forever was legit the last time i have updated this blog. i'm sorry for abandoning and possibly some future abandonment that might happen somewhere along this year. but hey, i'm here, still alive, walking into 2019, feeling better than ever. it is already 2019, i know. crazy how time flies, huh? i could've sworn that i was entering 2018 just few weeks ago. time has become so fast that it is actually terrifying. we are so much closer to the end than we actually realised. 

so yeah, 2018 has finally wrapped up. boy, oh boy, did i learn a lot last year. i don't know how to describe about my 2018 in one word. it was just weird? and everything happened so fast. 2018 has been the year where i have met a lot of people (and when i said a lot, i really do mean it). and also, a year where i have lost quite a lot of people, especially the most important one. 

so, okay, uhh, how do i start this... by the beginning of last year, i noticed some changes in me. mentally, mostly. i was not in a good state. i had been too caught up with my past that moving on was not in my textbook definition. i can still remember what i felt. i felt like i was losing myself completely. i swear that losing someone you love is much less painful than this. i swear that there is nothing much more heartbreaking than watching your world falls apart right in front of your eyes and there's not much that you can do about it, except for grieving about it. i did not recognise the soul that lived in my 20-years-old body and if that is not horrifying, then, i don't know what is. 

my mind was not nice to me at all for most of the time. as if i have set a reminder for every hour, telling me how useless, hopeless, worthless i actually was. but then, i started to talk to a lot of people. i became closer to my best friends, sharing everything that i should. and at some point i thought i glowed up. maybe i did. not drastically though. but i still have the hatred that was planted deep inside my heart. i mean, i don't blame myself for that if that was what i had been feeling for the past 4 years of my life. 

as i said earlier, i met a lot of people. like seriously. a lot. i talked to a lot of new people and somehow that shifted my mind from thinking all the bad stuffs all the time. and 2018 was the year where i finally got myself into a university. yay me? I got into UiTM Puncak Perdana, Faculty of Film, Theatre, Animation, FF233: Creative Writing. yep. i never thought i'll get into UiTM. lol okay, so, i was expecting for UM, or UKM. yes, i did choose UiTM but to be fair it was like my 9th choice! who would have thought?! at first, i was hesitant, but i just told myself to give it a go. so, i did, and never regretted it ever since. i like what i am learning. so far. it was all good. i even found myself working harder than ever. like i have never did before lol

what are the odds that one of the most people that i met this year happens to be someone that will meant so much to me? so yeah, that's that. i am not going to talk further about my relationship because we still have a long way to go to forever. but all that i know is that i have never felt so loved by someone before and having to experience it, makes me learn on how i should be treated, how i should be loved. i am still on my way to love myself. it is hard but i will make it someday. 

and the year of 2018 has been remarked as the year i lost someone so special to me. on 18/12/2018, i have lost my grandmother due to stroke. the blood clot in her brain burst. i was there to witness it happened. seeing her slowly fade away, but still peacefully, it was heartbreaking but still it put my heart at ease, knowing that she would not have to suffer any longer. 

by the end of the year, i started to write and read again. and i could not feel happier because i have finally felt like i regained myself. i remember how i used to love reading so much. but at some point, i have lost the spark in reading. every words that i read seemed so hard for me to decipher the story line and my brain struggled to fathom the words and metaphors that i read. and when i started to read again, i found the joy that i once lost. i even caught my brain, narrating my life away, just like in the books. that was how i knew that i have finally gotten myself back. i don't know for how long though. all i know is to cherish every moment of it. just like how you lose other people, you'll never know when will you start losing yourself. 

all in all, i think that 2018 was the year for my self growth. i am heading towards the self-love journey and i still have a long, long way to go. i am not expecting much for this year. all i want is to see the people i walked into 2019 with will still be there with me, by my side, towards the end of the year. i just wish nothing more other than a wholesome happiness, success and love for this year.

okay but i still don't know what to expect. expecting is a scary thing to do because disappointment leads to heartbreak. heartbreak is painful. 

but anyways, enough with the talk. i hope i'll keep this blog updated frequently. hopefully.

forever was legit the last time i have updated this blog. i'm sorry for abandoning and possibly some future abandonment that might happen somewhere along this year. but hey, i'm here, still alive, walking into 2019, feeling better than ever. it is already 2019, i know. crazy how time flies, huh? i could've sworn that i was entering 2018 just few weeks ago. time has become so fast that it is actually terrifying. we are so much closer to the end than we actually realised. 

so yeah, 2018 has finally wrapped up. boy, oh boy, did i learn a lot last year. i don't know how to describe about my 2018 in one word. it was just weird? and everything happened so fast. 2018 has been the year where i have met a lot of people (and when i said a lot, i really do mean it). and also, a year where i have lost quite a lot of people, especially the most important one. 

so, okay, uhh, how do i start this... by the beginning of last year, i noticed some changes in me. mentally, mostly. i was not in a good state. i had been too caught up with my past that moving on was not in my textbook definition. i can still remember what i felt. i felt like i was losing myself completely. i swear that losing someone you love is much less painful than this. i swear that there is nothing much more heartbreaking than watching your world falls apart right in front of your eyes and there's not much that you can do about it, except for grieving about it. i did not recognise the soul that lived in my 20-years-old body and if that is not horrifying, then, i don't know what is. 

my mind was not nice to me at all for most of the time. as if i have set a reminder for every hour, telling me how useless, hopeless, worthless i actually was. but then, i started to talk to a lot of people. i became closer to my best friends, sharing everything that i should. and at some point i thought i glowed up. maybe i did. not drastically though. but i still have the hatred that was planted deep inside my heart. i mean, i don't blame myself for that if that was what i had been feeling for the past 4 years of my life. 

as i said earlier, i met a lot of people. like seriously. a lot. i talked to a lot of new people and somehow that shifted my mind from thinking all the bad stuffs all the time. and 2018 was the year where i finally got myself into a university. yay me? I got into UiTM Puncak Perdana, Faculty of Film, Theatre, Animation, FF233: Creative Writing. yep. i never thought i'll get into UiTM. lol okay, so, i was expecting for UM, or UKM. yes, i did choose UiTM but to be fair it was like my 9th choice! who would have thought?! at first, i was hesitant, but i just told myself to give it a go. so, i did, and never regretted it ever since. i like what i am learning. so far. it was all good. i even found myself working harder than ever. like i have never did before lol

what are the odds that one of the most people that i met this year happens to be someone that will meant so much to me? so yeah, that's that. i am not going to talk further about my relationship because we still have a long way to go to forever. but all that i know is that i have never felt so loved by someone before and having to experience it, makes me learn on how i should be treated, how i should be loved. i am still on my way to love myself. it is hard but i will make it someday. 

and the year of 2018 has been remarked as the year i lost someone so special to me. on 18/12/2018, i have lost my grandmother due to stroke. the blood clot in her brain burst. i was there to witness it happened. seeing her slowly fade away, but still peacefully, it was heartbreaking but still it put my heart at ease, knowing that she would not have to suffer any longer. 

by the end of the year, i started to write and read again. and i could not feel happier because i have finally felt like i regained myself. i remember how i used to love reading so much. but at some point, i have lost the spark in reading. every words that i read seemed so hard for me to decipher the story line and my brain struggled to fathom the words and metaphors that i read. and when i started to read again, i found the joy that i once lost. i even caught my brain, narrating my life away, just like in the books. that was how i knew that i have finally gotten myself back. i don't know for how long though. all i know is to cherish every moment of it. just like how you lose other people, you'll never know when will you start losing yourself. 

all in all, i think that 2018 was the year for my self growth. i am heading towards the self-love journey and i still have a long, long way to go. i am not expecting much for this year. all i want is to see the people i walked into 2019 with will still be there with me, by my side, towards the end of the year. i just wish nothing more other than a wholesome happiness, success and love for this year.

okay but i still don't know what to expect. expecting is a scary thing to do because disappointment leads to heartbreak. heartbreak is painful. 

but anyways, enough with the talk. i hope i'll keep this blog updated frequently. hopefully.