recent update :
|
hello, again.
written on Wednesday, June 13, 2018 @ 6:41 PM
hello, let's start all over again, shall we? maybe this time, it will be different. well, at least, i hope so.
but, greetings. i'm liyana. i love my name. because it really defines me. the meaning of it in arabic origin is softness, delicateness, tenderness. that totally explains how soft, delicate and tender my heart is. although, the thing is, i don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. i'm thinking that it might be both. someone told my that my name also comes from the word lenient, which means that i am soft at heart. and i hate it that he was not wrong at all. because i am. doesn't really matter if i burst, or if i erupt, it cannot be for long. because my heart couldn't handle it. i am empathetic.
i hate how my name is aligned with my star sign. a pisces has always been portrayed as someone who is sensitive, which is accurate. so, i'm like, double the killer, you know? i was born in February, a month of love. i love love. i love loving people. but i think people don't love loving me. or they just don't simply love me. i can never understand love. love is beautiful. love is painful. love is complicated. we do things for the people that... we love. i do all of the things, for the people that i love. even if it kills me. in the end, love is one of the self-destructive thing that i do. love is one of the ways i harm myself when i know a blade couldn't do much.
i am reckless. i'm a little bit of a daredevil. i have that little braveness in my heart, but i don't push it too much. i know when to stop. but i also don't know when to stop. when i love someone, i don't just love them. i commit to them. be with it; good or bad, harmful or not, i'll be there by their side. i am a very stubborn girl. nobody can stop me from getting what i want, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i always get what i want. and most of the time, i don't. i just chase things that are running away from me. weirdly enough, i never seem to be out of breath. and my knees seem to be working. it's tiring, it's painful, yes. but i like things that look like mistakes.
people say that a smart girl can be so stupid when she's in love. i beg to differ. a smart girl do stupid things when she's in love. and that's me. i know what's gonna come, but i stayed. i know that it's wrong, but i do it anyways. it's all because i love you. i left people for chasing someone who left me before and ended up being left again. it seems like the only thing that seems right in someone else's eyes about me is that i am meant to be the one that is being left. i do a lot of right things to the wrong people.
i love writing. i love writings. i love to write. i used to be able to write a lot of beautiful things. now, it's just gone. the words that are once spilled through my fingers, like water have now slipped through my fingers, also like water. i also love drawings, and i love drawing. kinda. i can draw but i am not really good at it. the only thing that i can draw beautifully is my scars. my skin and heart are the canvas. ideas seem to pour mostly during nighttime. the ink is always red. just like how i remember what pain looks like. just like how i remember love looks like. when it dries, i picked the scab. just like i always does with the pain of the past. causing it to bleed again, and being picked again. it's inevitably perpetual.
it is all the things about me that i could think of at the moment. but then again, i still don't understand myself. why i do the things that i do when i already knew that i'm not supposed to do the things that i do. why am i this way? did God write my life, create me to be this way? or is there something along the way that i picked up and that happened to make me the way i am? curious, another thing about me. i am full of curiousity. who am i really? why am i the way i am?
guess, i'm still trying to find myself.
and the search continues...
|
hello, again.
written on Wednesday, June 13, 2018 @ 6:41 PM ✈
hello, let's start all over again, shall we? maybe this time, it will be different. well, at least, i hope so.
but, greetings. i'm liyana. i love my name. because it really defines me. the meaning of it in arabic origin is softness, delicateness, tenderness. that totally explains how soft, delicate and tender my heart is. although, the thing is, i don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. i'm thinking that it might be both. someone told my that my name also comes from the word lenient, which means that i am soft at heart. and i hate it that he was not wrong at all. because i am. doesn't really matter if i burst, or if i erupt, it cannot be for long. because my heart couldn't handle it. i am empathetic.
i hate how my name is aligned with my star sign. a pisces has always been portrayed as someone who is sensitive, which is accurate. so, i'm like, double the killer, you know? i was born in February, a month of love. i love love. i love loving people. but i think people don't love loving me. or they just don't simply love me. i can never understand love. love is beautiful. love is painful. love is complicated. we do things for the people that... we love. i do all of the things, for the people that i love. even if it kills me. in the end, love is one of the self-destructive thing that i do. love is one of the ways i harm myself when i know a blade couldn't do much.
i am reckless. i'm a little bit of a daredevil. i have that little braveness in my heart, but i don't push it too much. i know when to stop. but i also don't know when to stop. when i love someone, i don't just love them. i commit to them. be with it; good or bad, harmful or not, i'll be there by their side. i am a very stubborn girl. nobody can stop me from getting what i want, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i always get what i want. and most of the time, i don't. i just chase things that are running away from me. weirdly enough, i never seem to be out of breath. and my knees seem to be working. it's tiring, it's painful, yes. but i like things that look like mistakes.
people say that a smart girl can be so stupid when she's in love. i beg to differ. a smart girl do stupid things when she's in love. and that's me. i know what's gonna come, but i stayed. i know that it's wrong, but i do it anyways. it's all because i love you. i left people for chasing someone who left me before and ended up being left again. it seems like the only thing that seems right in someone else's eyes about me is that i am meant to be the one that is being left. i do a lot of right things to the wrong people.
i love writing. i love writings. i love to write. i used to be able to write a lot of beautiful things. now, it's just gone. the words that are once spilled through my fingers, like water have now slipped through my fingers, also like water. i also love drawings, and i love drawing. kinda. i can draw but i am not really good at it. the only thing that i can draw beautifully is my scars. my skin and heart are the canvas. ideas seem to pour mostly during nighttime. the ink is always red. just like how i remember what pain looks like. just like how i remember love looks like. when it dries, i picked the scab. just like i always does with the pain of the past. causing it to bleed again, and being picked again. it's inevitably perpetual.
it is all the things about me that i could think of at the moment. but then again, i still don't understand myself. why i do the things that i do when i already knew that i'm not supposed to do the things that i do. why am i this way? did God write my life, create me to be this way? or is there something along the way that i picked up and that happened to make me the way i am? curious, another thing about me. i am full of curiousity. who am i really? why am i the way i am?
guess, i'm still trying to find myself.
and the search continues...
|
we live under the same sky
“To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.”
- James Allen Quotes
Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me,
what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered
because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that
I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone
who is life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts
or at least we are getting there.
|
my sunshine
links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first
|
link
coming soon....
|
