❝ and if no one sees you, are you really there at all? ❞

17. End It All.
Posted Sunday, December 28, 2014 // 2:21 AM



i stare blankly out of the window. as the song is moving on to another song, comes a moment of silence. i realise that nobody could hear what i am hearing. not the music i listen to. not even my thoughts. and the little voice that creeping out my mind. i look around me, wondering if someone could have seen me daydreaming. or maybe, hallucinating. i cannot seem to find the differences anymore. not since that day. the day my sister died. not just a sister, but a twin sister. who i have been spending time together since we were in our mother's womb.
'28/3/2008, 11:48 p.m', i mumble. "sorry, did you say anything, autumn?" i look up, looking for the source of the voice. i realise that i am in my therapist room. just a second, i thought that i was in the bookstore while listening to music. and now i am not anymore. it happens all the time.
where does the music comes from?
how long have i been here?
where have i been?
"er, nothing," i say awkwardly, looking away from my therapist eyes, not wanting to my therapist to look into my dark soul. "i am pretty sure that you said something, young lady." i hate that. when my therapist forces me to say what is in my mind. the thing is that i cannot say to my therapist what i have been thinking lately. it is too dangerous. very, very dangerous. i have been finding a way to get out of this world. to end my life. to die. i just shrug just to show my therapist aka mrs-know-it-all aka Elouise, that i do not want to talk to her. in fact, i have been forced to meet her twice a week which is very torturing, having to lie to cover up the whole plan of ending my life.
Elouise stares at me for a second. "i guess you really do not want to talk to me what is it in your mind. so i guess i will talk to you next thursday?" i just nod and stand up quickly, having the urge to get out from that place. i fasten my steps towards the door. i say thank you and get out of the room, not wanting to hear her voice anymore.
i get into my car and release a long sigh that i do not know i held on to. i look outside the window. suddenly i hear the teardrops, falling in the roof of my car. i close my eyes. trying to hold my teardrops from falling. i suck everything back, trying not to breakdown. i gasp for some air to breathe. and suddenly i hear the rain stops. i open my eyes and hear the car horns. i am hallucinating again. the traffic light has turned to green. i press the pedal immediately, shaking my head off. i turn to the left, heading to my favourite bookstore. my favourite place. my home.
the first thing that i sense when i step into the bookstore is my favourite scent. the smell of books that blend with coffee. the reason that i love the bookstore is they combine with coffee shop. my second favourite thing after bookstore. i reach to the last bookshelf in the place, the place that i used to hang with Summer. my twin sister, Summer Serenity. we are identical except for our eyes. i have brown mix with green. Summer's eyes had the colours of summer. the colour of happiness. the kind that you look into the eyes and you will smile automatically, feel the warm of the sun in the summer. her death was tragic. she killed herself but she made it look like it was an accident. she drove off the cliff. she left us with a recording tape. the suicide note. i can still remember her voice in the tape. it is still fresh in my mind. i take out my journal, jotting down the plans.
i lay on the floor thinking. i grab the nearest book from me. Matilda by Roahl Dahl. every where i go, Summer's trail cannot seem to get off of me. there is her face in between the words in the book. probably just hallucinating. but her eyes seem so inviting. i close my eyes, trying to recall the warmth of her eyes. then i hear a laugh. 'i knew that voice', i think. i open my eyes and see Summer. i can feel the warmth feeling in my stomach. i know that i am hallucinating but i try not to blink, not wanting to wake up from this hallucination for the first time. she runs to the next bookshelf and i follow her. i do not want to lose her again. not this time.
"yes, miss. how may i help you?" a barista asks me while giving me a quizzical look. i grunt and just shake my head. "can i please have vanilla latte?" i say, trying not to look like an idiot. the barista just smiles and nods. i go grab and pack my bag. walk to the counter, thinking about what just happened. i have never experienced anything like that in first hand. handing in the money to the cashier and walk out from the bookstore (plus the coffee shop) with a heavy heart.
i am trying to find the reason not to go back to the house. 'house', i think. 'not home.' i sit in my car. thinking when am i going to end it. i finish up my vanilla latte and drive to the cliff where Summer end hers. i park under a tree. trying to decide how does my life going to end. does it the same way just how Summer ended hers? i sit and look outside the window. out of nowhere, a car drives straight and fast off the cliff. i can see the driver. it's Summer. i know i am hallucinating again. i blink hardly and shake my head, trying to wake up from this hallucination. i do not want to see how Summer ended her life. her life has already ended. i reversed my car back and head to my house, sobbing so hard. my eyesight becomes blurry. i cannot even drive like a normal person. i just stop my car in the middle of the road. it is nearly 10:30 p.m and the road is clear.
i take a deep breath. a really long and deep breath. the kind that you can feel the air pressure in your lungs and afraid that you might explode it. i wipe my tears off. 'nothing can break me. nothing can kill me. only a bullet will.' just a second, i have found the solution. 'this is it,' i thought. i am going for the gun. i know i can find it somewhere. my dad is a cop so he must have kept a gun somewhere.
i continue driving to my house. there is no car except mine. as i arrived my house, i park my car in the driveway. i take a moment before going inside the house. getting ready for the bullet of question, attacking me as i enter the house, like a bullet. i grab my bag and walk in, trying to ignore all the stares. "autumn, where have you been? you made us worried sick. i called Elouise and she said you went back home at 7. now it is nearly 11. what were you thinking? stop being so selfish." there is it. my mother attacks me as soon as i enter the living room. i take a glance and see my father sitting besides my mother with the television turned on. 'runaway project,' i think. 'summer would love that.' my father gives me the death stare. i do not care, i probably would be dead by tonight.
"do not ignore me! i am asking you. you have to stop making us worry about you!" my mother's voice breaks the silence. i snort, "do you actually worried?" i take a step forward but my father's voice has stopped me. "not with that attitude, young lady." i laugh. they give me the quizzical look. probably do not understand the reason i laugh. my laugh breaks into tears. 'i am not breaking down in front of them,' i persuade myself to stop. but i cannot seem to hold it any longer.
"STOP BEING SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MAKE US WORRIED." my mother starts to raise her voice. i look up at her eyes and words start to come out of my mouth. "if i did not show a little bit of drama then no one probably would have cared." i cannot believe that i have said that to them. i have always wanted to say that. my mother gives the surprise look. my father stands up, starts to say something. "what on earth has changed you? you have never acted like this before. we have never taught you to be this rude. who the hell do you think we are? your friends? that you can raise your voice to?" i can feel it. my heart is breaking into pieces. my father has broke my heart before any other boys could. i roll my eyes and tears start to roll upon my cheek. "do not give me that face, Autumn Aubrielle."
my patience has reached to the limit. "THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? FAKE A SMILE? LIKE WHAT SUMMER USED TO DO ALL THE TIME? AND THEN DRIVE MYSELF OFF A CLIFF? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?" my father raises his hand, trying to slap me, i guess but i stop him with my words. "you thought that i have changed yet you guys are the one that has been changing. the worst part is you make me look like i am the bad one. like i am the villain when i actually do not have a choice. nobody really understands that i am sick. and people seems to agree with you guys... that i am the bad one here. if Summer is here, she probably would understand." i run upstairs, heading to my parents' room to take the gun and go straight into my room. i can hear my father, shouting at me something about ungrateful which i do not even care about.
'there,' i mumbles, 'i have had it.'
then i lock my door. i can hear clearly that my mother is crying. it breaks my heart even more. i do not have the intention to do that. to remind her about Summer. not since the day she died, exactly the past 5 years. today is 28/3/2013, Summer's death anniversary. i realise that maybe this is why Summer has appeared in my hallucination. because this is the time. i take a breath and grab the video camera inside the drawer and place it on my dressing table. turn it on and start recording.
i stand there. in front of the camera. i let out a heavy sigh along with the tears. my eye makeup probably has washed off my face. i can feel my face is soaking wet with tears. i try to find a space to breathe and words to say.
"hey mom.. and dad.. remember when we celebrated Summer and I's 5th birthday? it was good, wasn't it? the cake and presents. but if you are watching this video later, you do not have to think about our birthday anymore. because it is going to end. do not worry about it. because if you are watching this, then there are possibilities that i probably would not come back to life. i am sorry i have never been a great child. i have always been a troublesome, a great nuisance. i do not want you to blame yourself about this later. but i have had it. i have been holding too strong on for so long. i cannot seem to find the light anymore right in the moment i knew Summer will never be here with me till the end of time. and ever since that day, we have never been the same way as we did before. everything has turned much worse. even she had left us for five years. everything went dull. the colour of my life has faded away with the happiness and the laughter. we cannot even smile at each other. everybody tried not to take the blame on the reason why Summer killed herself. after listening to the tape that Summer has left us, everybody started to regret it. i think that it is funny when you are dead, how people started listening on whatever we felt inside. but not for so long, you guys looked like you are forgetting about it. but then it became much worse. and i have never felt so neglected before that i cry myself to sleep, every single night. thinking about the future and about us. until that one night, i thought that i should end my life just like Summer. and so right now i am about to. Autumn is falling, get it?" i let out a small laugh. 'yeah, falling apart,' i whisper, i do not know if they could hear it in the video. just before i grab the gun on the dressing table, everything went silent and all i can hear is the sound of my mother crying and my father calming her down. i take a deep breath. the last breath that i probably be taking. i move a step behind me. trying to show them a better picture.
i stand in the middle of the room. look right into the lens, and i can see a figure in the reflection. i automatically know that this is the time. i take a glance at the clock, 11:47 p.m. getting ready to pull the trigger. getting ready for the bullet to go straight into my head. straight and fast just like how Summer drove her car off the cliff. i smile for the first time since forever. because i know this is it. this is the time.
"end it all."
everything turns into pitch black. too dark for me to see. for another five seconds, i see something. something that makes me believe that i will never have to hallucinate anymore. something so familiar. the figure that i saw in the reflection just before i took my own life away. suddenly, i feel the warmth feeling in my stomach. i see the eyes of the sunset during the summer. i see Summer's eyes.

okay here's just another short story that i wrote long time ago but i posted it somewhere else. thought i ought to share it here. yeah, i write too much dark stuff. soooo i hope you like it and didn't take this seriously. DON'T KILL YOURSELF, OKAY? everything will get better eventually. suicide isn't the answer. never is. (and you won't go to heaven, seriously.) i really hope you like my writing. 

Carpe Librum,
L. 

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