the memory of it.
Mesmerising the beauty, she does not realise a galaxy ship is coming nearer to her. It is too late when she finally saw the galaxy ship rushes towards her. The galaxy ship hits her tail that has caused her to fly away from the moon. The sprinkle dusts rain madly everywhere. She strokes her tails hoping that the pain will go away, but her rage is way beyond the limits or her to feel the pain. She has never been that furious before as anybody else has never touch it or even worse, hit it. She swims towards the galaxy ship fastly. She is about to scream something to the galaxy ship when a space sailor comes down from it. She whips her tail back and forth outrageously. Just before the space sailor opens his mouth to say something, their eyes meet. The motion of Bellatrix’s tail slows down and stopped. Her jaw drops.
Needless to say that, yes, the space sailor is a very good looking gentleman. Being a space mermaid that rarely goes out from their galaxy, Bellatrix is quite stunned when she saw the space sailor. His silver hair falls and covers the left side of his eyes. He shakes it off causing the sprinkles of star dust to fall from it. His face features are structured perfectly. His blue eyes capture Bellatrix’s attention the most. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you were there. Is your tail okay?” he apologises but it barely registers. Bellatrix shrugs, then she remembers that her tail is damaged. She begins to open her mouth but the words cannot seem to get out. She clears her throat, “Oh. It’s fine. Just a little bit of damage but I can fix it later, I guess.” Bellatrix is quite surprised to hear what comes from her mouth. But she just cannot get her eyes of his. Just then, the space sailor gasps when he saw the red star dusts come off from Bellatrix’s tail. “Oh my, I truly am sorry. I can send you to your galaxy. Or maybe send you to the healers. Which galaxy do you live in?”
“Estherella. By the way, I’m Bellatrix. What’s yours?” Dying to know his name, she now has forgotten the pain that she felt earlier. “Oh, I’m Xavier from Andromeda galaxy. You have such a beautiful name... And face,” his eyes widen as he said that. Probably did not mean to say it out loud. There is an awkward silence for a moment. “Are you sure your tail is okay? It seems bad.” His face shows a sign of guilt. “No, it’s fi-” Bellatrix was about to say but Xavier interrupts her. “Oh wait, I just grabbed some of the dust from the meteorites. It can sure do the heal.” He takes out a dark grey dust from his pocket.
He comes nearer to Bellatrix’s tail, “Do you mind?” He looks right into her eyes. “No, n-not at all.” Bellatrix shakes off her head quite hard causing a blue dust rains on Xavier’s hair. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she tries to clean it off his hair. He lets out a small chuckle. “It’s okay.” His dimples are showing and clearly has made her heart dies a little inside.
When Xavier’s hand touches Bellatrix’s tail to put some of the healing dust, Bellatrix’s tails changes colour, from purple to red. At the same time. Xavier feels something electrifying inside his stomach. They both know what it means. It is a sign of falling in love. Instantly. Xavier’s eyes meet Bellatrix’s. Both of their eyes light up. Light up with a sense of love.
That is the start of everything. Every other night, Bellatrix would sneak out from her galaxy to meet Xavier by the moon. The exact place where they met. The exact place where they fell for each other. They will laugh to the silly dancers on the moon. Sometimes Xavier would bring her to the Milky Way. They are the two lovestars, as that what they would call it here instead of lovebirds. They have been together for God-knows how long as the time system in space are way too different compared to the Earth’s time system.
Bellatrix waits for Xavier by the moon as usual. She can now feel the tingling sensation whenever Xavier is nearby her. She turns around and there, stands a gentleman smiling at her. “So, where are we going to night, Captain?” Bellatrix tries to imitate a space sailor’s voice. They both fall into laughter. Xavier takes Bellatrix’s hand. Then again, a tingling sensation. Bellatrix did not realise until they are floating in front of the Aurora. She is amazed by the beauty of the light. She looks into Xavier’s eyes and smiles. Their eyes light up.
“Hey, listen. You do know that I have wished every single stars upon your beautiful existence, right, my love? This is the part where I want to take you back to my galaxy.” Bellatrix stuns as she hears what comes from Xavier’s mouth. He seems really assure about it. So, Bellatrix just agrees with him.
They then hop on the galaxy ship. The journey that usually takes for about 25 minutes-in mortal world-now feels like forever to them. They fall in love harder every moment. When they reach halfway, Bellatrix starts to say something that makes Xavier stopped the galaxy ship. “But we’re from different galaxy.” There is frustration in Bellatrix’s eyes. “Don’t you worry, my dear.” Xavier takes out a sparkly and shiny rock. “What is that?” she questions. It is the rock that can combine two galaxies into one. Eyes light up again. Xavier grabs another stone. Following what he heard when he was younger about the legend, he carves the signs of the two galaxies. Andromeda and Estherella. Bellatrix smiles as wide as possible, from ear to ear.
Just then, the rock turns into a translucent purple stone. The signs light up just like how their eyes do. Xavier aims toward the moon and throw it. Abruptly, they vanish and come back to their galaxy. Estherella which once was filled will laughter, now just silent. The two galaxies begin to shake. Bellatrix can feel the entire galaxy moves. Fastly. In the other galaxy, Xavier is smiling to himself, thinking that he did the right way. That he is going to be with the star of his life for eternity.
The two galaxies then collide. There is a moment before everything goes bright. The heat turns up. Bellatrix’s eyes and Xavier's meet. But a second after that, the two galaxies explode. Destruct. Crumble. Collapse.
Somewhere on earth, a girl smiling to herself when she sees the shooting star. She makes a wish. But little does she know that she is making a wish over for the death of the loving stars for when forbidden love collides.
hey guysssssss. i haven't been posting since forever. but here, a piece of writing by me that actually won for my back stage SMKPG got talent hahaha yay! i got first place heee i hope you do enjoy it. the space mermaid idea was from pinterest and tumblr so credits to them.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: short stories, writings 0 comment[s] | back to top24. MASQUERADE.
written on Saturday, February 7, 2015 @ 9:35 PM
Stella stared at her laptop’s screen for about 2 minutes. She then hovered the cursor to the “Buy” button and clicked it without hesitation. She waited for the page to load. After making sure her purchase succeeded, she turned off the laptop and threw herself to bed. Her mind wandered off as always. The package will arrive tomorrow, at least that was what the seller guaranteed. She wondered if anybody has ever done the same. A thousand of questions popped up into her mind. ‘What if somebody knows?’ ‘Will it make a change?’ ‘Have I done the right thing?’ A few more questions came into her mind until a dream started to occur. She then fell soundly asleep.
The next day, Stella woke up to a soft knock on her door. “Uhh, come in,” she mumbled. A tall, beautiful, middle-aged lady came in to her room. “What is it, mum?” she questioned sleepily. Her mum then handed her a package and suddenly, she was wide awake. She snatched the package greedily, could not wait another minute to open it, but then she remembered that her mum was still in the room. “Do you mind, mum?” She gave a her the soft and sweet smile, the same one that Stella inherited from her mum, and walked out of the room. After making sure that her mum was not peeping, she opened the package. Not a while after that, a grey-coloured mask with a little touch of blue, exactly the same as she saw it online last night, appeared into her sight. She carefully took it out of the plastic, and began to wear it.
---
Keith’s eyes wandered off to the crowd. As always, he looked for the same thing, though he always got the same result. Instead, his eyes glued to his reflection in the glass. A light yellow-coloured mask, the same as everyone else’s in school. Everyone wore different coloured mask to show their personality. Red represents courageous, gold represents wealth, green represents well-being, and light yellow represents joyful. Each colour has their own representatives. Well, even colour has its dark sides. People in school rarely to be found in a grey or black mask because grey represents mentally ill, or depressed. Meanwhile black represents death.
He felt a pat on his shoulder, he turned around. He smiled instantly after he saw his friends. But his attention was attracted by a glimpse of a grey colour, which he rarely saw. His friend said something but he could not listen to any of it.
“Excuse me,” he said as he pushed a girl out of his way. But he failed to trail it. The grey colour went out of his sight. He let out a grunt of frustration. He turned around to his friend. “Dude, what’s happening?” He just ignored the question and rushed to his locker. As he was picking up his book, the bell rang. His friends started to approach him, but he quickly walked away from them and went straight off to Math class.
Keith could not pay his attention fully to the class. He kept thinking. Who was so brave to wear their emotion publicly? Even Keith did not have the guts to do the same. The same question has been inside his mind until lunch time. He knew that he should find that dauntless person. As soon as he stepped outside of the classroom, his eyes started to do as the brain told. To find the grey-coloured masked person.
Probably that day was his lucky day because he caught the person, a girl who wore the grey-coloured mask, walking past in front of him. He has the urge to stop the girl, but he decided to follow the girl instead. Keith let out a sigh of relief. His brain has already prepared a few question he was going to ask to that girl. He rehearsed it inside his head.
Without realising that the girl stopped walking in the middle of the way to cafeteria, Keith accidentally hit her. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you were there,” Keith apologised to her. “That’s alright, nobody does,” the girl looked into Keith’s eyes and smiled. He could feel a hit of sensation. The smile was so familiar to him, just like the one that usually did whenever he was with his friends.
“I’m sorry to ask this, but are you really depressed?” Keith realised that he should not really ask that. He was ready to take his word back when he saw the girl’s expression went puzzled. “Why do you ask?” the girl then questioned him. Keith looked around to make sure his friends were not anywhere closer than them. He grabbed the girl’s hand and led her to the library because that was the closest he could get. They went to the back shelves.
After Keith assured that nobody was eavesdropping, he glared at the girl for a while. He then took off the light yellow-coloured mask, revealing the same kind of mask as the girl wore. A grey with a little touch of blue-coloured mask. The girl gasped as if she was taking her last breath that she could get into her lungs. “I know, I have been hiding this for so long. Please don’t tell this to anyone. This is a secret between us,” he uttered under his breath. The girl was still speechless. She shook her head, “But you don’t know me. How can you trust me?”
Keith began to tremble, he was on the verge of breaking down. He realised that he has made a perilous step. Suddenly, he felt a soft touch on his shoulder, “Hey, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me.” The girl handed out a tissue to him. “I’m Stella by the way.” she stated. Keith exhaled, picking back up the courage to talk without stuttering, “Keith.” he faked a smile.
---
Stella recalled the situation that happened two weeks before, during lunch at school. She looked at the mirror and examined every part of her face. She has a really clear and glowing face. But she did not know what beautiful really looked like. Because she has never seen an unmasked person all her life. She was not born with a mask. She was always been the odd one in the family and hated it. People always gave her the skeptical look like she was an outcast. She gazed at the mask that she bought the night before the incident happened. She thought it was a splendid idea so she could fit in with others. She chose grey, not like she suffered depression or anything. Probably because she has been longing for the attention since she was little. Her vision has been playing the same thing all over again. When Keith started to reveal his true colour.
As she came out from the school by the next day, she could see Keith was waiting for her. After the incident, Keith wore his true colour to school. Ever since the day he started to wear it, his friends would not come any nearer. Stella felt the guilt started to grow bigger each day. Keith gave her the same smile everyday as she approached him. “So where are we going?” Stella asked. Everybody was giving them the unpleasant look.
“Why don’t we go to the old building?” Stella agreed, could not wait any longer with the stares that they received. The sky began to show the sign that it was going to rain. The sun started to hide behind the clouds. Not a while after that, a few droplets started to fall and began to drizzle. They walked swiftly and finally managed to get to the building before the rain started to pour heavily.
The tapping sound occurred from the rain echoed throughout the angle of the building. She took a glance at Keith who was looking at her. “What?” questioned Stella who was shivering. “Nothing, it’s just...” Keith shook his head, letting the beads of water spat from his hair. “I feel like I’m fading. Like,” “What do you mean?” Stella asked before Keith could continue.
“I don’t know, lately my depression has become worse. I couldn’t eat for days. I feel numb throughout the night. I couldn’t sleep. I feel like I shouldn’t wear my true colour in the first place,” Keith started to sob. “With all of my friends started to avoid me. It’s not like having a mental disorder is what I wanted.” As always, Stella couldn’t find words to comfort Keith. She was always bad at this. She has no idea how to make Keith feels better because she wasn’t depressed. She did not know what having a depression felt like. All she could do right now was holding Keith the same way her mum held her when she was little, when people were teasing her for not having a mask.
“Keith, you are strong. Ever since the first day I saw you smiled in that grey mask. You are brave, Keith. You have shown to your friends who you really are.” as Stella was saying this, she could feel that her mask was slipping.
The moment Keith started to move, she began to panic. As Keith looked her in the eyes, the mask fell. Her heart pounded so loudly, she could even hear it. Her true self has been revealed. Needless to say, the reaction that she got from Keith. Keith’s eyes were widely opened as though it could fall out of his head. Keith uttered out of disbelief but she could not hear it because of the sound of the rain hitting the roof. “Wha-? After all this time? You have been hiding under that mask?” Stella tried to reach him but he moved away from her. “I’m sorry, Keith. I’m sorry. I have never had a mask. I’m sorry... I,” “BUT YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN OTHER MASK. WHY BLUE? Why? Why depression?” Keith interrupted in the middle of her explanation.
“because... because I have been longing to become in the centre of attention. I just want people to feel sorry for me.” exclaimed Stella, trying to fight the sound of thunder. Stella could see the hurt in Keith face. “Do you think by living in depression, in any mental illness, people will feel sorry for you? They won’t. Haven’t you see the disgust in people’s faces when they saw us? Mental illness is like a curse. People won’t treat us the same as they treat people who suffer cancer. All they would say is ‘Get over it. It’s just depression. What could be worse than that?’ EVERYTHING.” Keith screamed out the truth.
“You feel like you are trapped in your own mind, your own body. Nowhere to escape, nowhere to bound. Whenever you try to recover, you will always relapse. Just like a rubber band. No matter how far you go, or how far you stretch, you will get back to the same place. It will get you nowhere.” Keith sobbed. His face was wet from the mix of tears and raindrops.
Nobody has ever tell the truth to her. She was being selfish. She could see the disgust in Keith’s face. “I’m sorry, Keith,” she tried to apologise but the words seemed to stuck in her throat. Abruptly, Keith fell onto his knees. His mask has turned to black. Stella felt a stab of knife went through her heart. I killed him, she thought. Stella rushed to him and tried to reach him, but he has become a wisp of air. Stella body started to filled with fear. Fear of losing Keith. Two weeks felt like two decades. Like they have known for ever.
“Don’t wear that mask, Stella. You’re beautiful.”
Keith has blended in with the wall. Just a blink of an eye, he was gone. The only thing left was his mask.“KEITH!” Stella cried. She screamed with all her heart. She knelt down to the floor and sobbed. Stella laid on the ground, she cried and cried and cried until her eyes could not produce tears any longer. Her clothes was soaked with water from the puddle. Not sure whether from the rain or her tears.
She knew it all along that Keith’s mask was slowly turning into dark grey. She realised it, but she chose to ignore it. She was just a narcissist. If only she could rewind the time, but that was the problem. She could not. You cannot change the nature. But maybe the nature could change her.
Stella got off the ground and took the masks. She started to walk slowly to Keith house. She left his mask at the front door. The only thing that she could hear was the last thing ever that Keith has said to her. Her steps stopped when she saw her reflection in the puddle. She took a last glance at her mask. I don’t need a masquerade any longer, she whispered as she threw the mask. She knew that she has to be what she was born as. She did not need a mask because that was her true self. So what if she is not like the others? She was not an outcast. Unique, that was what she meant to be. Ever since that day, she confidently walked through the crowd, unmasked.
HEY GUYS. so yeah. i know i've promised you the short fanfic but i just couldn't get it done. and i started a new short story instead lol so yeah the mask thing is kinda new to me hahaha also i feel like this one is shorter than usual. i hope you like it. and apologies to all the error. heheheh. love you. thanks for reading. x
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credits to WeHeartIt. horribly edited by me.
Labels: life, my writings, short stories 0 comment[s] | back to top17. End It All.
written on Sunday, December 28, 2014 @ 2:21 AM
i stare blankly out of the window. as the song is moving on to another song, comes a moment of silence. i realise that nobody could hear what i am hearing. not the music i listen to. not even my thoughts. and the little voice that creeping out my mind. i look around me, wondering if someone could have seen me daydreaming. or maybe, hallucinating. i cannot seem to find the differences anymore. not since that day. the day my sister died. not just a sister, but a twin sister. who i have been spending time together since we were in our mother's womb.
'28/3/2008, 11:48 p.m', i mumble. "sorry, did you say anything, autumn?" i look up, looking for the source of the voice. i realise that i am in my therapist room. just a second, i thought that i was in the bookstore while listening to music. and now i am not anymore. it happens all the time.
where does the music comes from?
how long have i been here?
where have i been?
"er, nothing," i say awkwardly, looking away from my therapist eyes, not wanting to my therapist to look into my dark soul. "i am pretty sure that you said something, young lady." i hate that. when my therapist forces me to say what is in my mind. the thing is that i cannot say to my therapist what i have been thinking lately. it is too dangerous. very, very dangerous. i have been finding a way to get out of this world. to end my life. to die. i just shrug just to show my therapist aka mrs-know-it-all aka Elouise, that i do not want to talk to her. in fact, i have been forced to meet her twice a week which is very torturing, having to lie to cover up the whole plan of ending my life.
Elouise stares at me for a second. "i guess you really do not want to talk to me what is it in your mind. so i guess i will talk to you next thursday?" i just nod and stand up quickly, having the urge to get out from that place. i fasten my steps towards the door. i say thank you and get out of the room, not wanting to hear her voice anymore.
i get into my car and release a long sigh that i do not know i held on to. i look outside the window. suddenly i hear the teardrops, falling in the roof of my car. i close my eyes. trying to hold my teardrops from falling. i suck everything back, trying not to breakdown. i gasp for some air to breathe. and suddenly i hear the rain stops. i open my eyes and hear the car horns. i am hallucinating again. the traffic light has turned to green. i press the pedal immediately, shaking my head off. i turn to the left, heading to my favourite bookstore. my favourite place. my home.
the first thing that i sense when i step into the bookstore is my favourite scent. the smell of books that blend with coffee. the reason that i love the bookstore is they combine with coffee shop. my second favourite thing after bookstore. i reach to the last bookshelf in the place, the place that i used to hang with Summer. my twin sister, Summer Serenity. we are identical except for our eyes. i have brown mix with green. Summer's eyes had the colours of summer. the colour of happiness. the kind that you look into the eyes and you will smile automatically, feel the warm of the sun in the summer. her death was tragic. she killed herself but she made it look like it was an accident. she drove off the cliff. she left us with a recording tape. the suicide note. i can still remember her voice in the tape. it is still fresh in my mind. i take out my journal, jotting down the plans.
i lay on the floor thinking. i grab the nearest book from me. Matilda by Roahl Dahl. every where i go, Summer's trail cannot seem to get off of me. there is her face in between the words in the book. probably just hallucinating. but her eyes seem so inviting. i close my eyes, trying to recall the warmth of her eyes. then i hear a laugh. 'i knew that voice', i think. i open my eyes and see Summer. i can feel the warmth feeling in my stomach. i know that i am hallucinating but i try not to blink, not wanting to wake up from this hallucination for the first time. she runs to the next bookshelf and i follow her. i do not want to lose her again. not this time.
"yes, miss. how may i help you?" a barista asks me while giving me a quizzical look. i grunt and just shake my head. "can i please have vanilla latte?" i say, trying not to look like an idiot. the barista just smiles and nods. i go grab and pack my bag. walk to the counter, thinking about what just happened. i have never experienced anything like that in first hand. handing in the money to the cashier and walk out from the bookstore (plus the coffee shop) with a heavy heart.
i am trying to find the reason not to go back to the house. 'house', i think. 'not home.' i sit in my car. thinking when am i going to end it. i finish up my vanilla latte and drive to the cliff where Summer end hers. i park under a tree. trying to decide how does my life going to end. does it the same way just how Summer ended hers? i sit and look outside the window. out of nowhere, a car drives straight and fast off the cliff. i can see the driver. it's Summer. i know i am hallucinating again. i blink hardly and shake my head, trying to wake up from this hallucination. i do not want to see how Summer ended her life. her life has already ended. i reversed my car back and head to my house, sobbing so hard. my eyesight becomes blurry. i cannot even drive like a normal person. i just stop my car in the middle of the road. it is nearly 10:30 p.m and the road is clear.
i take a deep breath. a really long and deep breath. the kind that you can feel the air pressure in your lungs and afraid that you might explode it. i wipe my tears off. 'nothing can break me. nothing can kill me. only a bullet will.' just a second, i have found the solution. 'this is it,' i thought. i am going for the gun. i know i can find it somewhere. my dad is a cop so he must have kept a gun somewhere.
i continue driving to my house. there is no car except mine. as i arrived my house, i park my car in the driveway. i take a moment before going inside the house. getting ready for the bullet of question, attacking me as i enter the house, like a bullet. i grab my bag and walk in, trying to ignore all the stares. "autumn, where have you been? you made us worried sick. i called Elouise and she said you went back home at 7. now it is nearly 11. what were you thinking? stop being so selfish." there is it. my mother attacks me as soon as i enter the living room. i take a glance and see my father sitting besides my mother with the television turned on. 'runaway project,' i think. 'summer would love that.' my father gives me the death stare. i do not care, i probably would be dead by tonight.
"do not ignore me! i am asking you. you have to stop making us worry about you!" my mother's voice breaks the silence. i snort, "do you actually worried?" i take a step forward but my father's voice has stopped me. "not with that attitude, young lady." i laugh. they give me the quizzical look. probably do not understand the reason i laugh. my laugh breaks into tears. 'i am not breaking down in front of them,' i persuade myself to stop. but i cannot seem to hold it any longer.
"STOP BEING SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MAKE US WORRIED." my mother starts to raise her voice. i look up at her eyes and words start to come out of my mouth. "if i did not show a little bit of drama then no one probably would have cared." i cannot believe that i have said that to them. i have always wanted to say that. my mother gives the surprise look. my father stands up, starts to say something. "what on earth has changed you? you have never acted like this before. we have never taught you to be this rude. who the hell do you think we are? your friends? that you can raise your voice to?" i can feel it. my heart is breaking into pieces. my father has broke my heart before any other boys could. i roll my eyes and tears start to roll upon my cheek. "do not give me that face, Autumn Aubrielle."
my patience has reached to the limit. "THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? FAKE A SMILE? LIKE WHAT SUMMER USED TO DO ALL THE TIME? AND THEN DRIVE MYSELF OFF A CLIFF? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?" my father raises his hand, trying to slap me, i guess but i stop him with my words. "you thought that i have changed yet you guys are the one that has been changing. the worst part is you make me look like i am the bad one. like i am the villain when i actually do not have a choice. nobody really understands that i am sick. and people seems to agree with you guys... that i am the bad one here. if Summer is here, she probably would understand." i run upstairs, heading to my parents' room to take the gun and go straight into my room. i can hear my father, shouting at me something about ungrateful which i do not even care about.
'there,' i mumbles, 'i have had it.'
then i lock my door. i can hear clearly that my mother is crying. it breaks my heart even more. i do not have the intention to do that. to remind her about Summer. not since the day she died, exactly the past 5 years. today is 28/3/2013, Summer's death anniversary. i realise that maybe this is why Summer has appeared in my hallucination. because this is the time. i take a breath and grab the video camera inside the drawer and place it on my dressing table. turn it on and start recording.
i stand there. in front of the camera. i let out a heavy sigh along with the tears. my eye makeup probably has washed off my face. i can feel my face is soaking wet with tears. i try to find a space to breathe and words to say.
"hey mom.. and dad.. remember when we celebrated Summer and I's 5th birthday? it was good, wasn't it? the cake and presents. but if you are watching this video later, you do not have to think about our birthday anymore. because it is going to end. do not worry about it. because if you are watching this, then there are possibilities that i probably would not come back to life. i am sorry i have never been a great child. i have always been a troublesome, a great nuisance. i do not want you to blame yourself about this later. but i have had it. i have been holding too strong on for so long. i cannot seem to find the light anymore right in the moment i knew Summer will never be here with me till the end of time. and ever since that day, we have never been the same way as we did before. everything has turned much worse. even she had left us for five years. everything went dull. the colour of my life has faded away with the happiness and the laughter. we cannot even smile at each other. everybody tried not to take the blame on the reason why Summer killed herself. after listening to the tape that Summer has left us, everybody started to regret it. i think that it is funny when you are dead, how people started listening on whatever we felt inside. but not for so long, you guys looked like you are forgetting about it. but then it became much worse. and i have never felt so neglected before that i cry myself to sleep, every single night. thinking about the future and about us. until that one night, i thought that i should end my life just like Summer. and so right now i am about to. Autumn is falling, get it?" i let out a small laugh. 'yeah, falling apart,' i whisper, i do not know if they could hear it in the video. just before i grab the gun on the dressing table, everything went silent and all i can hear is the sound of my mother crying and my father calming her down. i take a deep breath. the last breath that i probably be taking. i move a step behind me. trying to show them a better picture.
i stand in the middle of the room. look right into the lens, and i can see a figure in the reflection. i automatically know that this is the time. i take a glance at the clock, 11:47 p.m. getting ready to pull the trigger. getting ready for the bullet to go straight into my head. straight and fast just like how Summer drove her car off the cliff. i smile for the first time since forever. because i know this is it. this is the time.
"end it all."
everything turns into pitch black. too dark for me to see. for another five seconds, i see something. something that makes me believe that i will never have to hallucinate anymore. something so familiar. the figure that i saw in the reflection just before i took my own life away. suddenly, i feel the warmth feeling in my stomach. i see the eyes of the sunset during the summer. i see Summer's eyes.
okay here's just another short story that i wrote long time ago but i posted it somewhere else. thought i ought to share it here. yeah, i write too much dark stuff. soooo i hope you like it and didn't take this seriously. DON'T KILL YOURSELF, OKAY? everything will get better eventually. suicide isn't the answer. never is. (and you won't go to heaven, seriously.) i really hope you like my writing.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: short stories 0 comment[s] | back to top16. Angel in Disguise.
written on Friday, December 26, 2014 @ 3:30 PM
Every time I look into her eyes. I see everything I want to see. But the problem is that the last time it happened, it was four months earlier. All I can see now is the pain. I can barely see into her eyes. What people don’t know is, even though I ended this, I can feel the pain as well. Probably worse.
Funny you’re the broken one,
But I’m the only one who needed saving.
I know what the lyrics mean now that I am facing the same thing. I keep on repeating the same song. I feel like I can relate to it. I am tired with people mocking me all along for leaving a girl that loved me with all her heart. All I hear is that all of this is my fault. Maybe it is. It is just that... Who wants to be like this? I am tired of having a feeling that makes me constantly hurt other people. So why don’t I just leave?
I take another glance into the mirror before I get out of my room. As I am approaching the kitchen, I see my brother, Charlie, climbing up the stairs slowly, trying not to show the sign that he is now home. But really, who cares in this situation? This whole family is a wreck. I was about to grab the granola bars but then I hear mum’s voice. I can assure you that this is a daily routine or a tradition for our family. Just before I go to school, or have a breakfast, as I heard mum is about to yell at someone either Charlie or Dad, I eventually know that I have to get out of the house. I don’t care if it is too early for school, I can always stop at the store or wherever I want. As long as I’m not in the house to hear the whole family is breaking.
I decided to take the long route to school. Yes, I walk to school. It’s not like the school is far away from the house. So, instead of wasting my parents’ money or mine for the gas, why not just waste the sweat? It’s not like I need it anyways. The reason I chose the long route is because Clara’s house is in the way. People might think that I’m the psychotic ex-boyfriend but I am not. Missing your ex-girlfriend is normal, right? Though I may be the one who left her. From a distance, I can see Clara is in the car. She is probably waiting for her little sister, Claudia. I was the one who supposed to fetch Clara and her sister to go to school. But not anymore, obviously.
Claudia is now rushing to the car. I take a look at my watch, realising that I have only 20 minutes before the school bell rings. So I start to sprint. Not wanting to arrive late to school but actually doesn’t care if I am. A detention wouldn’t hurt as much as having to listen to your parents fighting all day long. At least I can find an escape. I try not to draw the attention to Clara so I take the route in the woods.
For another 10 minutes, I reach school safe and sound but breathing heavily as I have lost some of the air during the marathon to school. I walk toward my locker. I find it is hard trying to walk around the school even to my locker without everyone looking at me as though I am a serial killer ever since the breakup.
I dated Clara in our sophomore year and now we are seniors. People think that we might get married someday, but they are wrong. People are wrong all the time. Our relationship ended tragically last September. The story became more tragic, for me, as I was the one who ended it.
Clara, as you can say, is the most well-known girl in our school. Her name pretty much resembles her a lot. Clara, which means clear, bright, and famous. Angelique, means like an angel in French. Like an angel, she is. So when somebody started to date her, words will spread around the school quickly. You can never hide a thing when you are dating with her. She is, well, as what other popular girls are known for, beautiful. As a bonus, she is the most graceful ballerina ever. Walking past her without taking a second glance is almost inevitable. Yep, she is THAT beautiful. But she is not like what other popular girls supposed to be. She is quiet and a very sweet girl. Honestly, every time I think that I have ever dated her. it seems extremely surreal to me.
People think I am stupid enough to leave her. I guess I would to if I am not me. People now see me as the asshole after the whole scene happened. Probably I am. But do they even care to listen to the side of my story? No, they don’t. So screw them. She is so loved. Every where she goes, she is such a pleasure to them. Me? It is like I have been cursed by some old witch when I was born. I wish I were someone else so I know why they hated me so much.
As I open the locker, a rope fall out of it. This happens to me a lot. Kill yourself. She is THAT influenced. Now, people are looking at me. Some of them even laugh. I try to suck the air in but it wouldn’t pass my windpipe. I take my History textbook and rush to the toilet. I push people in the way, which make they hate me even more. Suddenly, the last thing that I want to happen right now is happening to me. I see Clara and she is looking into my eyes as though to say, this is what you want, so this is what you get. I feel my stomach churning. I’m about to throw up. But there is literally nothing in my stomach for me to throw. But still, I can feel something is gushing down my throat. As I reached to the nearest toilet, the whole thing just stop. But thing is getting worse, I start to cry. Oh no. Please, not right now.
People in the bathroom look at me strangely. I am so close to say, YES, I AM THE ONE WHO LEFT YOUR BELOVED CLARA. But I stop myself. I don’t want another consequences waiting for me at the door. I shut my eyes, wanting it to shut forever. Maybe then they will be happy for the rest of their life.
I can barely move without feeling the anxiety all over me. I hate when this happens in school. This means that I need to skip the class and go to the library to calm down for another hour or so. My grades are already bad and this is another ‘bonus’ to me. I wait for the bell to ring so then I can walk to the library without everyone’s eyes on me. I wash my face. The coldness makes me calmer than before but still in my worst state. I don’t think I can get through the first period with Mrs. Anderson. The bell finally rings. After I am certain that nobody is in the hallway, I stepped out of the toilet. There is still people in the hallway but they don’t seem to acknowledge me. So I let out a sigh of relief.
“Excuse me, Mr.” Shit. Without looking, I know that I’m fucked. I turn around. Nobody is in the hallway but a man in a striped-white-and-navy-blue button down and a red tie on top of it. I wonder if he realises that he is going for the sailor theme today.
“Ah, nobody can never get away from me. Name?” It takes me awhile to figure out who my name is. “Nathan Davis. Nathan Castiel Davis.” Don’t know if my middle name is necessary. But I tell him anyways. I don’t know why my mum chose that name. I actually like it. “Ah, so you are the famous Nathan Davis. Who are you supposed to be with, Mr. Davis?” he asks while writing my name on a piece of paper. Ah, great. Detention. “Um, Mrs. Anderson.” He looks at me before continue writing. “Detention after school. Now go back to your class. Just because you are famous now, doesn’t mean you can skip classes whenever you want.” he says as he gives me the detention slip. I rolled my eyes as he starts to walk away. Who the fuck cares?
I go straight to the library. Everybody seems to find a reason to punish me. I swear I’m tired of it. Nobody wants to choose this kind of life. This is like a karma. Suddenly, my mind rewinds to the day I left her.
15 September. It was like the worst nightmare finally came to life. Do I love her? was not the answer to everything anymore. It abruptly became an unanswered question. As soon as I told Clara that I couldn’t do this anymore, that I couldn’t continue to hurt her unintentionally. She hung up on me. I can barely move without feeling the ache. Pain surrounded me the whole week. I could see the consequences was coming to me while handing me a medal with you’re fucked written on it. I should have known that the words would spread out eventually, but I didn’t expect it to be that fast. That was the first day I had my anxiety attack too, the worst yet. I even had to go back home. I couldn’t take another step in the school without wanting for the earth to swallow me up.
I shake it off my head. Thinking about it will just make it much worse. A couple of people walks into the library. It looks like Clara. I bury my face on the desk so she can’t see me. I try to take a peep but I see her eyes look directly into mine. It is haunting. The big dark brown eyes, close to black, is looking into my blue eyes. I look around. People are surrounding me and each one of them looks like her. Instantly, I can already assure that this is just a dream. I can’t move. I struggle myself to wake up. I even try to scream but my voice stuck in my throat. Out of the sudden, I feel a light touch on my shoulder and that wakes me up.
“Sorry. But you have to go. Library isn’t a place to sleep. Can you please just get out?” The stern voice actually does scare me. “Uhh.. Sorry.” I mumble. Without looking at that person, I just take my backpack and walk out of the library. Just before I take another step, I look into the library through the glass door and I don’t really see anybody. My heart starts to show a sign of panic, probably has gone back to the room, I say to myself. I probably am the worst optimist because the room doesn’t show any sign of light.
I look at my watch and realise that my second class is starting for another 10 minutes. How long have I been asleep? Who cares. I go to the locker and take my French textbook. Quickly walk to the other side of the building. As I reached the room, nobody has arrived yet. So I sit in my usual place while waiting for Miss Calvin. I try to read the textbook but my brain can’t process any of the words at the moment. I start to think about what has happened in the library.
Somebody walked in and look at me with a disgust face as if I’m a filth. I just wished this day could end faster. Or maybe just my life. Thank God today is Friday, which means no school tomorrow and no more suffering for two days.
The hours pass slowly and finally come to an end. Before anybody else could walk out of the door, I rush toward the door but then my brain reminds me of the detention. I am trying to keep my voice from coming out, knowing that I would swear out loud. I don’t need another detention. So I walk into the detention room. Sit there and basically do nothing. Pretending I’m not exist. I take out my phone, which I rarely do anymore. Not since the breakup. I don’t know why but my thumb leads me to the Camera Roll. And suddenly Clara’s picture pops out. My heart shatters into pieces thinking that I broke her.
“You can go home.” I jump out of my chair. I run to home. I spend all day in the room, I don’t even go out for dinner. But nobody seems to bother. I feel invisible in my own house. What could be worse than that? Oh, the fact that the whole school hates me. The whole idea makes me cringe. I stared at the ceiling for too long, I’m afraid that it would create a hole through it. I’m thinking, should I do this or should I not, all through Friday and Saturday night. I can’t even sleep for two nights straight.
On Sunday morning, I turn my Macbook on. Trying to find an escape. Music is never a bad idea. But suddenly today, everything is. All of the songs sound like they are blaming me for anything that has happened in my life. And it came to my realisation that most of the songs are from the perspective of the brokenhearted and not the heartbreaker him or herself. I feel sick. How do I even live in this cliche world that showing us that only the norm is good? Didn’t actually somebody feel the pain when they left someone?
Who in the world loves to see the person that spending almost the rest of her life getting hurt? I’m pretty sure somebody will say I just use my mental illness for an excuse. The illness itself left me nothing but pain. Causes my heartlessness. Even this whole family thing is bullshit and sounds absurd to me. They create it just to make somebody feel loved and secured.
If people would walk in my shoes, then they have the right to tell me who i am becoming, what i should do, or who i supposed to be. The thing is, they don’t even want to come near me. Instead, they step on my shoelaces and leave me lying recklessly on the floor with bleeding knees, and wounds up on my arms. Each day I’m getting weaker and weaker, and a part of it starts to show in public. Screw this, I thought. I need to get this thing right.
I go out to Clara and I’s secret place. A place to escape. On the rooftop of the old building near our school. We used to hang out there and just lay down, stargaze almost every night. I am starting to relive the whole scene again. I dialed Clara’s phone number. She picks it up on the second ring. “Um, Hello?” The sound of her voice gives me chill. “Hello, Clara. It’s me, Nathan. I wonder if we can meet up tonight?” There’s a moment of silence before she started to speak again. “For what? It’s over. You said so yourself.” I can sense the exasperation in her voice. I take a deep breath to cover up myself from trembling. “Please, I just wanted to talk.” She let out a sigh which makes me know the answer without her telling me. “Yeah, sure. Where at?” I used the magic word and it still works on her. “Usual place.” My face hurts from smiling to much. “Yeah, sure. Just give me 15 minutes.” Still the same Clara that I’ve known. “Thank you, my angel. This means a lot to me.” She hung up just before I could finish talking. But I don’t mind. She’s coming, I say in my heart repeatedly.
Precisely 15 minutes later, a figure of a tall and skinny girl, a perfect figure for a ballerina, appears. She had this sharp chin and high cheekbones that I miss touching. Being a very quite appealing gentleman, I stand up. She is one foot shorter than me, so she has to look up to look at me. I suddenly feel the urge to touch her face, but before my fingers reach to her face, she says “What is it that you want to talk about?” I can feel my face just starts to tighten up a bit. I look at the floor, then walk toward the edge of the building. I can hear Clara walking towards me. I can sense that she is worried that I might jump. I probably would if she isn’t here. I shake it off my head. I smiled at her.
“I’m sorry for wasting your time. But I had to get this out of my head. I can’t stand any longer. It’s just that...” The words wouldn’t get out of my throat. “I’m tired of what people look at me as. I know I ended this but I didn’t ask to be this sick.”
“Nathan, I...” she mutters.
“CAN YOU PLEASE, FOR ONCE, BEFORE ANYTHING ENDS, LISTEN TO WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY? You make me look bad just because of my illness. You wouldn’t let people know the fact that I’m sick. The truth.”
“I think you’re just being in denial.”
“NO! SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I GIVE YOU ALL OF MY HEART. BUT... But I lose it while I break yours. Now, I’m heartless. Heartless.” I try to suck in the air to stop the tears from dropping. But you can’t avoid it once you’re on the verge. She stands in front of me. “People keep telling me to kill myself every single day. I just want them to stop telling me how to die.”
“But Nath... I can’t save you if you don’t want to be saved.” she interrupts. “Well then, you don’t have to save me. Just hold my hand while - I - save - myself.” I sobbed so hard I can barely get the words right. Clara holds my hand and gives it a squeeze, “I’m sorry.” I look at her in the eyes, “I’m sorry too.” Suddenly, the hatred, the anger rushes into me, I can tell that it’s just a lie that I push her off the edge of the building without realising what I am doing, like a revenge to punish her. I can see her face as white as sheet. She looks like she is about to scream but the voice wouldn’t come out. She gives me a betrayed look. There she is, flying-angelique-like an angel, I would say. But with broken wings. More like a fallen angel, she is.
It takes me a second to realise what’s happened before I could jump and try to reach Clara. And suddenly a flash of reality pops into my mind. It shows me how I have been delusional all the time. Nobody actually hated me, they just felt sorry for me because Clara rejected me. The whole ‘leaving her’ was actually just a cover up for the embarrassment in my mind. We were once best friends and then turned into a strangers with memories as what they would like to call it. I just could not accept the ugly truth. So my mind created the beautiful lie, a perfect denial, that those years that we have been ‘dating’ are just us being friends. Nothing more. Nothing more than just an imagination. A fairytale. A fantasy. A straight-up lie to myself. It’s over, I heard Clara saying it earlier on the phone. But she really meant our friendship. The rope, I put it inside my own locker, wanting to end my life sooner but couldn’t find the courage to do so. But also wanted people to look like I’m the innocent who to be blamed. That everybody hated. But everybody felt sorry for.
Nathan Castiel. I whisper my name to myself. Starting to hate my mom for gives me such name. Nathan, a gift of God, but little did she know it could be, too, as the Angel of Punishment. Castiel, a shield of God, the angel who feels the need to protect someone that he loves. I really hope my mum knows how she had fucked everything up for naming me as the two angels, how my name happened to be the worst combination. And leaving me living as a bipolar. I died trying to save the love of my life that I tried to kill her, with my bare hands. Though I already know that there’s no possibilities for which one of us, is going to lived.
Time goes slower and slower as if to let me realise that I am no angel. I don’t have wings. I’m just an angel in disguise.
there you go, i finally managed to get it done. i hope you enjoy it. i'm sorry if it's a little too dark or my reference of Nathan being bipolar is wrong or any grammar error. i have been changing the plot twist a lot and decided to go for this one. please do share if you feel like it worth the share. thanks for spending your time reading it. photo credits to WeHeartIt but edited by me.
Carpe Librum,
L.
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