❝ and if no one sees you, are you really there at all? ❞

10. Pages of 365
Posted Saturday, January 18, 2014 // 2:37 PM

Page 1 of 365.
I’m listening to “Asleep” by The Smiths while writing this. Today, 8:57 a.m., you were found dead. In your bathroom. You were found dead on the very first day of the year. I can already picture myself 364 days later. On the same floor. On the exact place. And I promise you, people, I will be found dead by the end of the year. I promise.
Amber.

Page 5 of 365.
4 days without your existence. How can I survive 360 more days without you? Everybody really does change. Drastically. I mean really. The sound of laughter starts to fade. The sobbing gets louder each day. It annoys me. I tried to make them laugh but it didn’t work. 

Emerald, what would I do?
Amber.

Page 6 of 365.
I start to think about death. I think, “why not today?” but then I remember I’ve made a pledge to myself that I will end my life by the end of the year. Oh, and today at school, Justice plays again. It’s beautiful. Really. I guess he missed you so he started to play the piano again. He created the song, “Emerald of My Heart.” Do you want me to describe it? The song is so you. I can hear your laughter and smile from that song. Justice really is a psychic haha. He managed to create the song well enough. The song is so about your feature and flaws (even though you don’t have one) but trust me I was amazed. I still do.
Amber.

Page 9 of 365.

“Does it makes sense?”

“What?”

“If I have suicidal thoughts?”

“Nonsense!”

Why is that? Why did everybody do not believe that I have suicidal thoughts? Is it because I always smile and laugh? Is it just because I look normal like everyone else? Is it? What do they expect if I have suicidal thoughts? Talk about death in front of them? Talk about depression in front of them? Is it? Why does everybody expect that I have to act like I have suicidal thoughts in front of them? Or maybe they expect that I’ll kill myself in front of their eyes?

I thought they understand well.
Amber.
Page 11 of 365.
Mom and dad fought again. I’m tired of this bullshit. All I ever done all day is listen to music and forget the world. I wish you were here besides me. I went to our place. The sunset looks so beautiful. Reminded me of you.
Amber.

Page 13 of 365.

I have locked myself in my room for about an hour. I don’t know why, I keep staring at the mirror. I am starting to feel like I am not enough. Like I have never been enough. The tears suddenly fall. I’m crying. Yes. I’m crying. I don’t think and I don’t care. I just grab the blade on the table. I slit it on my wrist. It’s bleeding. The blood went all over the floor. I cut to release the pain inside. But I can’t end my life right now.

I have never feel like I’m home ever since that day. I don’t know why. Even mom and dad judge me. They never heard my voice deep in my heart. There’s nothing I else i want to do rather than killing myself. But I can’t. Not today. There’s something that I must do before I end my life. I promised you. Right, Em? When they heard the news, they cried. But i know they just fake it. They felt bad because they hurt you all the time. I missed you so much. I can’t find the words so I just left it unsaid. Without you, this home isn’t home anymore. 

Please come back.
Amber.

Page 27 of 365.
Do they even care that I’m still alive? Do they even appreciate my existence? They don’t. People only care when you’re dead. Just like Caroline, crying over your death. They took you, I mean us for granted. They told you that they feel sorry for us but they actually don’t. In fact, they were smiling behind those fake, fake tears. You know what? I’m so done with people. They got nothing to do than pretend to care.

Do you still remember the day Miss Alexa tell us about her twin brother, Xavier? His brother is dead. He had cancer. It sucks. Knowing that you will be dead because of a disease and the side effects are even worse. Miss Alexandra looked so miserable today. I guess she missed her twin brother like I missed my twin sister. You. Please wait for me by the end of the year.
Amber.

Page 32 of 365.
I found our picture when we were kids. Those memories. If only I could keep. If only I could replay. Then, I would. But that is impossible. Remember the first day we went to the beach? And you got bitten by the baby crab? You cried haha. Well apparently when we were kids we didn't know that life is so much more painful than got bitten by a baby crab. 

Every time I miss you, I look at the mirror so I can see you in myself. Thanks to God, He created my face just like yours. But yours are so much more flawless than mine. Those green eyes. Just like the color of Emerald. Suited with your name. I loved it when the sun shone on your face. On your pale face. And the freckles. Not to forget when you blush. But I am so much different than you. My skins got a little bit tanner and my eyes are grey. I am far beyond your definition of beautiful. You are way more perfect.
Amber.
Page 39 of 365.
Today I met a guy. He has your eyes. His name is Hunter, I believe. I am in love, Em. I really do. The way he smiles. His bone structure. God. I am so head over heels.
Amber.
Page 45 of 365.
If only you were here, Em. I've missed telling you my stories. Remember our cousin, Summer? She broke up with her fiancée, Flynn. I felt sorry for her. She talks about Flynn all the time. She really needs to move on. I know it’s hard but she has to. She has loads of admirer. I mean, who am I kidding? She’s beautiful. Who wouldn’t fell in love with beautiful girls, right?

Oh, talking about love. I talked to Hunter yesterday. Apparently, he lives five houses away from ours. And he draws. EM, HELP ME! I’m drowning in a sea of love.
Amber.
Page 58 of 365.
Have you ever felt so left out? When everybody just ignore you. And your friends wouldn't talk to you anymore. Because that is what I feel. Sage and Destiny have stopped talking to me. They said that I have been so different ever since you were gone. I have to admit that I REALLY am changing. But that doesn’t mean they have to stop talking to me. I mean. What did I do? I don’t remember hurting their feelings. SCREW THEM. They don’t feel what I feel. They don’t know what it's like to lose a sister. Selfish.
Amber.
Page 62 of 365.
Remember Miss Alexa? She talked to me. She was very sad about her brother. So do I. I told her I knew exactly what she has been feeling. I told her to stay strong yet I’m the one who break down all the time. How hypocrite am I? Nah. I couldn’t care less about myself. Because my life is nothing without you, my sister.

But you know what? She is going to get married this week. I am so happy for her. She told me everything about her husband-to-be. She sounded so happy but still drowning in sorrow because his brother won’t be there on her wedding day. And then I thought I will be in the same situation as her when I get married one day. BUT THEN I REALISED, I’m going to be dead by the end of this year.
Amber.
Page 67 of 365.
I snuck out yesterday. It was great. I was all by myself. I walked pass by Hunter’s house. He really has nice front yard. Don’t ask me where I’ve been. I don’t know. I just walk all along the way. I feel like I was sleepwalking. Maybe I was just finding the light.
Amber.
Page 75 of 365.
I was listening to The Smiths all day long UNTIL HUNTER TEXTED ME. I don’t know where he got my number. I don’t care but I'm so in love with the way he arranges the words. He is a good writer. It feels good. Talking to a good writer.

Oh and yesterday I went to our favorite bookstore. I’ve never been to that store ever since you were gone. I don’t know. But I felt like reading. I found this book entitled The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I slipped into a page. And there’s a poem. About suicide, I believe. I fell in love with it the same way I fell in love with Hunter.
I’ve read it like seven times or maybe eleven. I don’t know. 

But my favorite line is;

“And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.”

And I’m starting to plan how am I going to kill myself. Drink a bleach? Maybe.
Amber.
Page 93 of 365.
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing for such a long time. I was busy, reading. And the test is around the corner. So I guess I need to pay attention to my studies. I will never forget you. In fact, I missed you like HELL, you can tell. By the way, Hunter moved to our school and he’s in my English and Art class. He sits two rows in front me. I looked at him all the time. He is soooooooooo hot.

MISS ALEXA IS PREGNANT. I know right. I’m so happy. I really hope she gets a twin.
Amber.
Page 101 of 365.
I. Freaking. Hate. My. Life. What is with everybody? People call me MAD. What is wrong with those bitches? Mom and Dad fight all the time. My grades were messed up. Why does it feel so long before the end of the year? God. Please make time goes fast.
Amber.
Page 115 of 365.
GOOD NEWS! Hunter asked me to go out for a date with him. He said I’m different. For the first time in forever, I feel loved. Today, I woke up to his voice. Ahh. Sweet life. He called me and ask me out on a date. I am going later. Oh by the way, do you mind if I wear your make up? Because I don’t have one. I wore the black and turquoise floral dress from Urban Outfitters that bought together. Remember? But yours is coral blue. It’s the first time since your funeral, I wear a colorful outfit. I’m so excited.
Amber.
Page 119 of 365.
Remember I told you that Hunter asked me out on a date? Nothing is up. But i am going to tell you. That was the best day ever. Ever. I finally did something. I finally smiled and laughed without forcing or faking it. That was the day I felt like I don’t want to end my life.
We went to a carnival date. We went to the roller coaster, Ferris wheel and took pictures at the photo booth. And he kissed me. He said it tastes like cotton candy.
Amber.
Page 127 of 365.
I went to the store again today. I spent my whole day there. Until Hunter called me and asked me to go to dinner and watch movies.

I found this book but I don’t know what it’s called because the front cover was torn. Just like my heart when I saw you lying on the floor. Dead. And my heart just stopped and I thought I, too, was going to die. Unfortunately, I wasn't. But the story is amazing. I hid it on our secret shelf so nobody can take it.
The story was about adoption. It was great. I will write you a review once I finish reading it.
Amber.
Page 145 of 365.
I cut again today. The whole school now call me a “depressed bitch”. I don’t understand. What did I do? I don’t know where I should hide my scars anymore. Everything gets worse when you’re not here. I almost thought about ending my life tonight. Then, I thought that I must fight back and get back up. That is why I cut. I needed my strength back.
Amber.
Page 152 of 365.
The principal called mom today. She said that I got suspended on the last day of school. I don’t know what did I do. And mom was really mad at me. She grounded me. But I don’t care since Hunter went to Sweden to visit his grandparents. So I don’t have any reasons to go out.

I don’t understand people. They thought they were right all the time. They only judge based on their point of view. They never want to hear our voices. Even if they want to, they will never care. They will fake a frown, hug you and secretly stab your back. And when they let go, you can feel yourself dying.

I hate people.
Amber.
Page 157 of 365.
Mom and Dad are going to send me to Grandma’s house. Seriously. That is really gonna help me, I tell you. But I don’t give a single damn about it. Because I know deep in their heart, they want me to be on the floor that night instead of you. So why would I care for someone who wants me to be dead. Right, Em?
Amber.
Page 212 of 365.
I haven’t been writing for such a long time. I’m sorry. I thought I have lost this book. But I just forgot to bring this book along. Nothing great happened. So I guess you don’t want to know about it.

Oh, and Hunter brought me to the park. We had a nice stroll. Really. He held my hands. And I told him about the people in school and he told me to ignore it. So I did. I went to the school today and felt like a warrior. I also told him about you and how much I missed you and he said he knew you. And I just kept telling him about us. He just smiled and didn't say a word.
Amber.
Page 217 of 365.
SERIOUSLY. I feel like I want to run away from this house. Yes, house, not home. Because i don’t feel like I’m home. “Home is where the heart is.” And I don’t think that I really want to continue living in this house.

You know where is my home right now? I can feel like I’m home when I look into Hunter’s eyes. I get the same feeling when I’m with you. When I hear your laughter.

I went to your grave today. I don’t know if you could see me or what. But I felt like you were right beside me. Remember our first ballet performance? You danced so beautiful. Gracefully. Not me. I was a terrible dancer. Even mom and dad said so.
Amber.
Page 229 of 365.
I went to clinic because I missed my period. And I have been feeling dizzy all the time.

“You are two weeks pregnant.”

Pregnant. Yes. I feel so miserable right now. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Should I keep it or abort it? I haven’t told Hunter about it.
Amber.
Page 234 of 365.
“What is happening to you, Amber?
 What is with the bad grades?
 What is with the cigarettes?!
 God. You are killing me.
 Why can’t you be just like your sister, Emerald?

“I’m sorry I was born as Amber
 and not Emerald.
 I’m sorry I’m a failure.”

Seriously, screw everybody. They just want you back. And they don’t even want me to be here.
Amber.
Page 245 of 365.
I told Hunter about it. He was terrified. So do I. He said he is not ready for everything. He is only 17.
He gave me a drawing. He drew me. But I realised the color of my eyes is green on that picture. So I asked him.

“I’m sorry. I’m not in love with you. I thought you could be the same as Emerald. But you are not. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

I understand.
 I'm sorry too.

So he just left me. He left me speechless. He said he need some time. So I gave him. But I waited for 4 hours and he didn’t come back.
Amber.
Page 266 of 365.
Mom and Dad didn’t come back to our house. It’s been a fortnight. I’m so worried. I want to call the cops but I’m not ready to hear the news. What if they are dead? I have nobody else then.

Em, what should I do?
Amber.
Page 283 of 365.
Mom and Dad were found dead. In a car crash.

Em, everybody is dying. Just like you.

I haven’t heard a news about Hunter since the day he left me. And then today, as I was mourning to mom and dad’s death, Hunter’s sister, Ingrid, called me. She told me that Hunter’s body was found dead at the lake near the park. He killed himself. The police suspected that he killed himself the same day I told him the news. He never come back. And left me with the baby.

I really miss being home. I miss his eyes.
Can I end my life today?
Amber.
Page 300 of 365.
Don’t ask me about school because I haven’t been to school for a month and a half. The teacher came to our house but I didn’t open the door. My life is a mess. I think I’ve been expelled. Why should I care? I will be gone soon.
Amber.
Page 330 of 365.
I went to your room. Went through your stuff. I wore your dresses. I tried to look like you. But I failed.
Amber.
Page 352 of 365.
I haven’t seen the world. I miss the sunset. I miss the stars. I miss reading the book. And I really want to know how the story ends. So I stood in front of the mirror. I didn’t see myself in you. I thought I never see myself like you. People were right. I am so far different from you.

You looked so innocent. I look like serial killer.
Your hair was perfect all the time. Mine is a big mess.
Your smile is so sweet. Mine is full of revenge.

I guess I know now.
I know that I hated you Emerald Crystal.
Amber.
Page 364 of 365.
One day away from my death. People will be clapping for sure when they heard the news.

I have to admit. I lied through my whole journey. I lied about how people died. 

People weren’t dead. I killed them. 
Yes. I did. 

I killed Hunter. 
I pushed him into the lake. 

I killed mom and dad. 
I messed up with the brakes so they will crash the car. 

But I never killed you. You killed yourself. But I made you do it. I hate you ever since. I never liked you. People loved you. But they hated me. They have never wanted me to be here. 
They thought I was the one who lying on the floor, then they realised it was you. The whole world was crying. 

But as soon as they’ll find out I'm going to be on the floor, they will be smiling.

I’m sorry I was smiling when I found your dead, dead body.
Amber.
Page 365 of 365.


Today is the day.
I will be gone with this child.
GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD.
Amber Diamond.
----
BANG!

--she was found dead in her sister's bathroom.

this is just a story i wrote. none of this is real so don't worry. i hope you enjoy it. i'm glad if you like it. i'm sorry if you are not. oh and i'm sorry for the terrible grammar.

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