57. hey insecurities
Posted Sunday, March 20, 2016 // 4:42 PMhello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?
actually, i don't really have the main topic for this post. but i do have some ideas of what i will be talking about. the thing is, i just don't know where to begin with. but maybe, that's what. it's not about something to begin with, but it's about something to end with.
i don't know if this is one of my insecurities or what (yes, i do have plenty of insecurities besides my appearances. but i mean, don't we all?). i want to point out about my clingyness (<-- is this a proper english word? whatever). is this something to be insecured about? is this a flaw? i don't know.
i am this kind of person that will be clingy towards you when i am comfortable with you. but i don't mean like a normal clingy, but i will spam you with my texts. i want to spend my time 24/7 with you and get annoyed or mad or sad when i don't, and you have to do the same. basically, i will never let you out of my sight when i have reached to that one level of being comfortable with certain people. do you get what i mean?
i used to be fine with myself being clingy. not until someone told me that i need to stop because i am being annoying. and i guess, that has left me scarred and scared for life. my mind will be forever scarred that i am annoying for being clingy. and i will be forever scared to be attached to someone because i'm scared that i will annoy the fuck out of them with this clingyness.
i didn't realise it until yesterday. that my clingyness is one of my insecurities. and i hated myself for being in such ways. i tweeted about it and one of my favourite people replied and said that maybe that person is not the right person for me to cling on. and that really opened up my mind. she is right.
that person didn't even deserve my attention. not even my love, yet i still loved him. thank God i have kicked him out of my life. he was like my biggest lesson in life. he didn't even treat me well. why the hell was i with him? ugh. but whatever it is, i have moved on. it just that i have a few moment in my life where i will think about my past, especially the bad ones. just for self-reflection. so that i will never repeat the same mistake again.
so, lessons learned, kids. remember that always careful about something that you gotta say about someone. it might be one of their insecurities. and for you to point that out to them, will be the biggest nightmare and will scar them for life. just remember that our insecurities doesn't revolve around our physical appearances only.
and another lesson from this post is, if that person don't treat you well and ignore you, just leave them. they are not worth any attention to you. get you a person who can treat you like a normal human being. that can accept you and learn how to deal with your flaws. don't let them tell you what to do. just be you. if that person can't accept you for being yourself, then what are you waiting for? cause someone out there could love you more. (okay, to be fair, that was troye sivan's lyrics from lost boy but screw it. i like the lyrics and it speaks the truth.)
any way, if you don't feel loved when you are around someone that you love, then just walk away. you are loved. i promise you. but not by them. okay?
i think that's for it now. i don't have anything else to say. i miss writing so much. i do have a lot of things to talk about. i just don't know how to put it into proper words and it is just to much that i don't know where on earth should i begin. i'll try to post as often as i could since i haven't started my school yet. so yeaaahhh. gotta gowww.
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