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57. hey insecurities
written on Sunday, March 20, 2016 @ 4:42 PM
hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?
actually, i don't really have the main topic for this post. but i do have some ideas of what i will be talking about. the thing is, i just don't know where to begin with. but maybe, that's what. it's not about something to begin with, but it's about something to end with.
i don't know if this is one of my insecurities or what (yes, i do have plenty of insecurities besides my appearances. but i mean, don't we all?). i want to point out about my clingyness (<-- is this a proper english word? whatever). is this something to be insecured about? is this a flaw? i don't know.
i am this kind of person that will be clingy towards you when i am comfortable with you. but i don't mean like a normal clingy, but i will spam you with my texts. i want to spend my time 24/7 with you and get annoyed or mad or sad when i don't, and you have to do the same. basically, i will never let you out of my sight when i have reached to that one level of being comfortable with certain people. do you get what i mean?
i used to be fine with myself being clingy. not until someone told me that i need to stop because i am being annoying. and i guess, that has left me scarred and scared for life. my mind will be forever scarred that i am annoying for being clingy. and i will be forever scared to be attached to someone because i'm scared that i will annoy the fuck out of them with this clingyness.
i didn't realise it until yesterday. that my clingyness is one of my insecurities. and i hated myself for being in such ways. i tweeted about it and one of my favourite people replied and said that maybe that person is not the right person for me to cling on. and that really opened up my mind. she is right.
that person didn't even deserve my attention. not even my love, yet i still loved him. thank God i have kicked him out of my life. he was like my biggest lesson in life. he didn't even treat me well. why the hell was i with him? ugh. but whatever it is, i have moved on. it just that i have a few moment in my life where i will think about my past, especially the bad ones. just for self-reflection. so that i will never repeat the same mistake again.
so, lessons learned, kids. remember that always careful about something that you gotta say about someone. it might be one of their insecurities. and for you to point that out to them, will be the biggest nightmare and will scar them for life. just remember that our insecurities doesn't revolve around our physical appearances only.
and another lesson from this post is, if that person don't treat you well and ignore you, just leave them. they are not worth any attention to you. get you a person who can treat you like a normal human being. that can accept you and learn how to deal with your flaws. don't let them tell you what to do. just be you. if that person can't accept you for being yourself, then what are you waiting for? cause someone out there could love you more. (okay, to be fair, that was troye sivan's lyrics from lost boy but screw it. i like the lyrics and it speaks the truth.)
any way, if you don't feel loved when you are around someone that you love, then just walk away. you are loved. i promise you. but not by them. okay?
i think that's for it now. i don't have anything else to say. i miss writing so much. i do have a lot of things to talk about. i just don't know how to put it into proper words and it is just to much that i don't know where on earth should i begin. i'll try to post as often as i could since i haven't started my school yet. so yeaaahhh. gotta gowww.
guddbai guddbai,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, reflecting, thoughts
55. 18 things I learned in life
written on Sunday, February 21, 2016 @ 11:17 PM
hey look, it foetus me~~~
apparently, 18 years ago from today, i was born. aha. yep. today is my birthday. weirdly i like my birth date because i found it quite hard to find somebody with a same birth date as mine. so, i think that maybe i should write a short post. mediocre short post. i cannot guarantee anything about how long this post gonna be. well then, i better start it right now.
so, here you go. 18 things i learned in life;
1. if someone doesn't appreciate you or treat you like you deserve to be treated, they are not worth the hurt, the pain and the heartbreak.
2. you make mistake because you are a human. it is normal for human to err.
3. make sure when you decided to walk out of someone's life, do not turn back around.
4. love your parents. they may not understand you all the time, but they will always be there to love you.
5. if someone say that they want you, be sure that they show it. not just say it.
6. don't let your past define who you are now.
7. if your best friend doesn't like your partner, there must be something wrong. you see what you want to see; and that will cover up all the flaws.
8. true friends will accept for who you are and never will judge you by your past.
9. friends fight, that's that. but true friends will always come back.
10. not everyone wants to hear about your problem, let alone care about it. try not to someone solve your problem for you. just let them be just the listener.
11. try to do new things. step out of your comfort zone. that's how you find yourself.
12. if you want something, work for it. people aren't born talented, honey. they work for it.
13. sometimes, even though you do your best, it is still not enough for someone else. so take the matters of your own hand. do not depend on someone else too much.
14. when you are promised or convinced with something, always expect for the least. it is hard to find someone who keep their promises.
15. do not let someone else be your happiness, they will always break it.
16. people's definitions of beautiful are different. if they tell you that you are ugly, someone else might see you like you are the most beautiful thing in the world.
17. people often sugarcoat things. so do not rely on the bright side. be prepared for the bitter.
18. it's quite flattering for someone to have a crush on you. but remember, being somebody's crush means that they like you for what they see. go for someone who has seen all the sides of you, and still want you for who you are.
god, that is all. i feel like there's a lot of other things that i want to point out but i have limited into 18. this is just what i learned. doesn't mean i'm right though. this is just how i feel. i haven't been living for a long time. i still do have something more to learn about. toodles~
Happy Birthday?
L.
Labels: 2016, life, life lessons, opinion, ramble, reflecting
43. after midnight's thoughts
written on Tuesday, January 19, 2016 @ 1:38 AM
SPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY NOT WORTH READING.
first off, i actually forgotten that i was supposed to update a blog post yesterday. as i am writing this, i am 52 minutes forward from yesterday. i am in da futureeeeee (and also the past by the time some of you read this). okay calm down. so basically this is me, updating a blog post 7 minutes to 1 in the morning. crazy, i'nit? no. not really. fair warning: this blog post is going to be super random as you are aware of the title. after midnight's thoughts. you all know what happen in your mind right when the clock struck 12 in the midnight. everything that you are thinking become deep. so deep, adele couldn't even roll it.
nowadays, i barely think about my past. because nothing good ever lived there. the darkness of my past was like some kind of a blob of a black paint on my life canvas somewhere. we all have the darkness in us, haven't we? so, all i am thinking right now is the present and sometimes the future which terrifies me, a LOT. the thought of turning 18 is scary. i am going to have to be a responsible adult in mostly everything that i do. and i am sitting here, wondering how to adult. i can barely speak in front of people without stuttering, so how the hell am i going to pay all the bills by myself? *shudders*
to think about it, exactly last year, i was not as happy as i am these days. i was at the unhappiest moments in my life. i am really grateful that i have finally moved on from that dark side of me. all i can hope was that for that darkness not to haunt me again. because i am already perfectly fine in my own. the most important thing is for me to stop myself from overthinking. doesn't matter if it is about the past or the future. just focus on the present. because thinking about future really makes me anxious which is not a good thing.
also, maybe if i try to tell myself frequently to stop caring about what others might think or feel about me so much, then maybe i have finally reached to another level of happiness. aha. boo hoo, people. say watcha gotta say. me don't care. mmm watcha sayyy~
midnight really makes my mind work really good. the way i write is probably different than usual, i guess. it is funny to think that i got an award for the best student in English (English only cause I suck in other subjects). because the truth is, i probably know only 5%-15% of words in English language. because the truth is we will never gain enough knowledge in our lifetime. that's why we will never stop learning. academically or theoretically. and the most mind blowing thing is that to compare ourselves with the the whole universe, we are just a speck of dust. yet we still matter in this world. without you and i, there are probably somebody else who wouldn't be or feel complete in their life. how Great is God. and how exquisite His creations are. beyond amazing.
told you, this entry will be way too deep. it's weird, right? how our minds do that. why do we thought about the most unquestionable things during the midnight? is it the surroundings? or is it the loneliness that we feel? okay, the more i think about. the weirder it feels for me. so maybe i'll just go off to bed, really. i have a really bad sleeping patterns these days, everyday this year. so let's just pray that liyana will be able to sort out her sleeping schedules so that she will feel as normal because that is how the human nature works. (that doesn't mean being different is not good, but having a not normal sleeping schedule is not to be proud of because you have different sleeping time with others. that is not different, that is just unhealthy.)
somebody really needs to get me off from here. the longer i stay, the weirder this post has become.
So Long and Good Night,
L.
okay i swear this is the last one but did someone sing to Helena by MCR when reading that? cause i do. ok guddbai guddbai
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, thoughts
41. back-to-school advice
written on Thursday, January 14, 2016 @ 11:17 PM
waddup? i'm back. i'm back. i am back with my so-called back to school advice(s). not to say that i am expert at this or what but this is based on what i learned during my whole life at school. but mind you that it might be going to be some kind of like high school's advices because i have to say that i cannot even remember what happened during my primary school hahaha. i need to fix my memories like seriously.
okay. i know all of you hate school to death that you wish you could burn the school down so you won't have to be attending it any longer. trust me, i felt the same way when i was in your place. we do all agree that school is tiring and all but when you have ended high school, you would want to go back to school. however, not because we miss homeworks or whatever that is related to studying. instead, we just miss being with our friends and having to meet them five times a week or even more. but when you have ended high school, you probably might not even get to see some of your friends because they are too busy to prepare for the real world.
okay, so here are some few advices that i could give to you. but that doesn't mean that i am saying that i am right. (but i am neither wrong). we are just entitled to our own opinion so...
1. when it comes to friend, you have to know and understand it really well that your friend that you have been sitting together with since the first year of school, won't be there standing by your side when you are graduating. but don't get me wrong. i am not saying all of you will be experiencing the same thing. but people come and people go. so you can't expect them to stay the same place where they are when they were at the beginning.
especially. ESPECIALLY. when you are entering the real high school, i.e, when you are entering the Fourth Form, which i had to say was the toughest year i ever been through during the whole high school year. that is when the whole things change. you probably won't be in the same class with your 'best friend forever' any longer. but not to worry because some of them that i know used to be friends with since day one, still be friends even though they are not in the same class any more. it just depends on how things work around you. if it is meant to be, it will be. and all you need to do is be prepared. don't be afraid to make a new friends. you might even want to start it now.
2. okay, i know most of you are starting to get into relationship during the high school year. at least that is what i am aware of. but you have to remember that your school years are going to be the year for you to be experimenting on this whole relationship thing. but you don't have to worry. it's not like you are pressured to be in a relationship or something. but what i do know is, no matter what. if that person is not treating you well, don't be afraid to leave that relationship to an end. it won't be the end of the world. you don't have to be in a relationship where you will have to think that you are not worth it. most of the nice people always went for the bad people to date with. you know why? i quote here from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, we accept the love we think we deserve. always know that, if someone that you are dating with is treating you badly, never think that you don't deserve him. instead, they are the ones who don't deserve you. be with the one who brings out the best in you.
however, it is just the beginning. because by the end of the school year it will all be a cringe-worthy story that you will remember any time. it will be a part of your history and that is how you learn to appreciate yourself and how to treat yourself better than other people do. and most importantly, do not be in a relationship with someone that you are forced into. it will never be a pretty ending to that. and mostly, it is totally not worth it. hey, this doesn't mean that you HAVE and MUST be in a relationship during high school. this is all just beginning. you will never know who will be waiting for you (and praying to God everyday) in the outside world.
3. i am blessed and grateful that during most of time in high school, i had the best teacher i could ever ask for. they are not just a teacher. they are like our mums and dads, sisters and brothers, and even best friends to me and my classmates. just remember that your teachers had sacrificed a lot of thing. despite the fact that some of them might have their kids waiting for them at home, they are still there ready to teach you. so, don't easily throw a hate on them when they are being angry or mad at you or something. they are mad at you probably because you did something wrong. so, never despise them just because they are being mad at you WITH a reason. unless, they are being mad all the time at you without a reason. then, there might be a problem on that.
4. as i said earlier, school years are the year where you are experimenting on stuffs. and for me, those were the years where i was trying to find myself. well, i guess i thought it was. because when you are in teenage years, you are mostly confused with yourself. because you are in the year where you just outgrow from your childhood and starting to be prepared with the adulthood which is pretty darn scary. and this is the stage where some of you will make some mistakes, big or small. and fear not, my friend. that is how you will learn. i mean it will always go back to the person itself. either they are going to learn from it or they are going to make the same mistake over and over because they thought that is just who they are. my advice is do not afraid to make mistake because at some point it is human for us to err.
but always remember that not all people will be facing the same thing at the same time. some might learn after they have ended the school and some might not. so whatever it is, we just need to be prepared for what is coming and just be strong and learn how to deal with it. mistakes that we did in the past don't define who we are in the future. all we need to do is just fix what we did wrong if possible or try to become better person than who we were yesterday.
5. don't be afraid to be yourself. because you are who you are and nobody is going to say that you are not. screw what other people say about you for doing thing that you love as long as it is not wrong to do it. people might throw some bad words and you and stuff, but never let it get you down. honey, you are standing at the main stage and those people who are throwing things at you are not in the same place where you are. if they are saying bad stuffs about you, they are most likely to be intimidated by you. so, stand tall. chin up. you are you and embrace it.
most important thing is to have fun. because you know what? most of the grown adults out there are dying to be in your place. yeah, yeah. i understand that waking up early is tiring and doing homework feels like it is a nuisance but there is a lot of other thing to be happy about. think about it, by the time you have ended your school year, you will be regretting those times that you have spent being sad over nothing instead of having fun with your friends that you might not see it again. if you have ever been given a choice to bawl your eyes out over your stupid boyfriend who never appreciates you or hanging out with your friends, choose to be happy. ALWAYS choose to be happy. because you will never know when will be the time you will be at your happiest again. at least when you are in your down moments, you still have something that can make you smile about.
6. i am not a bright student let alone the number one student in my school. i am just appear to be a fast learner at some things (mostly when it comes to things that are related to right-brain stuffs). but here are some advice about studying. first and foremost, never, ever ever ever ever ever choose the stream (for the fourth form) that you do not like. if you hate science, DO NOT EVER step in the science stream class even if your teacher forces you to be in it. you know yourself better. not your teacher. because in the end, it will just demotivate you in the end. just like me and additional mathematics. this is the only forced relationship that i have ever been into in my lifetime. i have to study the subject that i hate and i ended up not paying attention in most of my classes. lesson's learned. i am never going back to that dark alley again. ugh.
another tips that i can give you is to know what type of learners you are. some people are visual learners, auditory or kinaesthetics. and as for me, i am an auditory learner and the most unfortunate thing is i discovered about it in my fifth form. yikes. all of those times that i have spent studying went down to the trash because i didn't even remember a thing that i read. so i suggest you to google about it first because trust me, i am no expert at this.
all i know about visual learners are they can spend hours studying. and they usually use colours to make them remember better. they will take notes during classes and they usually read to remember stuffs.
i don't really know much about kinaesthetics but as far as i know is they can't stand hours long of studying but most of them appear to be smart. they will remember stuff quickly by doing experiments and exercises.
and as for the auditory learners like me, i was NEEDED to pay attention while in the class but i am not good at paying attention because my mind usually wandered of somewhere and i sometimes appear to be late at picking up things. i usually ended up laughing at a joke 15 seconds after people laugh. yep. but i find the solution to it as i almost ended my high school. as i am the big fan of youtube and the big hater of additional mathematics, one night i decided to search for a video that can learn with. and fortunately, there is this lovely human being that covers all of the topics. i could never be more thankful. i was starting to know some of things rather than have zero knowledge like i used to. so i suggest all of you, auditory learners to study on youtube. the channel is: Y=mx+c. good luck and have fun studying.
i guess that was all that i had to say. i guess. welp, i sure did learn a lot in high school. there might be more but i couldn't think of all of them. i am human. hahaha. also, mind you that all of these advices are based on my experience in high school. but yeah, i hope it helps to some of you. the next post will be my first #fangirlfriday which i am most excited about. hurrah to me lol. so, good luck with your life. and STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS. STAY IN SCHOOL. aa guddbai.
also, i just received the news of alan rickman's death while i'm writing the post. still, we will ALWAYS remember you, professor snape *raises wand*
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: life, life lessons, school, thoughts
#38 - dear people
written on Tuesday, December 22, 2015 @ 5:41 PM
dear people in the world,
i know all of you are, indeed, a very nice person. you feel obligated to make other people feel good about themselves. so, just like how we usually do, we compliment each other. but there is one thing that bugs me A LOT. i mean there is nothing wrong if you want to compliment each other. but there are WAYS to do it. and one of them is...
DO NOT BRING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL BETTER.
for an example;
"curvy girls are better than skinny girls."
"you are beautiful if you don't have thigh gap."
"you are better than her. she is ugly."
"have you seen yourself inside the mirror? at least she's skinny."
"don't worry about it. she's stupid unlike you."
?????????
um, i mean... how does that can make other people feel better? probably, there sure are people actually do but not to me at least. why do you think it is appropriate for you to offend people to make other people feel good about themselves? not to say that i am such an angel. in fact, i, too, sometimes probably do that. guess what? i am flawed. but i have been trying to teach myself to keep the bad only to myself.
i know you do not mean it that way. we do not usually realise that some things that we have said can be hurtful towards others. that is why, it is crucial for us to think before saying something. because most of the times, everything sounds better in our head before we say it out loud.
it is just the same when your parents compare you to other kids. except of course, that is less obvious. most of you hate that, yes? so does in this situation or any other situation. comparing other people by offending is never a good idea. just like when we compare two rocks. they are rocks. yes. but are they in the same shape? no. just like us, we are different in all sort of ways either clearly be seen or vice versa. okay so now i am comparing you guys to a rock, because you guys' hearts are hard like a rock, you heartless bish sorry.
i know some of you will say "but s/he's a bad person. s/he deserves it." honey, no matter how bad mannered that person is, they don't deserve to be treated that way. nobody does. i always believe that we have to be nice to people even if they are not nice to you . (lame, i know.) but how can we make this world a better place if we keep hurting each other (physically, mentally or emotionally)? i know it's hard. but we are all still trying. nothing is easy right? people might not treat you as nice as you treat them, but hey? what do we have to lose? nothing. being good doesn't make us lose anything. in the end, we are a part of a good in the society at the very least. and that is very much needed these days.
all in all, it all worth a try. always be kind. of course you can compliment each other without offending people. or maybe we can just try to learn not to judge people.
"curvy girls are better than skinny girls."
curvy or not, you are still beautiful.
"you are beautiful if you don't have thigh gap."
do you have thigh gap? cool.
you don't have thigh gap? also cool.
"you are better than her. she is ugly."
you don't have to be better than her, you are you.
just be you, that's enough.
you have your own kind of beauty.
"have you seen yourself inside the mirror? at least she's skinny."
have you looked into the mirror?
that is one masterpiece that God has created.
"don't worry about it. she's stupid unlike you."
you think you are stupid?
my love, your intelligence shouldn't be measured by your grade.
also, we all have different things that we are all good at.
it is hard, i do realise that. but i am not telling you to change overnight. just try a little bit at a time. not drastically. hard as it may seem, you will see the good results by the end of it. and never, never ever forget to say sorry if you did something wrong. we all make mistake. we are all merely humans. that is it, i am hoping that i have opened your mind or at least make you realise something about this post and try to make a change. i do not mind if you do not agree with me but this is just my opinion and my thoughts that i decided to put it into words without offending other people. i would like to apologise if i hurt other people with my words or ever be mean to.
remember, the world that we are living in has already enough of unkind people in it. a little bit of good people in it surely wouldn't hurt as much as killing people :)
BE NICE, DEAR PEOPLE. BE NICE.
Sincerely,
L.
Labels: life, opinion, reflecting, thoughts
#30 - SPM IS OVER
written on Tuesday, December 8, 2015 @ 11:56 PM
okay so spm is over. now what?
to be honest, it is hard for me to fathom the fact that i have ended high school. whoa. time does fly, aye. thinking about the world outside school really gives me an eerie feeling. to think about it, i can barely handle the pressure in high school so how the *beep* am i going to handle the real world? but that is it. we have to face it, so then we can finally overcome our fear. am i right, or am i right? hahaha.
my spm ended on the 7th of December, which is a week later than the other students in my school. sucks, tell me about it. we had to learn that one particular subject throughout the whole week. we had no choice anyway. so i guess the last test went quite well? i don't even know because most of the time, my mind was filled with the thoughts of what am i going to do after the test, which is a lot of things. aaaaand i ended up doing nothing, just binge watching some youtube videos. what a life. i also have some books to read (when i said some, there are actually 8 books eagerly waiting to be read) yep. yep. i'm all about that books.
right after the test ended, my class teacher, along with my classmates and I went to have a somewhat picnic(?) i don't even know. what i do know is we had a lot of fun and food. food matters. being the 'normal' youth as we all are, we took tons of picture. so i'm just going to insert some of the pictures, if you excuse me.
i'm not going to upload all of the pictures though but yeah. most of us were squinting because it was too bright and sunny. protect your eyes (and skin), lads.
so now, i don't know what should i do. well, i want to find a job but i don't know where to start. well, being introvert and socially awkward simultaneously are not the best combination, i suppose. i'm just that bad in talking with people. like seriously. i stutter a lot. i have literally 1% self-confidence, or 2.5% if i'm lucky. other than that, meh. i really wish i can be a blogger as my profession. or fangirl. because that's what i do best, not interacting with people in real life.
i think that is it. i don't have anything to say. so long and good night *sings Helena by MCR* hahah good byeeeeeeeeee xx
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2015, favourite, friends, happiness, happy, life, school, thoughts
29. leaving high school.
written on Saturday, October 31, 2015 @ 10:31 PM
just a reminder. this might be a very lengthy post (and a very emosh one). you do not have to read it if you do not want to. but BRACE YOURSELF.
do you know that feeling when you're reading, that you don't want to end the book but you need and dying to know what the ending is? i feel the same way about leaving high school. i admit that there comes the time when i could not wait to leave high school and be free from all the tension and pressure. but now that i come towards the end of it, i realise that i actually do not want this to end. i do not want to leave high school. i am not yet ready to face the so-called real world. okay, think about it. we are going to leave the same routine that we have been doing for almost 11 years. i think i might have some kind of a love hate relationship with school. because, let's be real. leaving homeworks. BIG YES. leaving friends (or people). NONONONONOOOOO.
i think the reason i do not want to leave high school is mainly because i do not want to leave people. i fear of being forgotten and forgetting. i hate it when i forget people because i know what is it like to be forgotten. we have been building friendships and relationships for almost 5 years. the scariest bit of leaving high school is that you do not know if those people you have been together with for 5 years are going to stay or just be gone. are they the one, or the one that got away? that is why people say, the end is the beginning. once we end high school, we begin to know who has God sent to us to stay in our life and the ones who are not. the ones who matter to us the most might be not that kind of person to us anymore.
i would want to post this on my instagram but the caption would be a never-ending scroll. also, i would love to do an appreciation post to all of the people that mean the most to me but that would be impossible to do so. instead, i just do a blog post instead.
to those who i knew since kindergarten or primary school, or the ones who i knew since the beginning of high school, the ones who i used to love or hate or both, the ones who i just got close to this year, the ones who i just got to know (in the last two weeks of school) although we have been in the same school for 5 years or less than that, the ones who i fangirl with, the ones who share the same interest as mine but i just know about it in the last week of school (ugh sucks), the ones who i usually look from a distance and do not have the guts to talk to, to the teacher who is like my best friend now, the ones who used to be my friend to acquaintances to stranger (or vice versa), the ones who i do not talk to anymore but i used to be close (and might have some of my secrets), even to those who i barely talk to (or never have i ever) and not to forget to those who i exchange glances and smiles once in a while.
there are a lot of other people who i would like to mention but i would need an eternity to do so. i hope those people who read this know who they are without me mentioning their name. i just want you to know that all of you matter to me. no matter if you are still in my life or not. our path crossed with reasons. God has written the story of our lives without flaws. God has sent all of you into my life and God has sent me into your lives, with reasons. either as a lesson or a blessing.
this may be too cheesy or it does not even matter to you. some of you might gag reading this because let's be real, we will move on from this and probably another year from now, it would not matter to us any longer. but i just want to talk about it as long as it is still matter to me. i want to embrace it as long as it is still in my mind. because it has become a part of my life and i cannot not talk about it. this is the story that i am going to tell to my child later. this is the story of my life and i do not want to forget it. as worse as it can get, it is still the best memory that i have and i will take it with me in the pocket of my mind wherever i go.
it does feel good though, leaving high school. no more homeworks. no more studying stuffs that we are not eager to know. no more assembly. no more having to wake up early. but leaving high school also means, no more seeing your best friends five days a week or maybe more. no more screaming your teacher's name and wouldn't stop talking about how beautiful she can get each day, everyday. no more stupid inside jokes with your friend while the teacher is teaching. no more gossips. no more creeping and fangirling to your crush. no more hiding your classmates' stuffs. no more copying your friend's homework. no more horror story-telling by your teacher. no more EVERYTHING. and that is sad. talking about this just can make me hear my heart breaking louder and clearer than before.
to the teachers, i could not thank you enough for your supports. all the sacrifices yet we still wouldn't listen to all of you. sorry for being such a nuisance. thanks for being our best friends, sisters, brothers, and parents in school. without all of you, i wouldn't be where i am right now.
and to my english teachers and all of my other teachers,
this is for all of you. thank you for giving me support and inspire me to get better and do better each day.
to the 2015's alumnus of smkpg, i am glad that we were born in the same year. i am sorry for all of my wrongdoings, either vaguely done or not. i could not thank all of you enough for entering my life. even the little things matter. probably your smile had made my day before. i may not have given all of you a lot to remember. and i cannot promise you that i won't forget you because at some point in my life, i might will. and you might forget me as well. but i hope to God that i won't. just remember that, at some point in my life, you guys are the reason that i am still here.
to the juniors, please behave. create more memories because you are guiding your own story. it will be something that you will remember in the little side of your mind. do not burden the teachers. do not be mad at the teachers when they scold you because they won't be mad at you for nothing. they are doing what they are doing because that is what they are supposed to do. appreciate them. thank them. love them. be good. be kind. and for the drama people next year, you can do better without having to be trees to win ;)
all in all, good luck for spm and i believe in all of us. we can do this. may the best batch succeed.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2014, 2015, feelings, friends, happiness, life, memories, school, thoughts
27. 8 lessons that i've learnt
written on Saturday, July 11, 2015 @ 10:02 PM
hola guys. update time! whew. yes, i am updating my blog on a school night cause i was ever feeling so inspired hahaha. i have nothing better to do, i guess?
don't ask me why but i'm feeling like listing all of the lessons that i have learnt during my 17 years of living. well, probably not all though. maybe just some of the things that cross my mind.
first things first.
DO NOT MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE YOUR HAPPINESS.
DO NOT, EVER. do not put somebody else first before yourself. people will leave you eventually. doesn't matter if they leave you on purpose or not. you can never guarantee that people will stay forever. even if they will, death will do us apart. trust me, i have been there (not that somebody died). and that is the worst thing i have ever done. it is like the most self-destructive thing to do to yourself. always, always put God first. God will always be with you. His existence is permanent. do not give all you have to other people. not that you can give them anything at all, but probably just 50% or 80% of it. never 100%. never.
NOT EVERYONE WILL SEE YOUR EFFORT.
whenever you do something for other people, always do it with sincerity. not because you want them to appreciate your effort. because sometimes, if you do it for the sake of the attention of the wrong person, no matter how big your effort is, they won't see it. they will be blinded by other stuffs. but that doesn't mean you have to stop showing your efforts. just don't do it for the sake of attention or to be noticed.
YOUR PROBLEMS AREN'T SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM.
the thing is, yes, sometimes we feel like we want to pour our hearts out and tell our friends or boyfriend about our problems. well, what you really should know that not all of us want to know about your problems. because we all have our own. somehow we just need someone to listen to. just make sure that someone really cares. but don't rely on them because not all of us can help you. maybe we can be just the place for you to pour your heart out. not to fix your problems.
YOU WILL LOSE CERTAIN PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.
doesn't matter if it's your family or friends, it not not possible not to lose certain people in your life. they may promise you forever, but how long is forever if we can only live until only-God-knows-when? don't trust people who promise to love you forever. trust people who promise to love you until they don't anymore. it might sounds very scary but that's what i think is the truth. don't you?
YOU WILL CHANGE MULTIPLE TIMES
you will change multiple times through your life. but that's okay. doesn't matter if people can't accept you. if they can't accept you, what makes you think that they are the right ones in your life? it is your life. you may change into good or bad people. either way. doesn't matter how bad you will be, you won't be bad forever. because at some point in your life, you are going to realise that you have done a mistake. so what? change and be it. you are both of your good or dark side. you are your mistake. but how can we live without making a mistake?
YOU WILL END UP BEING THE PERSON YOU SAID YOU WON'T BE
you will. that's why we can't really judge people. because we will never know what awaits us in the future. people make mistake. so do we. the only difference is what our mistake is. we are all sinners but with different sins. don't hate people because they are a sinner. instead, hate the sin itself.
WE MAKE MISTAKE AND WE LEARN FROM IT
well maybe sometimes we make the same mistake over and over again until we realise that we are making a mistake. so what? learn from it. most of the times we will make mistake multiple times. so what we need to do is learn from it. and fix it. learn from what we have done wrong. sometimes we even realise that we are doing the same mistake and still do. but that's just how it goes. eventually, you will outgrow of it.
PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU NO MATTER WHAT
so do whatever you think is best for you. and be happy because you do. don't listen to what others think or say. they are not you. they don't have control over your life. you weren't born to please other people. you have to make yourself happy. because you are the one who is going to feel what you feel. you are the one who is going to face what you are going to face later on. so screw other people's judgement. you don't want to think about the thing you haven't done for the next 30 years or so because you were to afraid what people might think of you, right? doesn't matter if it didn't turn out well, at least you did it.
just a reminder; this is what I have learnt throughout my life. doesn't mean it's right though. just my opinion. idgaf if you do not agree with me.
CARPE LIBRUM,
L.
Labels: life, life lessons, opinion, thoughts
24. MASQUERADE.
written on Saturday, February 7, 2015 @ 9:35 PM
Stella stared at her laptop’s screen for about 2 minutes. She then hovered the cursor to the “Buy” button and clicked it without hesitation. She waited for the page to load. After making sure her purchase succeeded, she turned off the laptop and threw herself to bed. Her mind wandered off as always. The package will arrive tomorrow, at least that was what the seller guaranteed. She wondered if anybody has ever done the same. A thousand of questions popped up into her mind. ‘What if somebody knows?’ ‘Will it make a change?’ ‘Have I done the right thing?’ A few more questions came into her mind until a dream started to occur. She then fell soundly asleep.
The next day, Stella woke up to a soft knock on her door. “Uhh, come in,” she mumbled. A tall, beautiful, middle-aged lady came in to her room. “What is it, mum?” she questioned sleepily. Her mum then handed her a package and suddenly, she was wide awake. She snatched the package greedily, could not wait another minute to open it, but then she remembered that her mum was still in the room. “Do you mind, mum?” She gave a her the soft and sweet smile, the same one that Stella inherited from her mum, and walked out of the room. After making sure that her mum was not peeping, she opened the package. Not a while after that, a grey-coloured mask with a little touch of blue, exactly the same as she saw it online last night, appeared into her sight. She carefully took it out of the plastic, and began to wear it.
Keith’s eyes wandered off to the crowd. As always, he looked for the same thing, though he always got the same result. Instead, his eyes glued to his reflection in the glass. A light yellow-coloured mask, the same as everyone else’s in school. Everyone wore different coloured mask to show their personality. Red represents courageous, gold represents wealth, green represents well-being, and light yellow represents joyful. Each colour has their own representatives. Well, even colour has its dark sides. People in school rarely to be found in a grey or black mask because grey represents mentally ill, or depressed. Meanwhile black represents death.
He felt a pat on his shoulder, he turned around. He smiled instantly after he saw his friends. But his attention was attracted by a glimpse of a grey colour, which he rarely saw. His friend said something but he could not listen to any of it.
“Excuse me,” he said as he pushed a girl out of his way. But he failed to trail it. The grey colour went out of his sight. He let out a grunt of frustration. He turned around to his friend. “Dude, what’s happening?” He just ignored the question and rushed to his locker. As he was picking up his book, the bell rang. His friends started to approach him, but he quickly walked away from them and went straight off to Math class.
Keith could not pay his attention fully to the class. He kept thinking. Who was so brave to wear their emotion publicly? Even Keith did not have the guts to do the same. The same question has been inside his mind until lunch time. He knew that he should find that dauntless person. As soon as he stepped outside of the classroom, his eyes started to do as the brain told. To find the grey-coloured masked person.
Probably that day was his lucky day because he caught the person, a girl who wore the grey-coloured mask, walking past in front of him. He has the urge to stop the girl, but he decided to follow the girl instead. Keith let out a sigh of relief. His brain has already prepared a few question he was going to ask to that girl. He rehearsed it inside his head.
Without realising that the girl stopped walking in the middle of the way to cafeteria, Keith accidentally hit her. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you were there,” Keith apologised to her. “That’s alright, nobody does,” the girl looked into Keith’s eyes and smiled. He could feel a hit of sensation. The smile was so familiar to him, just like the one that usually did whenever he was with his friends.
“I’m sorry to ask this, but are you really depressed?” Keith realised that he should not really ask that. He was ready to take his word back when he saw the girl’s expression went puzzled. “Why do you ask?” the girl then questioned him. Keith looked around to make sure his friends were not anywhere closer than them. He grabbed the girl’s hand and led her to the library because that was the closest he could get. They went to the back shelves.
After Keith assured that nobody was eavesdropping, he glared at the girl for a while. He then took off the light yellow-coloured mask, revealing the same kind of mask as the girl wore. A grey with a little touch of blue-coloured mask. The girl gasped as if she was taking her last breath that she could get into her lungs. “I know, I have been hiding this for so long. Please don’t tell this to anyone. This is a secret between us,” he uttered under his breath. The girl was still speechless. She shook her head, “But you don’t know me. How can you trust me?”
Keith began to tremble, he was on the verge of breaking down. He realised that he has made a perilous step. Suddenly, he felt a soft touch on his shoulder, “Hey, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me.” The girl handed out a tissue to him. “I’m Stella by the way.” she stated. Keith exhaled, picking back up the courage to talk without stuttering, “Keith.” he faked a smile.
Stella recalled the situation that happened two weeks before, during lunch at school. She looked at the mirror and examined every part of her face. She has a really clear and glowing face. But she did not know what beautiful really looked like. Because she has never seen an unmasked person all her life. She was not born with a mask. She was always been the odd one in the family and hated it. People always gave her the skeptical look like she was an outcast. She gazed at the mask that she bought the night before the incident happened. She thought it was a splendid idea so she could fit in with others. She chose grey, not like she suffered depression or anything. Probably because she has been longing for the attention since she was little. Her vision has been playing the same thing all over again. When Keith started to reveal his true colour.
As she came out from the school by the next day, she could see Keith was waiting for her. After the incident, Keith wore his true colour to school. Ever since the day he started to wear it, his friends would not come any nearer. Stella felt the guilt started to grow bigger each day. Keith gave her the same smile everyday as she approached him. “So where are we going?” Stella asked. Everybody was giving them the unpleasant look.
“Why don’t we go to the old building?” Stella agreed, could not wait any longer with the stares that they received. The sky began to show the sign that it was going to rain. The sun started to hide behind the clouds. Not a while after that, a few droplets started to fall and began to drizzle. They walked swiftly and finally managed to get to the building before the rain started to pour heavily.
The tapping sound occurred from the rain echoed throughout the angle of the building. She took a glance at Keith who was looking at her. “What?” questioned Stella who was shivering. “Nothing, it’s just...” Keith shook his head, letting the beads of water spat from his hair. “I feel like I’m fading. Like,” “What do you mean?” Stella asked before Keith could continue.
“I don’t know, lately my depression has become worse. I couldn’t eat for days. I feel numb throughout the night. I couldn’t sleep. I feel like I shouldn’t wear my true colour in the first place,” Keith started to sob. “With all of my friends started to avoid me. It’s not like having a mental disorder is what I wanted.” As always, Stella couldn’t find words to comfort Keith. She was always bad at this. She has no idea how to make Keith feels better because she wasn’t depressed. She did not know what having a depression felt like. All she could do right now was holding Keith the same way her mum held her when she was little, when people were teasing her for not having a mask.
“Keith, you are strong. Ever since the first day I saw you smiled in that grey mask. You are brave, Keith. You have shown to your friends who you really are.” as Stella was saying this, she could feel that her mask was slipping.
The moment Keith started to move, she began to panic. As Keith looked her in the eyes, the mask fell. Her heart pounded so loudly, she could even hear it. Her true self has been revealed. Needless to say, the reaction that she got from Keith. Keith’s eyes were widely opened as though it could fall out of his head. Keith uttered out of disbelief but she could not hear it because of the sound of the rain hitting the roof. “Wha-? After all this time? You have been hiding under that mask?” Stella tried to reach him but he moved away from her. “I’m sorry, Keith. I’m sorry. I have never had a mask. I’m sorry... I,” “BUT YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN OTHER MASK. WHY BLUE? Why? Why depression?” Keith interrupted in the middle of her explanation.
“because... because I have been longing to become in the centre of attention. I just want people to feel sorry for me.” exclaimed Stella, trying to fight the sound of thunder. Stella could see the hurt in Keith face. “Do you think by living in depression, in any mental illness, people will feel sorry for you? They won’t. Haven’t you see the disgust in people’s faces when they saw us? Mental illness is like a curse. People won’t treat us the same as they treat people who suffer cancer. All they would say is ‘Get over it. It’s just depression. What could be worse than that?’ EVERYTHING.” Keith screamed out the truth.
“You feel like you are trapped in your own mind, your own body. Nowhere to escape, nowhere to bound. Whenever you try to recover, you will always relapse. Just like a rubber band. No matter how far you go, or how far you stretch, you will get back to the same place. It will get you nowhere.” Keith sobbed. His face was wet from the mix of tears and raindrops.
Nobody has ever tell the truth to her. She was being selfish. She could see the disgust in Keith’s face. “I’m sorry, Keith,” she tried to apologise but the words seemed to stuck in her throat. Abruptly, Keith fell onto his knees. His mask has turned to black. Stella felt a stab of knife went through her heart. I killed him, she thought. Stella rushed to him and tried to reach him, but he has become a wisp of air. Stella body started to filled with fear. Fear of losing Keith. Two weeks felt like two decades. Like they have known for ever.
“Don’t wear that mask, Stella. You’re beautiful.”
Keith has blended in with the wall. Just a blink of an eye, he was gone. The only thing left was his mask.“KEITH!” Stella cried. She screamed with all her heart. She knelt down to the floor and sobbed. Stella laid on the ground, she cried and cried and cried until her eyes could not produce tears any longer. Her clothes was soaked with water from the puddle. Not sure whether from the rain or her tears.
She knew it all along that Keith’s mask was slowly turning into dark grey. She realised it, but she chose to ignore it. She was just a narcissist. If only she could rewind the time, but that was the problem. She could not. You cannot change the nature. But maybe the nature could change her.
Stella got off the ground and took the masks. She started to walk slowly to Keith house. She left his mask at the front door. The only thing that she could hear was the last thing ever that Keith has said to her. Her steps stopped when she saw her reflection in the puddle. She took a last glance at her mask. I don’t need a masquerade any longer, she whispered as she threw the mask. She knew that she has to be what she was born as. She did not need a mask because that was her true self. So what if she is not like the others? She was not an outcast. Unique, that was what she meant to be. Ever since that day, she confidently walked through the crowd, unmasked.
HEY GUYS. so yeah. i know i've promised you the short fanfic but i just couldn't get it done. and i started a new short story instead lol so yeah the mask thing is kinda new to me hahaha also i feel like this one is shorter than usual. i hope you like it. and apologies to all the error. heheheh. love you. thanks for reading. x
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credits to WeHeartIt. horribly edited by me.
Labels: life, my writings, short stories
23. Poetry #1
written on Tuesday, February 3, 2015 @ 10:13 PM
little do you know, how i'm breaking while you fall asleep?
i am wide awake, staring at the ceiling, burning holes through them. my eyes linger closely on the cracks while i hear my heart is slowly breaking, close to crushing, to crying. as the breaking does its job, the numb feeling that i feel in my skin slowly increases.
little do you know, i'm still haunted by the memories?
in my mind, those memories we have created together wouldn't stop telling me that i miss you like hell has been opened again. but the voices in my head, oh how they sound like you, paraphrasing the last word you ever said to me, giving the chills down my spine, the same feeling that i got when i first heard it. it's echoing in every parts of me.
little do you know, i'm trying to pick myself up, piece by piece?
from the heart, now i can feel it starts to breaking in my bones, in my skins, in every places that your hands have ever been. i'm screaming so loud, yelling “HELP ME, I'M SHATTERING,” so very loud, but you still can't hear me. because your screaming voice in mine has overshadowed my own.
i loved you but you break me
—
little do you know, i know you're hurt while i'm sound asleep?
i saw your crying face, flashing in my vision every time i close my eyes. the uneasiness and the guilts are conquering me inside and out. and now i can feel the cut is getting deeper each time i try to move. it almost feel like a stab.
little do you know, all my mistakes are slowly drowning me?
i have made you cry for me, even bleed for me. and all the tears and blood are because of me. now they have created a sea inside, slowly but surely is raising up. i can barely breathe. so i gasped. motionlessly sinking at the bottom of my own fault.
little do you know, i'm trying to make it better, piece by piece?
have you not yet realise that i'm saving you? you could've died if you stayed longer. now i'm putting back together the broken pieces of you. i'm filled with the cuts, i deserve it. despite of what have i done, the cuts aren't enough. my love, please don't come near me. so then i'll be missing you, so i can slowly die for what i did to you.
i loved you so i break you
helloooooooo guysssss. hehehe. i haven't post quite awhile (at least for me). sorry, but i've been quite busy. furthermore, i don't know what should i post. i wanted to do a january favourite but idk what mine was hahaha (i'll try to recall). ALSO, i can't assure you when will i post the short fanfiction because i havn't continued writing it yet. i already have the idea for the ending. i just really need to work for it. so in the meantime, i create a poem which i rarely do. so if i have any error, please forgive me. this poem is inspired by a song, Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra. i know it's like freaking LONG, but bear with me :p i hope you like it ♥
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, my writings, poem, poetry, song, writings
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57. hey insecurities
written on Sunday, March 20, 2016 @ 4:42 PM ✈
hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?
actually, i don't really have the main topic for this post. but i do have some ideas of what i will be talking about. the thing is, i just don't know where to begin with. but maybe, that's what. it's not about something to begin with, but it's about something to end with.
i don't know if this is one of my insecurities or what (yes, i do have plenty of insecurities besides my appearances. but i mean, don't we all?). i want to point out about my clingyness (<-- is this a proper english word? whatever). is this something to be insecured about? is this a flaw? i don't know.
i am this kind of person that will be clingy towards you when i am comfortable with you. but i don't mean like a normal clingy, but i will spam you with my texts. i want to spend my time 24/7 with you and get annoyed or mad or sad when i don't, and you have to do the same. basically, i will never let you out of my sight when i have reached to that one level of being comfortable with certain people. do you get what i mean?
i used to be fine with myself being clingy. not until someone told me that i need to stop because i am being annoying. and i guess, that has left me scarred and scared for life. my mind will be forever scarred that i am annoying for being clingy. and i will be forever scared to be attached to someone because i'm scared that i will annoy the fuck out of them with this clingyness.
i didn't realise it until yesterday. that my clingyness is one of my insecurities. and i hated myself for being in such ways. i tweeted about it and one of my favourite people replied and said that maybe that person is not the right person for me to cling on. and that really opened up my mind. she is right.
that person didn't even deserve my attention. not even my love, yet i still loved him. thank God i have kicked him out of my life. he was like my biggest lesson in life. he didn't even treat me well. why the hell was i with him? ugh. but whatever it is, i have moved on. it just that i have a few moment in my life where i will think about my past, especially the bad ones. just for self-reflection. so that i will never repeat the same mistake again.
so, lessons learned, kids. remember that always careful about something that you gotta say about someone. it might be one of their insecurities. and for you to point that out to them, will be the biggest nightmare and will scar them for life. just remember that our insecurities doesn't revolve around our physical appearances only.
and another lesson from this post is, if that person don't treat you well and ignore you, just leave them. they are not worth any attention to you. get you a person who can treat you like a normal human being. that can accept you and learn how to deal with your flaws. don't let them tell you what to do. just be you. if that person can't accept you for being yourself, then what are you waiting for? cause someone out there could love you more. (okay, to be fair, that was troye sivan's lyrics from lost boy but screw it. i like the lyrics and it speaks the truth.)
any way, if you don't feel loved when you are around someone that you love, then just walk away. you are loved. i promise you. but not by them. okay?
i think that's for it now. i don't have anything else to say. i miss writing so much. i do have a lot of things to talk about. i just don't know how to put it into proper words and it is just to much that i don't know where on earth should i begin. i'll try to post as often as i could since i haven't started my school yet. so yeaaahhh. gotta gowww.
guddbai guddbai,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, reflecting, thoughts
55. 18 things I learned in life
written on Sunday, February 21, 2016 @ 11:17 PM ✈
hey look, it foetus me~~~
apparently, 18 years ago from today, i was born. aha. yep. today is my birthday. weirdly i like my birth date because i found it quite hard to find somebody with a same birth date as mine. so, i think that maybe i should write a short post. mediocre short post. i cannot guarantee anything about how long this post gonna be. well then, i better start it right now.
so, here you go. 18 things i learned in life;
1. if someone doesn't appreciate you or treat you like you deserve to be treated, they are not worth the hurt, the pain and the heartbreak.
2. you make mistake because you are a human. it is normal for human to err.
3. make sure when you decided to walk out of someone's life, do not turn back around.
4. love your parents. they may not understand you all the time, but they will always be there to love you.
5. if someone say that they want you, be sure that they show it. not just say it.
6. don't let your past define who you are now.
7. if your best friend doesn't like your partner, there must be something wrong. you see what you want to see; and that will cover up all the flaws.
8. true friends will accept for who you are and never will judge you by your past.
9. friends fight, that's that. but true friends will always come back.
10. not everyone wants to hear about your problem, let alone care about it. try not to someone solve your problem for you. just let them be just the listener.
11. try to do new things. step out of your comfort zone. that's how you find yourself.
12. if you want something, work for it. people aren't born talented, honey. they work for it.
13. sometimes, even though you do your best, it is still not enough for someone else. so take the matters of your own hand. do not depend on someone else too much.
14. when you are promised or convinced with something, always expect for the least. it is hard to find someone who keep their promises.
15. do not let someone else be your happiness, they will always break it.
16. people's definitions of beautiful are different. if they tell you that you are ugly, someone else might see you like you are the most beautiful thing in the world.
17. people often sugarcoat things. so do not rely on the bright side. be prepared for the bitter.
18. it's quite flattering for someone to have a crush on you. but remember, being somebody's crush means that they like you for what they see. go for someone who has seen all the sides of you, and still want you for who you are.
god, that is all. i feel like there's a lot of other things that i want to point out but i have limited into 18. this is just what i learned. doesn't mean i'm right though. this is just how i feel. i haven't been living for a long time. i still do have something more to learn about. toodles~
Happy Birthday?
L.
Labels: 2016, life, life lessons, opinion, ramble, reflecting
43. after midnight's thoughts
written on Tuesday, January 19, 2016 @ 1:38 AM ✈
SPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY NOT WORTH READING.
first off, i actually forgotten that i was supposed to update a blog post yesterday. as i am writing this, i am 52 minutes forward from yesterday. i am in da futureeeeee (and also the past by the time some of you read this). okay calm down. so basically this is me, updating a blog post 7 minutes to 1 in the morning. crazy, i'nit? no. not really. fair warning: this blog post is going to be super random as you are aware of the title. after midnight's thoughts. you all know what happen in your mind right when the clock struck 12 in the midnight. everything that you are thinking become deep. so deep, adele couldn't even roll it.
nowadays, i barely think about my past. because nothing good ever lived there. the darkness of my past was like some kind of a blob of a black paint on my life canvas somewhere. we all have the darkness in us, haven't we? so, all i am thinking right now is the present and sometimes the future which terrifies me, a LOT. the thought of turning 18 is scary. i am going to have to be a responsible adult in mostly everything that i do. and i am sitting here, wondering how to adult. i can barely speak in front of people without stuttering, so how the hell am i going to pay all the bills by myself? *shudders*
to think about it, exactly last year, i was not as happy as i am these days. i was at the unhappiest moments in my life. i am really grateful that i have finally moved on from that dark side of me. all i can hope was that for that darkness not to haunt me again. because i am already perfectly fine in my own. the most important thing is for me to stop myself from overthinking. doesn't matter if it is about the past or the future. just focus on the present. because thinking about future really makes me anxious which is not a good thing.
also, maybe if i try to tell myself frequently to stop caring about what others might think or feel about me so much, then maybe i have finally reached to another level of happiness. aha. boo hoo, people. say watcha gotta say. me don't care. mmm watcha sayyy~
midnight really makes my mind work really good. the way i write is probably different than usual, i guess. it is funny to think that i got an award for the best student in English (English only cause I suck in other subjects). because the truth is, i probably know only 5%-15% of words in English language. because the truth is we will never gain enough knowledge in our lifetime. that's why we will never stop learning. academically or theoretically. and the most mind blowing thing is that to compare ourselves with the the whole universe, we are just a speck of dust. yet we still matter in this world. without you and i, there are probably somebody else who wouldn't be or feel complete in their life. how Great is God. and how exquisite His creations are. beyond amazing.
told you, this entry will be way too deep. it's weird, right? how our minds do that. why do we thought about the most unquestionable things during the midnight? is it the surroundings? or is it the loneliness that we feel? okay, the more i think about. the weirder it feels for me. so maybe i'll just go off to bed, really. i have a really bad sleeping patterns these days, everyday this year. so let's just pray that liyana will be able to sort out her sleeping schedules so that she will feel as normal because that is how the human nature works. (that doesn't mean being different is not good, but having a not normal sleeping schedule is not to be proud of because you have different sleeping time with others. that is not different, that is just unhealthy.)
somebody really needs to get me off from here. the longer i stay, the weirder this post has become.
So Long and Good Night,
L.
okay i swear this is the last one but did someone sing to Helena by MCR when reading that? cause i do. ok guddbai guddbai
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, thoughts
41. back-to-school advice
written on Thursday, January 14, 2016 @ 11:17 PM ✈
waddup? i'm back. i'm back. i am back with my so-called back to school advice(s). not to say that i am expert at this or what but this is based on what i learned during my whole life at school. but mind you that it might be going to be some kind of like high school's advices because i have to say that i cannot even remember what happened during my primary school hahaha. i need to fix my memories like seriously.
okay. i know all of you hate school to death that you wish you could burn the school down so you won't have to be attending it any longer. trust me, i felt the same way when i was in your place. we do all agree that school is tiring and all but when you have ended high school, you would want to go back to school. however, not because we miss homeworks or whatever that is related to studying. instead, we just miss being with our friends and having to meet them five times a week or even more. but when you have ended high school, you probably might not even get to see some of your friends because they are too busy to prepare for the real world.
okay, so here are some few advices that i could give to you. but that doesn't mean that i am saying that i am right. (but i am neither wrong). we are just entitled to our own opinion so...
1. when it comes to friend, you have to know and understand it really well that your friend that you have been sitting together with since the first year of school, won't be there standing by your side when you are graduating. but don't get me wrong. i am not saying all of you will be experiencing the same thing. but people come and people go. so you can't expect them to stay the same place where they are when they were at the beginning.
especially. ESPECIALLY. when you are entering the real high school, i.e, when you are entering the Fourth Form, which i had to say was the toughest year i ever been through during the whole high school year. that is when the whole things change. you probably won't be in the same class with your 'best friend forever' any longer. but not to worry because some of them that i know used to be friends with since day one, still be friends even though they are not in the same class any more. it just depends on how things work around you. if it is meant to be, it will be. and all you need to do is be prepared. don't be afraid to make a new friends. you might even want to start it now.
2. okay, i know most of you are starting to get into relationship during the high school year. at least that is what i am aware of. but you have to remember that your school years are going to be the year for you to be experimenting on this whole relationship thing. but you don't have to worry. it's not like you are pressured to be in a relationship or something. but what i do know is, no matter what. if that person is not treating you well, don't be afraid to leave that relationship to an end. it won't be the end of the world. you don't have to be in a relationship where you will have to think that you are not worth it. most of the nice people always went for the bad people to date with. you know why? i quote here from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, we accept the love we think we deserve. always know that, if someone that you are dating with is treating you badly, never think that you don't deserve him. instead, they are the ones who don't deserve you. be with the one who brings out the best in you.
however, it is just the beginning. because by the end of the school year it will all be a cringe-worthy story that you will remember any time. it will be a part of your history and that is how you learn to appreciate yourself and how to treat yourself better than other people do. and most importantly, do not be in a relationship with someone that you are forced into. it will never be a pretty ending to that. and mostly, it is totally not worth it. hey, this doesn't mean that you HAVE and MUST be in a relationship during high school. this is all just beginning. you will never know who will be waiting for you (and praying to God everyday) in the outside world.
3. i am blessed and grateful that during most of time in high school, i had the best teacher i could ever ask for. they are not just a teacher. they are like our mums and dads, sisters and brothers, and even best friends to me and my classmates. just remember that your teachers had sacrificed a lot of thing. despite the fact that some of them might have their kids waiting for them at home, they are still there ready to teach you. so, don't easily throw a hate on them when they are being angry or mad at you or something. they are mad at you probably because you did something wrong. so, never despise them just because they are being mad at you WITH a reason. unless, they are being mad all the time at you without a reason. then, there might be a problem on that.
4. as i said earlier, school years are the year where you are experimenting on stuffs. and for me, those were the years where i was trying to find myself. well, i guess i thought it was. because when you are in teenage years, you are mostly confused with yourself. because you are in the year where you just outgrow from your childhood and starting to be prepared with the adulthood which is pretty darn scary. and this is the stage where some of you will make some mistakes, big or small. and fear not, my friend. that is how you will learn. i mean it will always go back to the person itself. either they are going to learn from it or they are going to make the same mistake over and over because they thought that is just who they are. my advice is do not afraid to make mistake because at some point it is human for us to err.
but always remember that not all people will be facing the same thing at the same time. some might learn after they have ended the school and some might not. so whatever it is, we just need to be prepared for what is coming and just be strong and learn how to deal with it. mistakes that we did in the past don't define who we are in the future. all we need to do is just fix what we did wrong if possible or try to become better person than who we were yesterday.
5. don't be afraid to be yourself. because you are who you are and nobody is going to say that you are not. screw what other people say about you for doing thing that you love as long as it is not wrong to do it. people might throw some bad words and you and stuff, but never let it get you down. honey, you are standing at the main stage and those people who are throwing things at you are not in the same place where you are. if they are saying bad stuffs about you, they are most likely to be intimidated by you. so, stand tall. chin up. you are you and embrace it.
most important thing is to have fun. because you know what? most of the grown adults out there are dying to be in your place. yeah, yeah. i understand that waking up early is tiring and doing homework feels like it is a nuisance but there is a lot of other thing to be happy about. think about it, by the time you have ended your school year, you will be regretting those times that you have spent being sad over nothing instead of having fun with your friends that you might not see it again. if you have ever been given a choice to bawl your eyes out over your stupid boyfriend who never appreciates you or hanging out with your friends, choose to be happy. ALWAYS choose to be happy. because you will never know when will be the time you will be at your happiest again. at least when you are in your down moments, you still have something that can make you smile about.
6. i am not a bright student let alone the number one student in my school. i am just appear to be a fast learner at some things (mostly when it comes to things that are related to right-brain stuffs). but here are some advice about studying. first and foremost, never, ever ever ever ever ever choose the stream (for the fourth form) that you do not like. if you hate science, DO NOT EVER step in the science stream class even if your teacher forces you to be in it. you know yourself better. not your teacher. because in the end, it will just demotivate you in the end. just like me and additional mathematics. this is the only forced relationship that i have ever been into in my lifetime. i have to study the subject that i hate and i ended up not paying attention in most of my classes. lesson's learned. i am never going back to that dark alley again. ugh.
another tips that i can give you is to know what type of learners you are. some people are visual learners, auditory or kinaesthetics. and as for me, i am an auditory learner and the most unfortunate thing is i discovered about it in my fifth form. yikes. all of those times that i have spent studying went down to the trash because i didn't even remember a thing that i read. so i suggest you to google about it first because trust me, i am no expert at this.
all i know about visual learners are they can spend hours studying. and they usually use colours to make them remember better. they will take notes during classes and they usually read to remember stuffs.
i don't really know much about kinaesthetics but as far as i know is they can't stand hours long of studying but most of them appear to be smart. they will remember stuff quickly by doing experiments and exercises.
and as for the auditory learners like me, i was NEEDED to pay attention while in the class but i am not good at paying attention because my mind usually wandered of somewhere and i sometimes appear to be late at picking up things. i usually ended up laughing at a joke 15 seconds after people laugh. yep. but i find the solution to it as i almost ended my high school. as i am the big fan of youtube and the big hater of additional mathematics, one night i decided to search for a video that can learn with. and fortunately, there is this lovely human being that covers all of the topics. i could never be more thankful. i was starting to know some of things rather than have zero knowledge like i used to. so i suggest all of you, auditory learners to study on youtube. the channel is: Y=mx+c. good luck and have fun studying.
i guess that was all that i had to say. i guess. welp, i sure did learn a lot in high school. there might be more but i couldn't think of all of them. i am human. hahaha. also, mind you that all of these advices are based on my experience in high school. but yeah, i hope it helps to some of you. the next post will be my first #fangirlfriday which i am most excited about. hurrah to me lol. so, good luck with your life. and STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS. STAY IN SCHOOL. aa guddbai.
also, i just received the news of alan rickman's death while i'm writing the post. still, we will ALWAYS remember you, professor snape *raises wand*
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: life, life lessons, school, thoughts
#38 - dear people
written on Tuesday, December 22, 2015 @ 5:41 PM ✈
dear people in the world,
i know all of you are, indeed, a very nice person. you feel obligated to make other people feel good about themselves. so, just like how we usually do, we compliment each other. but there is one thing that bugs me A LOT. i mean there is nothing wrong if you want to compliment each other. but there are WAYS to do it. and one of them is...
DO NOT BRING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL BETTER.
for an example;
"curvy girls are better than skinny girls."
"you are beautiful if you don't have thigh gap."
"you are better than her. she is ugly."
"have you seen yourself inside the mirror? at least she's skinny."
"don't worry about it. she's stupid unlike you."
?????????
um, i mean... how does that can make other people feel better? probably, there sure are people actually do but not to me at least. why do you think it is appropriate for you to offend people to make other people feel good about themselves? not to say that i am such an angel. in fact, i, too, sometimes probably do that. guess what? i am flawed. but i have been trying to teach myself to keep the bad only to myself.
i know you do not mean it that way. we do not usually realise that some things that we have said can be hurtful towards others. that is why, it is crucial for us to think before saying something. because most of the times, everything sounds better in our head before we say it out loud.
it is just the same when your parents compare you to other kids. except of course, that is less obvious. most of you hate that, yes? so does in this situation or any other situation. comparing other people by offending is never a good idea. just like when we compare two rocks. they are rocks. yes. but are they in the same shape? no. just like us, we are different in all sort of ways either clearly be seen or vice versa. okay so now i am comparing you guys to a rock, because you guys' hearts are hard like a rock, you heartless bish sorry.
i know some of you will say "but s/he's a bad person. s/he deserves it." honey, no matter how bad mannered that person is, they don't deserve to be treated that way. nobody does. i always believe that we have to be nice to people even if they are not nice to you . (lame, i know.) but how can we make this world a better place if we keep hurting each other (physically, mentally or emotionally)? i know it's hard. but we are all still trying. nothing is easy right? people might not treat you as nice as you treat them, but hey? what do we have to lose? nothing. being good doesn't make us lose anything. in the end, we are a part of a good in the society at the very least. and that is very much needed these days.
all in all, it all worth a try. always be kind. of course you can compliment each other without offending people. or maybe we can just try to learn not to judge people.
"curvy girls are better than skinny girls."
curvy or not, you are still beautiful.
"you are beautiful if you don't have thigh gap."
do you have thigh gap? cool.
you don't have thigh gap? also cool.
"you are better than her. she is ugly."
you don't have to be better than her, you are you.
just be you, that's enough.
you have your own kind of beauty.
"have you seen yourself inside the mirror? at least she's skinny."
have you looked into the mirror?
that is one masterpiece that God has created.
"don't worry about it. she's stupid unlike you."
you think you are stupid?
my love, your intelligence shouldn't be measured by your grade.
also, we all have different things that we are all good at.
it is hard, i do realise that. but i am not telling you to change overnight. just try a little bit at a time. not drastically. hard as it may seem, you will see the good results by the end of it. and never, never ever forget to say sorry if you did something wrong. we all make mistake. we are all merely humans. that is it, i am hoping that i have opened your mind or at least make you realise something about this post and try to make a change. i do not mind if you do not agree with me but this is just my opinion and my thoughts that i decided to put it into words without offending other people. i would like to apologise if i hurt other people with my words or ever be mean to.
remember, the world that we are living in has already enough of unkind people in it. a little bit of good people in it surely wouldn't hurt as much as killing people :)
BE NICE, DEAR PEOPLE. BE NICE.
Sincerely,
L.
Labels: life, opinion, reflecting, thoughts
#30 - SPM IS OVER
written on Tuesday, December 8, 2015 @ 11:56 PM ✈
okay so spm is over. now what?
to be honest, it is hard for me to fathom the fact that i have ended high school. whoa. time does fly, aye. thinking about the world outside school really gives me an eerie feeling. to think about it, i can barely handle the pressure in high school so how the *beep* am i going to handle the real world? but that is it. we have to face it, so then we can finally overcome our fear. am i right, or am i right? hahaha.
my spm ended on the 7th of December, which is a week later than the other students in my school. sucks, tell me about it. we had to learn that one particular subject throughout the whole week. we had no choice anyway. so i guess the last test went quite well? i don't even know because most of the time, my mind was filled with the thoughts of what am i going to do after the test, which is a lot of things. aaaaand i ended up doing nothing, just binge watching some youtube videos. what a life. i also have some books to read (when i said some, there are actually 8 books eagerly waiting to be read) yep. yep. i'm all about that books.
right after the test ended, my class teacher, along with my classmates and I went to have a somewhat picnic(?) i don't even know. what i do know is we had a lot of fun and food. food matters. being the 'normal' youth as we all are, we took tons of picture. so i'm just going to insert some of the pictures, if you excuse me.
i'm not going to upload all of the pictures though but yeah. most of us were squinting because it was too bright and sunny. protect your eyes (and skin), lads.
so now, i don't know what should i do. well, i want to find a job but i don't know where to start. well, being introvert and socially awkward simultaneously are not the best combination, i suppose. i'm just that bad in talking with people. like seriously. i stutter a lot. i have literally 1% self-confidence, or 2.5% if i'm lucky. other than that, meh. i really wish i can be a blogger as my profession. or fangirl. because that's what i do best, not interacting with people in real life.
i think that is it. i don't have anything to say. so long and good night *sings Helena by MCR* hahah good byeeeeeeeeee xx
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2015, favourite, friends, happiness, happy, life, school, thoughts
29. leaving high school.
written on Saturday, October 31, 2015 @ 10:31 PM ✈
just a reminder. this might be a very lengthy post (and a very emosh one). you do not have to read it if you do not want to. but BRACE YOURSELF.
do you know that feeling when you're reading, that you don't want to end the book but you need and dying to know what the ending is? i feel the same way about leaving high school. i admit that there comes the time when i could not wait to leave high school and be free from all the tension and pressure. but now that i come towards the end of it, i realise that i actually do not want this to end. i do not want to leave high school. i am not yet ready to face the so-called real world. okay, think about it. we are going to leave the same routine that we have been doing for almost 11 years. i think i might have some kind of a love hate relationship with school. because, let's be real. leaving homeworks. BIG YES. leaving friends (or people). NONONONONOOOOO.
i think the reason i do not want to leave high school is mainly because i do not want to leave people. i fear of being forgotten and forgetting. i hate it when i forget people because i know what is it like to be forgotten. we have been building friendships and relationships for almost 5 years. the scariest bit of leaving high school is that you do not know if those people you have been together with for 5 years are going to stay or just be gone. are they the one, or the one that got away? that is why people say, the end is the beginning. once we end high school, we begin to know who has God sent to us to stay in our life and the ones who are not. the ones who matter to us the most might be not that kind of person to us anymore.
i would want to post this on my instagram but the caption would be a never-ending scroll. also, i would love to do an appreciation post to all of the people that mean the most to me but that would be impossible to do so. instead, i just do a blog post instead.
to those who i knew since kindergarten or primary school, or the ones who i knew since the beginning of high school, the ones who i used to love or hate or both, the ones who i just got close to this year, the ones who i just got to know (in the last two weeks of school) although we have been in the same school for 5 years or less than that, the ones who i fangirl with, the ones who share the same interest as mine but i just know about it in the last week of school (ugh sucks), the ones who i usually look from a distance and do not have the guts to talk to, to the teacher who is like my best friend now, the ones who used to be my friend to acquaintances to stranger (or vice versa), the ones who i do not talk to anymore but i used to be close (and might have some of my secrets), even to those who i barely talk to (or never have i ever) and not to forget to those who i exchange glances and smiles once in a while.
there are a lot of other people who i would like to mention but i would need an eternity to do so. i hope those people who read this know who they are without me mentioning their name. i just want you to know that all of you matter to me. no matter if you are still in my life or not. our path crossed with reasons. God has written the story of our lives without flaws. God has sent all of you into my life and God has sent me into your lives, with reasons. either as a lesson or a blessing.
this may be too cheesy or it does not even matter to you. some of you might gag reading this because let's be real, we will move on from this and probably another year from now, it would not matter to us any longer. but i just want to talk about it as long as it is still matter to me. i want to embrace it as long as it is still in my mind. because it has become a part of my life and i cannot not talk about it. this is the story that i am going to tell to my child later. this is the story of my life and i do not want to forget it. as worse as it can get, it is still the best memory that i have and i will take it with me in the pocket of my mind wherever i go.
it does feel good though, leaving high school. no more homeworks. no more studying stuffs that we are not eager to know. no more assembly. no more having to wake up early. but leaving high school also means, no more seeing your best friends five days a week or maybe more. no more screaming your teacher's name and wouldn't stop talking about how beautiful she can get each day, everyday. no more stupid inside jokes with your friend while the teacher is teaching. no more gossips. no more creeping and fangirling to your crush. no more hiding your classmates' stuffs. no more copying your friend's homework. no more horror story-telling by your teacher. no more EVERYTHING. and that is sad. talking about this just can make me hear my heart breaking louder and clearer than before.
to the teachers, i could not thank you enough for your supports. all the sacrifices yet we still wouldn't listen to all of you. sorry for being such a nuisance. thanks for being our best friends, sisters, brothers, and parents in school. without all of you, i wouldn't be where i am right now.
and to my english teachers and all of my other teachers,
this is for all of you. thank you for giving me support and inspire me to get better and do better each day.
to the 2015's alumnus of smkpg, i am glad that we were born in the same year. i am sorry for all of my wrongdoings, either vaguely done or not. i could not thank all of you enough for entering my life. even the little things matter. probably your smile had made my day before. i may not have given all of you a lot to remember. and i cannot promise you that i won't forget you because at some point in my life, i might will. and you might forget me as well. but i hope to God that i won't. just remember that, at some point in my life, you guys are the reason that i am still here.
to the juniors, please behave. create more memories because you are guiding your own story. it will be something that you will remember in the little side of your mind. do not burden the teachers. do not be mad at the teachers when they scold you because they won't be mad at you for nothing. they are doing what they are doing because that is what they are supposed to do. appreciate them. thank them. love them. be good. be kind. and for the drama people next year, you can do better without having to be trees to win ;)
all in all, good luck for spm and i believe in all of us. we can do this. may the best batch succeed.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2014, 2015, feelings, friends, happiness, life, memories, school, thoughts
27. 8 lessons that i've learnt
written on Saturday, July 11, 2015 @ 10:02 PM ✈
hola guys. update time! whew. yes, i am updating my blog on a school night cause i was ever feeling so inspired hahaha. i have nothing better to do, i guess?
don't ask me why but i'm feeling like listing all of the lessons that i have learnt during my 17 years of living. well, probably not all though. maybe just some of the things that cross my mind.
first things first.
DO NOT MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE YOUR HAPPINESS.
DO NOT, EVER. do not put somebody else first before yourself. people will leave you eventually. doesn't matter if they leave you on purpose or not. you can never guarantee that people will stay forever. even if they will, death will do us apart. trust me, i have been there (not that somebody died). and that is the worst thing i have ever done. it is like the most self-destructive thing to do to yourself. always, always put God first. God will always be with you. His existence is permanent. do not give all you have to other people. not that you can give them anything at all, but probably just 50% or 80% of it. never 100%. never.
NOT EVERYONE WILL SEE YOUR EFFORT.
whenever you do something for other people, always do it with sincerity. not because you want them to appreciate your effort. because sometimes, if you do it for the sake of the attention of the wrong person, no matter how big your effort is, they won't see it. they will be blinded by other stuffs. but that doesn't mean you have to stop showing your efforts. just don't do it for the sake of attention or to be noticed.
YOUR PROBLEMS AREN'T SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM.
the thing is, yes, sometimes we feel like we want to pour our hearts out and tell our friends or boyfriend about our problems. well, what you really should know that not all of us want to know about your problems. because we all have our own. somehow we just need someone to listen to. just make sure that someone really cares. but don't rely on them because not all of us can help you. maybe we can be just the place for you to pour your heart out. not to fix your problems.
YOU WILL LOSE CERTAIN PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.
doesn't matter if it's your family or friends, it not not possible not to lose certain people in your life. they may promise you forever, but how long is forever if we can only live until only-God-knows-when? don't trust people who promise to love you forever. trust people who promise to love you until they don't anymore. it might sounds very scary but that's what i think is the truth. don't you?
YOU WILL CHANGE MULTIPLE TIMES
you will change multiple times through your life. but that's okay. doesn't matter if people can't accept you. if they can't accept you, what makes you think that they are the right ones in your life? it is your life. you may change into good or bad people. either way. doesn't matter how bad you will be, you won't be bad forever. because at some point in your life, you are going to realise that you have done a mistake. so what? change and be it. you are both of your good or dark side. you are your mistake. but how can we live without making a mistake?
YOU WILL END UP BEING THE PERSON YOU SAID YOU WON'T BE
you will. that's why we can't really judge people. because we will never know what awaits us in the future. people make mistake. so do we. the only difference is what our mistake is. we are all sinners but with different sins. don't hate people because they are a sinner. instead, hate the sin itself.
WE MAKE MISTAKE AND WE LEARN FROM IT
well maybe sometimes we make the same mistake over and over again until we realise that we are making a mistake. so what? learn from it. most of the times we will make mistake multiple times. so what we need to do is learn from it. and fix it. learn from what we have done wrong. sometimes we even realise that we are doing the same mistake and still do. but that's just how it goes. eventually, you will outgrow of it.
PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU NO MATTER WHAT
so do whatever you think is best for you. and be happy because you do. don't listen to what others think or say. they are not you. they don't have control over your life. you weren't born to please other people. you have to make yourself happy. because you are the one who is going to feel what you feel. you are the one who is going to face what you are going to face later on. so screw other people's judgement. you don't want to think about the thing you haven't done for the next 30 years or so because you were to afraid what people might think of you, right? doesn't matter if it didn't turn out well, at least you did it.
just a reminder; this is what I have learnt throughout my life. doesn't mean it's right though. just my opinion. idgaf if you do not agree with me.
CARPE LIBRUM,
L.
Labels: life, life lessons, opinion, thoughts
24. MASQUERADE.
written on Saturday, February 7, 2015 @ 9:35 PM ✈
Stella stared at her laptop’s screen for about 2 minutes. She then hovered the cursor to the “Buy” button and clicked it without hesitation. She waited for the page to load. After making sure her purchase succeeded, she turned off the laptop and threw herself to bed. Her mind wandered off as always. The package will arrive tomorrow, at least that was what the seller guaranteed. She wondered if anybody has ever done the same. A thousand of questions popped up into her mind. ‘What if somebody knows?’ ‘Will it make a change?’ ‘Have I done the right thing?’ A few more questions came into her mind until a dream started to occur. She then fell soundly asleep.
The next day, Stella woke up to a soft knock on her door. “Uhh, come in,” she mumbled. A tall, beautiful, middle-aged lady came in to her room. “What is it, mum?” she questioned sleepily. Her mum then handed her a package and suddenly, she was wide awake. She snatched the package greedily, could not wait another minute to open it, but then she remembered that her mum was still in the room. “Do you mind, mum?” She gave a her the soft and sweet smile, the same one that Stella inherited from her mum, and walked out of the room. After making sure that her mum was not peeping, she opened the package. Not a while after that, a grey-coloured mask with a little touch of blue, exactly the same as she saw it online last night, appeared into her sight. She carefully took it out of the plastic, and began to wear it.
Keith’s eyes wandered off to the crowd. As always, he looked for the same thing, though he always got the same result. Instead, his eyes glued to his reflection in the glass. A light yellow-coloured mask, the same as everyone else’s in school. Everyone wore different coloured mask to show their personality. Red represents courageous, gold represents wealth, green represents well-being, and light yellow represents joyful. Each colour has their own representatives. Well, even colour has its dark sides. People in school rarely to be found in a grey or black mask because grey represents mentally ill, or depressed. Meanwhile black represents death.
He felt a pat on his shoulder, he turned around. He smiled instantly after he saw his friends. But his attention was attracted by a glimpse of a grey colour, which he rarely saw. His friend said something but he could not listen to any of it.
“Excuse me,” he said as he pushed a girl out of his way. But he failed to trail it. The grey colour went out of his sight. He let out a grunt of frustration. He turned around to his friend. “Dude, what’s happening?” He just ignored the question and rushed to his locker. As he was picking up his book, the bell rang. His friends started to approach him, but he quickly walked away from them and went straight off to Math class.
Keith could not pay his attention fully to the class. He kept thinking. Who was so brave to wear their emotion publicly? Even Keith did not have the guts to do the same. The same question has been inside his mind until lunch time. He knew that he should find that dauntless person. As soon as he stepped outside of the classroom, his eyes started to do as the brain told. To find the grey-coloured masked person.
Probably that day was his lucky day because he caught the person, a girl who wore the grey-coloured mask, walking past in front of him. He has the urge to stop the girl, but he decided to follow the girl instead. Keith let out a sigh of relief. His brain has already prepared a few question he was going to ask to that girl. He rehearsed it inside his head.
Without realising that the girl stopped walking in the middle of the way to cafeteria, Keith accidentally hit her. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you were there,” Keith apologised to her. “That’s alright, nobody does,” the girl looked into Keith’s eyes and smiled. He could feel a hit of sensation. The smile was so familiar to him, just like the one that usually did whenever he was with his friends.
“I’m sorry to ask this, but are you really depressed?” Keith realised that he should not really ask that. He was ready to take his word back when he saw the girl’s expression went puzzled. “Why do you ask?” the girl then questioned him. Keith looked around to make sure his friends were not anywhere closer than them. He grabbed the girl’s hand and led her to the library because that was the closest he could get. They went to the back shelves.
After Keith assured that nobody was eavesdropping, he glared at the girl for a while. He then took off the light yellow-coloured mask, revealing the same kind of mask as the girl wore. A grey with a little touch of blue-coloured mask. The girl gasped as if she was taking her last breath that she could get into her lungs. “I know, I have been hiding this for so long. Please don’t tell this to anyone. This is a secret between us,” he uttered under his breath. The girl was still speechless. She shook her head, “But you don’t know me. How can you trust me?”
Keith began to tremble, he was on the verge of breaking down. He realised that he has made a perilous step. Suddenly, he felt a soft touch on his shoulder, “Hey, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me.” The girl handed out a tissue to him. “I’m Stella by the way.” she stated. Keith exhaled, picking back up the courage to talk without stuttering, “Keith.” he faked a smile.
Stella recalled the situation that happened two weeks before, during lunch at school. She looked at the mirror and examined every part of her face. She has a really clear and glowing face. But she did not know what beautiful really looked like. Because she has never seen an unmasked person all her life. She was not born with a mask. She was always been the odd one in the family and hated it. People always gave her the skeptical look like she was an outcast. She gazed at the mask that she bought the night before the incident happened. She thought it was a splendid idea so she could fit in with others. She chose grey, not like she suffered depression or anything. Probably because she has been longing for the attention since she was little. Her vision has been playing the same thing all over again. When Keith started to reveal his true colour.
As she came out from the school by the next day, she could see Keith was waiting for her. After the incident, Keith wore his true colour to school. Ever since the day he started to wear it, his friends would not come any nearer. Stella felt the guilt started to grow bigger each day. Keith gave her the same smile everyday as she approached him. “So where are we going?” Stella asked. Everybody was giving them the unpleasant look.
“Why don’t we go to the old building?” Stella agreed, could not wait any longer with the stares that they received. The sky began to show the sign that it was going to rain. The sun started to hide behind the clouds. Not a while after that, a few droplets started to fall and began to drizzle. They walked swiftly and finally managed to get to the building before the rain started to pour heavily.
The tapping sound occurred from the rain echoed throughout the angle of the building. She took a glance at Keith who was looking at her. “What?” questioned Stella who was shivering. “Nothing, it’s just...” Keith shook his head, letting the beads of water spat from his hair. “I feel like I’m fading. Like,” “What do you mean?” Stella asked before Keith could continue.
“I don’t know, lately my depression has become worse. I couldn’t eat for days. I feel numb throughout the night. I couldn’t sleep. I feel like I shouldn’t wear my true colour in the first place,” Keith started to sob. “With all of my friends started to avoid me. It’s not like having a mental disorder is what I wanted.” As always, Stella couldn’t find words to comfort Keith. She was always bad at this. She has no idea how to make Keith feels better because she wasn’t depressed. She did not know what having a depression felt like. All she could do right now was holding Keith the same way her mum held her when she was little, when people were teasing her for not having a mask.
“Keith, you are strong. Ever since the first day I saw you smiled in that grey mask. You are brave, Keith. You have shown to your friends who you really are.” as Stella was saying this, she could feel that her mask was slipping.
The moment Keith started to move, she began to panic. As Keith looked her in the eyes, the mask fell. Her heart pounded so loudly, she could even hear it. Her true self has been revealed. Needless to say, the reaction that she got from Keith. Keith’s eyes were widely opened as though it could fall out of his head. Keith uttered out of disbelief but she could not hear it because of the sound of the rain hitting the roof. “Wha-? After all this time? You have been hiding under that mask?” Stella tried to reach him but he moved away from her. “I’m sorry, Keith. I’m sorry. I have never had a mask. I’m sorry... I,” “BUT YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN OTHER MASK. WHY BLUE? Why? Why depression?” Keith interrupted in the middle of her explanation.
“because... because I have been longing to become in the centre of attention. I just want people to feel sorry for me.” exclaimed Stella, trying to fight the sound of thunder. Stella could see the hurt in Keith face. “Do you think by living in depression, in any mental illness, people will feel sorry for you? They won’t. Haven’t you see the disgust in people’s faces when they saw us? Mental illness is like a curse. People won’t treat us the same as they treat people who suffer cancer. All they would say is ‘Get over it. It’s just depression. What could be worse than that?’ EVERYTHING.” Keith screamed out the truth.
“You feel like you are trapped in your own mind, your own body. Nowhere to escape, nowhere to bound. Whenever you try to recover, you will always relapse. Just like a rubber band. No matter how far you go, or how far you stretch, you will get back to the same place. It will get you nowhere.” Keith sobbed. His face was wet from the mix of tears and raindrops.
Nobody has ever tell the truth to her. She was being selfish. She could see the disgust in Keith’s face. “I’m sorry, Keith,” she tried to apologise but the words seemed to stuck in her throat. Abruptly, Keith fell onto his knees. His mask has turned to black. Stella felt a stab of knife went through her heart. I killed him, she thought. Stella rushed to him and tried to reach him, but he has become a wisp of air. Stella body started to filled with fear. Fear of losing Keith. Two weeks felt like two decades. Like they have known for ever.
“Don’t wear that mask, Stella. You’re beautiful.”
Keith has blended in with the wall. Just a blink of an eye, he was gone. The only thing left was his mask.“KEITH!” Stella cried. She screamed with all her heart. She knelt down to the floor and sobbed. Stella laid on the ground, she cried and cried and cried until her eyes could not produce tears any longer. Her clothes was soaked with water from the puddle. Not sure whether from the rain or her tears.
She knew it all along that Keith’s mask was slowly turning into dark grey. She realised it, but she chose to ignore it. She was just a narcissist. If only she could rewind the time, but that was the problem. She could not. You cannot change the nature. But maybe the nature could change her.
Stella got off the ground and took the masks. She started to walk slowly to Keith house. She left his mask at the front door. The only thing that she could hear was the last thing ever that Keith has said to her. Her steps stopped when she saw her reflection in the puddle. She took a last glance at her mask. I don’t need a masquerade any longer, she whispered as she threw the mask. She knew that she has to be what she was born as. She did not need a mask because that was her true self. So what if she is not like the others? She was not an outcast. Unique, that was what she meant to be. Ever since that day, she confidently walked through the crowd, unmasked.
HEY GUYS. so yeah. i know i've promised you the short fanfic but i just couldn't get it done. and i started a new short story instead lol so yeah the mask thing is kinda new to me hahaha also i feel like this one is shorter than usual. i hope you like it. and apologies to all the error. heheheh. love you. thanks for reading. x
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credits to WeHeartIt. horribly edited by me.
Labels: life, my writings, short stories
23. Poetry #1
written on Tuesday, February 3, 2015 @ 10:13 PM ✈
little do you know, how i'm breaking while you fall asleep?
i am wide awake, staring at the ceiling, burning holes through them. my eyes linger closely on the cracks while i hear my heart is slowly breaking, close to crushing, to crying. as the breaking does its job, the numb feeling that i feel in my skin slowly increases.
little do you know, i'm still haunted by the memories?
in my mind, those memories we have created together wouldn't stop telling me that i miss you like hell has been opened again. but the voices in my head, oh how they sound like you, paraphrasing the last word you ever said to me, giving the chills down my spine, the same feeling that i got when i first heard it. it's echoing in every parts of me.
little do you know, i'm trying to pick myself up, piece by piece?
from the heart, now i can feel it starts to breaking in my bones, in my skins, in every places that your hands have ever been. i'm screaming so loud, yelling “HELP ME, I'M SHATTERING,” so very loud, but you still can't hear me. because your screaming voice in mine has overshadowed my own.
i loved you but you break me
—
little do you know, i know you're hurt while i'm sound asleep?
i saw your crying face, flashing in my vision every time i close my eyes. the uneasiness and the guilts are conquering me inside and out. and now i can feel the cut is getting deeper each time i try to move. it almost feel like a stab.
little do you know, all my mistakes are slowly drowning me?
i have made you cry for me, even bleed for me. and all the tears and blood are because of me. now they have created a sea inside, slowly but surely is raising up. i can barely breathe. so i gasped. motionlessly sinking at the bottom of my own fault.
little do you know, i'm trying to make it better, piece by piece?
have you not yet realise that i'm saving you? you could've died if you stayed longer. now i'm putting back together the broken pieces of you. i'm filled with the cuts, i deserve it. despite of what have i done, the cuts aren't enough. my love, please don't come near me. so then i'll be missing you, so i can slowly die for what i did to you.
i loved you so i break you
helloooooooo guysssss. hehehe. i haven't post quite awhile (at least for me). sorry, but i've been quite busy. furthermore, i don't know what should i post. i wanted to do a january favourite but idk what mine was hahaha (i'll try to recall). ALSO, i can't assure you when will i post the short fanfiction because i havn't continued writing it yet. i already have the idea for the ending. i just really need to work for it. so in the meantime, i create a poem which i rarely do. so if i have any error, please forgive me. this poem is inspired by a song, Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra. i know it's like freaking LONG, but bear with me :p i hope you like it ♥
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, my writings, poem, poetry, song, writings
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we live under the same sky
“To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.”
- James Allen Quotes
Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me,
what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered
because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that
I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone
who is life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts
or at least we are getting there.
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my sunshine
links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first
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link
coming soon....
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