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57. hey insecurities
written on Sunday, March 20, 2016 @ 4:42 PM
hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?
actually, i don't really have the main topic for this post. but i do have some ideas of what i will be talking about. the thing is, i just don't know where to begin with. but maybe, that's what. it's not about something to begin with, but it's about something to end with.
i don't know if this is one of my insecurities or what (yes, i do have plenty of insecurities besides my appearances. but i mean, don't we all?). i want to point out about my clingyness (<-- is this a proper english word? whatever). is this something to be insecured about? is this a flaw? i don't know.
i am this kind of person that will be clingy towards you when i am comfortable with you. but i don't mean like a normal clingy, but i will spam you with my texts. i want to spend my time 24/7 with you and get annoyed or mad or sad when i don't, and you have to do the same. basically, i will never let you out of my sight when i have reached to that one level of being comfortable with certain people. do you get what i mean?
i used to be fine with myself being clingy. not until someone told me that i need to stop because i am being annoying. and i guess, that has left me scarred and scared for life. my mind will be forever scarred that i am annoying for being clingy. and i will be forever scared to be attached to someone because i'm scared that i will annoy the fuck out of them with this clingyness.
i didn't realise it until yesterday. that my clingyness is one of my insecurities. and i hated myself for being in such ways. i tweeted about it and one of my favourite people replied and said that maybe that person is not the right person for me to cling on. and that really opened up my mind. she is right.
that person didn't even deserve my attention. not even my love, yet i still loved him. thank God i have kicked him out of my life. he was like my biggest lesson in life. he didn't even treat me well. why the hell was i with him? ugh. but whatever it is, i have moved on. it just that i have a few moment in my life where i will think about my past, especially the bad ones. just for self-reflection. so that i will never repeat the same mistake again.
so, lessons learned, kids. remember that always careful about something that you gotta say about someone. it might be one of their insecurities. and for you to point that out to them, will be the biggest nightmare and will scar them for life. just remember that our insecurities doesn't revolve around our physical appearances only.
and another lesson from this post is, if that person don't treat you well and ignore you, just leave them. they are not worth any attention to you. get you a person who can treat you like a normal human being. that can accept you and learn how to deal with your flaws. don't let them tell you what to do. just be you. if that person can't accept you for being yourself, then what are you waiting for? cause someone out there could love you more. (okay, to be fair, that was troye sivan's lyrics from lost boy but screw it. i like the lyrics and it speaks the truth.)
any way, if you don't feel loved when you are around someone that you love, then just walk away. you are loved. i promise you. but not by them. okay?
i think that's for it now. i don't have anything else to say. i miss writing so much. i do have a lot of things to talk about. i just don't know how to put it into proper words and it is just to much that i don't know where on earth should i begin. i'll try to post as often as i could since i haven't started my school yet. so yeaaahhh. gotta gowww.
guddbai guddbai,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, reflecting, thoughts
53. Love ♥
written on Monday, February 15, 2016 @ 1:20 AM
hello everybody~ how are you? good? good. no? i'm sorry. but whatever it is, i though i'd make another midnight posts because i like to ramble a lot during midnight, apparently aha. so yeah. also, i think i might change the way i post things. to be honest, i don't feel very enthusiast with my fangirl friday. i mean, i do love to talk about them, but i feel like it's limited with words. so i think i might cut that off. i don't know about friday i'm in love, but i'll try make it happen because i have to post once a month anyway. so yeah, there's that.
but yeah, since it's valentine's day yesterday, we're gonna talk about love, shall we? how ironic. nothing specific, just random. as that is what i do best. i don't celebrate valentine's day, but that doesn't mean i am not allowed to talk about love, right? so, to those who celebrate, happy valentine's day ♥ oh and mind you that i am having the worst headaches/migraine in the world <-- i'm just exaggerating, it's not the worst but it hurts quite a lot. so if anything that i will be saying in a couple of minute doesn't make sense, do apologise.
gotta have harry potter reference in any post possible aha
so, love. i don't know what to talk about really. back in the old days, i was a naive, "innocent" teenager who thought that i was matured. pffft. honestly, i cringe every time i think of that phase of mine. ew. i really thought that i have to be committed in every relationship that i was in. like i felt the need to be the best girlfriend of the year probably. and my goal was to be in a relationship more than a year or something and i achieved that, props to me. not. however, everything went down to waste. what a naive girl i was. little did i know, a few years later i will be the ultimate heartless bitch who couldn't care less about not having a boyfriend. in fact, i saviour every moment of it. seriously, if you are single, embrace it because you have at least one less problem to care about.
but it is not like i am anti-love or something like that, but i feel like "yeah whatever" when i think about relationship. i still have a crush and all (let's not talk about that). all i am thinking right now is my fictional boyfriends, books, and food. ah good ol' days.
once, i read a quote somewhere from twitter. it said, "love is a feeling, not a decision." and i used to agree with that. that love is a feeling; not a decision. but then, i stumbled upon a tweet about it. and it said, love is a decision after all. and since that day, my whole point of view has changed and let me tell you why.
feelings fade. no matter how hard you try to keep that feeling, at some point in your life you will find you don't love that person any longer, get bored or maybe outgrew from them. and it is true. i may have experienced it or i may not. so i think if you are moving on, it is just a matter of time that you will grew apart from that person. and what will remain is the memory that will cause you a problem. because whenever you miss someone, you will always come back to the memories that you had with them. you don't necessarily go to that person and tell them that you miss them. NOT REALLY. so if you are moving on, don't let the memory hang on the back of your mind. let the memory go, eventually you will let the person go as well.
you might think that what the freakin hell do you mean that love is a decision? how the hell do you decide that you love someone. okay, see. the thing is, as i said earlier that feelings fade, so all that's left for you is a choice. a decision for you to choose. you choose to love that person. you choose to be that person all over again. okay, this one, i don't mean for you to choose over a person again and again if they have cheated on you. nope. certainly do not. instead, i mean it in the way, i will choose you no matter how hard it is to be with you. for example, your partner have like a financial problems to deal with, but you are still there with them instead of dumping them. that is what i mean. we choose to love someone. even if we are mad at them. we choose to forgive them. not to stop loving them.
god, i feel like an old lady talking about this. but yeah, this is what i mean by love is a decision. indeed it is.
on the other hand, i find that most of us will usually end up with someone that doesn't appreciate us, but we love them any ways. do you get what i mean? yeah, that. the only reason to that is we accept the love we think we deserve. okay, now listen. if you can't be yourself whenever you are around them, they might not be the one. the person who loves us will always be the one who brings out the best version of ourselves. and that is how you become happy for being in a relationship with someone. but remember that to not be afraid to have a fight in a relationship because it is totally normal. i used to think that a happy relationship is a couple who never had a fight. i was wrong, really. however, i certainly do not mean a fight where one of you beating each other. that is abuse. if you are facing that, leave them.
my definition of soulmate is probably a person who can accept me how weird i am and do not bother to change the fact that i am just born as a weirdo. a person who i totally don't mind if i haven't been taling to for a long time, but when you talk to them after a long time, it feels like you haven't been missing a day of not talking them (does that make sense?). kinda like when we are with our best friends. you don't always have to talk to them to know that you are their friends, you just know that they are always there. a person who is a complete opposite of me. fire+fire=more fire. right? i always imagine that because i love to write, my partner will be the one who loves to read. so there, we can complete each other. but you know, people always said that if a fangirl likes you, then you are a lucky person. because fangirl has a quite high standard. and i find that, it is true hahaha. so, i think maybe i'd rather be in a relationship with a fictional characters rather than being in love with the wrong person.
i think i totally went all out about love hahaha. but yeah, don't worry if you are single. the best is yet to come. God saves the best for the last. have fun. there's nothing to worry about. fate has been written for you, just pray for the best. we are all created in pairs, aren't we? so, no worries. you still have your friends. saviour this moment as you are still single. once you are married, there will be barely any time for you to have a pamper evening, hang out with your friends. so no need the rush. be cool about it.
lol i am just saying this, but my heart is utterly broken because i will always be fanzoned by my favourite youtubers or i will never ever date my fictional boyfriend :(
weirdo.
so anyway, that is all i have to talk about love. what a post. i literally just mixed everything up in one post over a same topic. but yeah, i love you lots. oh and just a disclaimer, if you don't agree with me, i'm sorry. this is just my opinion. i am certainly NOT a love expert or something. i talk based on my experience.
Lots of Love,
L.
Labels: feelings, love, opinion, ramble
43. after midnight's thoughts
written on Tuesday, January 19, 2016 @ 1:38 AM
SPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY NOT WORTH READING.
first off, i actually forgotten that i was supposed to update a blog post yesterday. as i am writing this, i am 52 minutes forward from yesterday. i am in da futureeeeee (and also the past by the time some of you read this). okay calm down. so basically this is me, updating a blog post 7 minutes to 1 in the morning. crazy, i'nit? no. not really. fair warning: this blog post is going to be super random as you are aware of the title. after midnight's thoughts. you all know what happen in your mind right when the clock struck 12 in the midnight. everything that you are thinking become deep. so deep, adele couldn't even roll it.
nowadays, i barely think about my past. because nothing good ever lived there. the darkness of my past was like some kind of a blob of a black paint on my life canvas somewhere. we all have the darkness in us, haven't we? so, all i am thinking right now is the present and sometimes the future which terrifies me, a LOT. the thought of turning 18 is scary. i am going to have to be a responsible adult in mostly everything that i do. and i am sitting here, wondering how to adult. i can barely speak in front of people without stuttering, so how the hell am i going to pay all the bills by myself? *shudders*
to think about it, exactly last year, i was not as happy as i am these days. i was at the unhappiest moments in my life. i am really grateful that i have finally moved on from that dark side of me. all i can hope was that for that darkness not to haunt me again. because i am already perfectly fine in my own. the most important thing is for me to stop myself from overthinking. doesn't matter if it is about the past or the future. just focus on the present. because thinking about future really makes me anxious which is not a good thing.
also, maybe if i try to tell myself frequently to stop caring about what others might think or feel about me so much, then maybe i have finally reached to another level of happiness. aha. boo hoo, people. say watcha gotta say. me don't care. mmm watcha sayyy~
midnight really makes my mind work really good. the way i write is probably different than usual, i guess. it is funny to think that i got an award for the best student in English (English only cause I suck in other subjects). because the truth is, i probably know only 5%-15% of words in English language. because the truth is we will never gain enough knowledge in our lifetime. that's why we will never stop learning. academically or theoretically. and the most mind blowing thing is that to compare ourselves with the the whole universe, we are just a speck of dust. yet we still matter in this world. without you and i, there are probably somebody else who wouldn't be or feel complete in their life. how Great is God. and how exquisite His creations are. beyond amazing.
told you, this entry will be way too deep. it's weird, right? how our minds do that. why do we thought about the most unquestionable things during the midnight? is it the surroundings? or is it the loneliness that we feel? okay, the more i think about. the weirder it feels for me. so maybe i'll just go off to bed, really. i have a really bad sleeping patterns these days, everyday this year. so let's just pray that liyana will be able to sort out her sleeping schedules so that she will feel as normal because that is how the human nature works. (that doesn't mean being different is not good, but having a not normal sleeping schedule is not to be proud of because you have different sleeping time with others. that is not different, that is just unhealthy.)
somebody really needs to get me off from here. the longer i stay, the weirder this post has become.
So Long and Good Night,
L.
okay i swear this is the last one but did someone sing to Helena by MCR when reading that? cause i do. ok guddbai guddbai
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, thoughts
29. leaving high school.
written on Saturday, October 31, 2015 @ 10:31 PM
just a reminder. this might be a very lengthy post (and a very emosh one). you do not have to read it if you do not want to. but BRACE YOURSELF.
do you know that feeling when you're reading, that you don't want to end the book but you need and dying to know what the ending is? i feel the same way about leaving high school. i admit that there comes the time when i could not wait to leave high school and be free from all the tension and pressure. but now that i come towards the end of it, i realise that i actually do not want this to end. i do not want to leave high school. i am not yet ready to face the so-called real world. okay, think about it. we are going to leave the same routine that we have been doing for almost 11 years. i think i might have some kind of a love hate relationship with school. because, let's be real. leaving homeworks. BIG YES. leaving friends (or people). NONONONONOOOOO.
i think the reason i do not want to leave high school is mainly because i do not want to leave people. i fear of being forgotten and forgetting. i hate it when i forget people because i know what is it like to be forgotten. we have been building friendships and relationships for almost 5 years. the scariest bit of leaving high school is that you do not know if those people you have been together with for 5 years are going to stay or just be gone. are they the one, or the one that got away? that is why people say, the end is the beginning. once we end high school, we begin to know who has God sent to us to stay in our life and the ones who are not. the ones who matter to us the most might be not that kind of person to us anymore.
i would want to post this on my instagram but the caption would be a never-ending scroll. also, i would love to do an appreciation post to all of the people that mean the most to me but that would be impossible to do so. instead, i just do a blog post instead.
to those who i knew since kindergarten or primary school, or the ones who i knew since the beginning of high school, the ones who i used to love or hate or both, the ones who i just got close to this year, the ones who i just got to know (in the last two weeks of school) although we have been in the same school for 5 years or less than that, the ones who i fangirl with, the ones who share the same interest as mine but i just know about it in the last week of school (ugh sucks), the ones who i usually look from a distance and do not have the guts to talk to, to the teacher who is like my best friend now, the ones who used to be my friend to acquaintances to stranger (or vice versa), the ones who i do not talk to anymore but i used to be close (and might have some of my secrets), even to those who i barely talk to (or never have i ever) and not to forget to those who i exchange glances and smiles once in a while.
there are a lot of other people who i would like to mention but i would need an eternity to do so. i hope those people who read this know who they are without me mentioning their name. i just want you to know that all of you matter to me. no matter if you are still in my life or not. our path crossed with reasons. God has written the story of our lives without flaws. God has sent all of you into my life and God has sent me into your lives, with reasons. either as a lesson or a blessing.
this may be too cheesy or it does not even matter to you. some of you might gag reading this because let's be real, we will move on from this and probably another year from now, it would not matter to us any longer. but i just want to talk about it as long as it is still matter to me. i want to embrace it as long as it is still in my mind. because it has become a part of my life and i cannot not talk about it. this is the story that i am going to tell to my child later. this is the story of my life and i do not want to forget it. as worse as it can get, it is still the best memory that i have and i will take it with me in the pocket of my mind wherever i go.
it does feel good though, leaving high school. no more homeworks. no more studying stuffs that we are not eager to know. no more assembly. no more having to wake up early. but leaving high school also means, no more seeing your best friends five days a week or maybe more. no more screaming your teacher's name and wouldn't stop talking about how beautiful she can get each day, everyday. no more stupid inside jokes with your friend while the teacher is teaching. no more gossips. no more creeping and fangirling to your crush. no more hiding your classmates' stuffs. no more copying your friend's homework. no more horror story-telling by your teacher. no more EVERYTHING. and that is sad. talking about this just can make me hear my heart breaking louder and clearer than before.
to the teachers, i could not thank you enough for your supports. all the sacrifices yet we still wouldn't listen to all of you. sorry for being such a nuisance. thanks for being our best friends, sisters, brothers, and parents in school. without all of you, i wouldn't be where i am right now.
and to my english teachers and all of my other teachers,
this is for all of you. thank you for giving me support and inspire me to get better and do better each day.
to the 2015's alumnus of smkpg, i am glad that we were born in the same year. i am sorry for all of my wrongdoings, either vaguely done or not. i could not thank all of you enough for entering my life. even the little things matter. probably your smile had made my day before. i may not have given all of you a lot to remember. and i cannot promise you that i won't forget you because at some point in my life, i might will. and you might forget me as well. but i hope to God that i won't. just remember that, at some point in my life, you guys are the reason that i am still here.
to the juniors, please behave. create more memories because you are guiding your own story. it will be something that you will remember in the little side of your mind. do not burden the teachers. do not be mad at the teachers when they scold you because they won't be mad at you for nothing. they are doing what they are doing because that is what they are supposed to do. appreciate them. thank them. love them. be good. be kind. and for the drama people next year, you can do better without having to be trees to win ;)
all in all, good luck for spm and i believe in all of us. we can do this. may the best batch succeed.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2014, 2015, feelings, friends, happiness, life, memories, school, thoughts
26. Big Bad Wolf Johor.
written on Saturday, June 6, 2015 @ 3:56 PM
before i could scream to myself, i know. i haven't been posting for quite awhile. but that is because i am just lazy. no reason needed. haish. futhermore, i have a lot to tell just too hard to put it into words. i am still stuck with my short stories and all. i think i have to start over a new one. i am feeling a little bit fantasy inspired haha idk.
but anyway, i went to Big Bad Wolf Book Sale last Tuesday i guess with my favourite little one {Amira Farain} hehe. first of all, it was a fun day. it was a real unexpected fun day. you know the day when you just plan what you are going to do but it turned out pretty awesome? yeah. THAT kind of day.
big bad wolf was awesome. i wish i could go there again but i am quite broke at the moment so HAH till then, see you next year mr wolfy *wipes tears dramatically* hahaha but seriously. it was amazing. i bought FOUR books for RM30 only! How crazy is that? normally, i could get only one book for RM30. Big Bad Wolf saved my life as i haven't been buying new books lately. but yay!
we fangirled like crazy people might think we escaped from the asylum or something...
all because of books.
yep.
after that, we went to JBCC because we planned to eat dinner outside. so we walked around together. and then, we bumped into these guys...
a day full of ma faves awh hahahaha oh yeah Amira and I were wearing the same sweater hehehe #twinning4lyf. okay back to the topic hahaha, well we knew that the guys were there and i was kinda hoping that we would meet or what. then, as we were window shopping, suddenly they came up to us. i guess you can say i was surprise i nearly had a heart attack. how very dramatic of me. but really though.
after that, we talked for awhile and took selfie {obviously!} for a bit and thennnnnnn i met my cousin. see what i mean? favourite people. Amira and I then went to Bath & Body Works. like always, we fangirled a lot. we smelt almost everything in the shop before my cousin came in and told me to pick anything cheap hahaha so i picked the Mad About You fragrance mist. hahaha. she paid for it though. thanks kak nadiiii <3
we went to dinner before we went home hehe it was seriously such a fun day. thanks to ma favourite people! i looooooooove you guys so much <3 i smiled the whole through writing this blog post. even thinking about it makes me happy. idk sometimes the simplest thing in life can actually make you happy. so do whatever you want, you might create great memories with it, right? so, why not? ;)
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2015, bbw, big bad wolf, book, family, favourite, feelings, friends, happiness, happy, memories
23. Poetry #1
written on Tuesday, February 3, 2015 @ 10:13 PM
little do you know, how i'm breaking while you fall asleep?
i am wide awake, staring at the ceiling, burning holes through them. my eyes linger closely on the cracks while i hear my heart is slowly breaking, close to crushing, to crying. as the breaking does its job, the numb feeling that i feel in my skin slowly increases.
little do you know, i'm still haunted by the memories?
in my mind, those memories we have created together wouldn't stop telling me that i miss you like hell has been opened again. but the voices in my head, oh how they sound like you, paraphrasing the last word you ever said to me, giving the chills down my spine, the same feeling that i got when i first heard it. it's echoing in every parts of me.
little do you know, i'm trying to pick myself up, piece by piece?
from the heart, now i can feel it starts to breaking in my bones, in my skins, in every places that your hands have ever been. i'm screaming so loud, yelling “HELP ME, I'M SHATTERING,” so very loud, but you still can't hear me. because your screaming voice in mine has overshadowed my own.
i loved you but you break me
—
little do you know, i know you're hurt while i'm sound asleep?
i saw your crying face, flashing in my vision every time i close my eyes. the uneasiness and the guilts are conquering me inside and out. and now i can feel the cut is getting deeper each time i try to move. it almost feel like a stab.
little do you know, all my mistakes are slowly drowning me?
i have made you cry for me, even bleed for me. and all the tears and blood are because of me. now they have created a sea inside, slowly but surely is raising up. i can barely breathe. so i gasped. motionlessly sinking at the bottom of my own fault.
little do you know, i'm trying to make it better, piece by piece?
have you not yet realise that i'm saving you? you could've died if you stayed longer. now i'm putting back together the broken pieces of you. i'm filled with the cuts, i deserve it. despite of what have i done, the cuts aren't enough. my love, please don't come near me. so then i'll be missing you, so i can slowly die for what i did to you.
i loved you so i break you
helloooooooo guysssss. hehehe. i haven't post quite awhile (at least for me). sorry, but i've been quite busy. furthermore, i don't know what should i post. i wanted to do a january favourite but idk what mine was hahaha (i'll try to recall). ALSO, i can't assure you when will i post the short fanfiction because i havn't continued writing it yet. i already have the idea for the ending. i just really need to work for it. so in the meantime, i create a poem which i rarely do. so if i have any error, please forgive me. this poem is inspired by a song, Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra. i know it's like freaking LONG, but bear with me :p i hope you like it ♥
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, my writings, poem, poetry, song, writings
22. do more of what makes you happy
written on Friday, January 23, 2015 @ 6:30 PM
of course i'm going to find a reason to use harry potter references for my blog post. duh.
hello. it is time for a new blog post yeahhh! i have enter the second week of school. things are getting more complicated and stressful. but there's nothing bad to complain, i guess? at least, on the bright side, i get to study. some other people are dying to get an education.
what a positive vibe that is. hahaha. and alsooooo, i went for an audition. FOR DRAMA. i have always wanted to be in a play. (theater sounds fun!) but before this, i don't get the chance to. but once, my English teacher told me to act out a scene from a drama that we studied (Gulp and Gasp), and i kinda nailed it. she then said that i should enter drama. so then i did. i took it as a challenge. and i'm glad that i did, because i got the part :D
during that audition, we need to partner up and have to make up a situation. FORTUNATELY, my partner is also a potterhead ._. the world is small, i know. and we couldn't think any situation. so i suggested us to do an improvisation for harry potter. i used my short fanfiction (that i'm currently writing). ooohh sneak peek! not going to tell what was it about, because then it will be a spoiler :P but we did it :) the teacher liked it. we both got the part. and coincidentally, the judge is my English teacher. and now, she refers me as the girl who acted out a scene from harry potter hahaha. niceeee. although it was short, she said that we did amazing. couldn't be happier. (despite the fact that i have found another potterhead) also, there wasn't so much people auditioning for drama. so, there were only four people who got the part. and only 4 girls who went to the audition.
AND THEN, my dearest (last year's) english teacher, she said that she suggested me for public speaking hahahahahahaha. me? speaking in front of people? spontaneously?? i'm screwed, i thought. but then to think about it, why not? it sure worth the try, right? so, i'm going for the audition next week. wish me luck! i have to give a speech about fame. i have already done writing the text. and i have practiced. but, most of the time i stutter. surprisingly, i did it today. less stuttering.
i think that maybe this is the way for me to find myself. what i'm actually capable of. other than writing. of course, drama is already a new whole level for me. and public speaking is totally out of my comfort zone. but if i stay where i am for the rest of my life, then i won't be improving. don't you think that we should try and change ourselves for the better? sometimes, changing isn't something really bad. SOMETIMES. also, i can add up my co-curriculum's mark. why not kill two birds with one stone? well, without the killing part for sure.
so what i'm telling you is, do more of what makes you happy. despite the fact that people will tease or whatever, but WHO THE HECK CARES? it's your life. if you want to tell your crush that you like her/him, do it anyways. if you want to go and create a blog, why not? fire away. if you want to eat chocolate, then eat. don't think about what people say. why do you want your life to depend on what people say? your life is worth more than what they say. create memories, because that's what lasts forever. not only you'll gain experience, but you, too, will become happier. do you want to ever think "why didn't i do that?" when you're older, just because of afraid to get judged by other people? you weren't born to please people. well, i know that i do that all the time. like for an example, i wanted to do a youtube video but i'm too scared that people will make fun of me. but who knows, after i be in drama, i have the courage to do one? right? it's always a step to another level. no matter how slow it is.
so, screw what other people think. do what you want to do. say what you want to say (not bad things). be what you want to be. as long as it makes you happy.
go. make a change. for the better cause. you live once a lifetime. <- ( a fancier version to say YOLO) :P
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credit; WeHeartIt.
Labels: feelings, happiness, life, thoughts
21. it's okay not to be okay.
written on Saturday, January 17, 2015 @ 12:07 AM
is it okay not to be okay?
we are humans. we have mixed feelings. we have our ups and downs. so it's okay not to be okay. feel however you feel. cry your eyes out, if that'll make you feel at least a little bit better. other people can't tell what we should happy. we don't know what awaits in the future. we won't always be happy. we could be happy today, but completely miserable the next day.
you should be grateful
you have everything, what do you mean you're not happy?
you shouldn't be sad, there's other people who have it worse.
STOP! you're making it worse.
it's normal to feel down sometimes. we're human after all. so stop telling people to not feel sad because they have a better life. shut up. you are not them. you are you, and your life is different from other people. we already have enough days of wearing mask to cover up the sadness, to hide our feelings by faking a smile. isn't it ridiculous? like we are not allowed to feel other things other than happy. screw what other people who told you what to do or what to feel. they are not walking in your shoes.
we sure can be happy again. of course, we can. we will always try our hardest to be happy again. sing your favourite song out loud. draw what you feel. reread your favourite book. take a walk in the park. dance your heart out (though you don't know how to dance). do more of what makes you happy. even if it's just a little thing. sometimes the little things can make us the happiest. still, it's hard to feel okay again after spent most of our times in darkness. but eventually, we will find the light. it's up to us, it's our choice to choose if we want to be happy again or vice versa.
You the only person alive who holds the key to your healin'.
ignore what other people say. they don't know a thing about us. and they barely knew what we've been through. of course, there's a lot of other people who have it worse, but different people have different capabilities. our mind can cope different things. if you're happy then you're lucky but you don't have to say mean things to others. just because you're happy, you can let other people down.
heh. i don't know why. i just got an idea for a blog post when i was listening to who you are by Jessie J. the title is from the lyrics. sorry for a short (kind of) blog post and sorry if any of these are a bit harsh. if you don't agree with what i said, it's alright. we have completely different opinion.anyways, i think i'm going to make a short fanfiction ;) idk yet. but i already have the ideas though! so wait for it :D
to those who are happy, stay happy and be happy that when other people look at you, they'll feel happy as well. to those who are not, darling, you'll be okay. you can make through this. you are strong. there is a brighter day for us, it just come out a little late because it'll be the best day for us <3
the rainbow always comes out after a long and heavy storm. stay the strongest version of you.
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credits to WeHeartIt.
and some of the words are lyrics heheh <3
Labels: feelings, happy, life, sad, thoughts
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57. hey insecurities
written on Sunday, March 20, 2016 @ 4:42 PM ✈
hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?
actually, i don't really have the main topic for this post. but i do have some ideas of what i will be talking about. the thing is, i just don't know where to begin with. but maybe, that's what. it's not about something to begin with, but it's about something to end with.
i don't know if this is one of my insecurities or what (yes, i do have plenty of insecurities besides my appearances. but i mean, don't we all?). i want to point out about my clingyness (<-- is this a proper english word? whatever). is this something to be insecured about? is this a flaw? i don't know.
i am this kind of person that will be clingy towards you when i am comfortable with you. but i don't mean like a normal clingy, but i will spam you with my texts. i want to spend my time 24/7 with you and get annoyed or mad or sad when i don't, and you have to do the same. basically, i will never let you out of my sight when i have reached to that one level of being comfortable with certain people. do you get what i mean?
i used to be fine with myself being clingy. not until someone told me that i need to stop because i am being annoying. and i guess, that has left me scarred and scared for life. my mind will be forever scarred that i am annoying for being clingy. and i will be forever scared to be attached to someone because i'm scared that i will annoy the fuck out of them with this clingyness.
i didn't realise it until yesterday. that my clingyness is one of my insecurities. and i hated myself for being in such ways. i tweeted about it and one of my favourite people replied and said that maybe that person is not the right person for me to cling on. and that really opened up my mind. she is right.
that person didn't even deserve my attention. not even my love, yet i still loved him. thank God i have kicked him out of my life. he was like my biggest lesson in life. he didn't even treat me well. why the hell was i with him? ugh. but whatever it is, i have moved on. it just that i have a few moment in my life where i will think about my past, especially the bad ones. just for self-reflection. so that i will never repeat the same mistake again.
so, lessons learned, kids. remember that always careful about something that you gotta say about someone. it might be one of their insecurities. and for you to point that out to them, will be the biggest nightmare and will scar them for life. just remember that our insecurities doesn't revolve around our physical appearances only.
and another lesson from this post is, if that person don't treat you well and ignore you, just leave them. they are not worth any attention to you. get you a person who can treat you like a normal human being. that can accept you and learn how to deal with your flaws. don't let them tell you what to do. just be you. if that person can't accept you for being yourself, then what are you waiting for? cause someone out there could love you more. (okay, to be fair, that was troye sivan's lyrics from lost boy but screw it. i like the lyrics and it speaks the truth.)
any way, if you don't feel loved when you are around someone that you love, then just walk away. you are loved. i promise you. but not by them. okay?
i think that's for it now. i don't have anything else to say. i miss writing so much. i do have a lot of things to talk about. i just don't know how to put it into proper words and it is just to much that i don't know where on earth should i begin. i'll try to post as often as i could since i haven't started my school yet. so yeaaahhh. gotta gowww.
guddbai guddbai,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, reflecting, thoughts
53. Love ♥
written on Monday, February 15, 2016 @ 1:20 AM ✈
hello everybody~ how are you? good? good. no? i'm sorry. but whatever it is, i though i'd make another midnight posts because i like to ramble a lot during midnight, apparently aha. so yeah. also, i think i might change the way i post things. to be honest, i don't feel very enthusiast with my fangirl friday. i mean, i do love to talk about them, but i feel like it's limited with words. so i think i might cut that off. i don't know about friday i'm in love, but i'll try make it happen because i have to post once a month anyway. so yeah, there's that.
but yeah, since it's valentine's day yesterday, we're gonna talk about love, shall we? how ironic. nothing specific, just random. as that is what i do best. i don't celebrate valentine's day, but that doesn't mean i am not allowed to talk about love, right? so, to those who celebrate, happy valentine's day ♥ oh and mind you that i am having the worst headaches/migraine in the world <-- i'm just exaggerating, it's not the worst but it hurts quite a lot. so if anything that i will be saying in a couple of minute doesn't make sense, do apologise.
gotta have harry potter reference in any post possible aha
so, love. i don't know what to talk about really. back in the old days, i was a naive, "innocent" teenager who thought that i was matured. pffft. honestly, i cringe every time i think of that phase of mine. ew. i really thought that i have to be committed in every relationship that i was in. like i felt the need to be the best girlfriend of the year probably. and my goal was to be in a relationship more than a year or something and i achieved that, props to me. not. however, everything went down to waste. what a naive girl i was. little did i know, a few years later i will be the ultimate heartless bitch who couldn't care less about not having a boyfriend. in fact, i saviour every moment of it. seriously, if you are single, embrace it because you have at least one less problem to care about.
but it is not like i am anti-love or something like that, but i feel like "yeah whatever" when i think about relationship. i still have a crush and all (let's not talk about that). all i am thinking right now is my fictional boyfriends, books, and food. ah good ol' days.
once, i read a quote somewhere from twitter. it said, "love is a feeling, not a decision." and i used to agree with that. that love is a feeling; not a decision. but then, i stumbled upon a tweet about it. and it said, love is a decision after all. and since that day, my whole point of view has changed and let me tell you why.
feelings fade. no matter how hard you try to keep that feeling, at some point in your life you will find you don't love that person any longer, get bored or maybe outgrew from them. and it is true. i may have experienced it or i may not. so i think if you are moving on, it is just a matter of time that you will grew apart from that person. and what will remain is the memory that will cause you a problem. because whenever you miss someone, you will always come back to the memories that you had with them. you don't necessarily go to that person and tell them that you miss them. NOT REALLY. so if you are moving on, don't let the memory hang on the back of your mind. let the memory go, eventually you will let the person go as well.
you might think that what the freakin hell do you mean that love is a decision? how the hell do you decide that you love someone. okay, see. the thing is, as i said earlier that feelings fade, so all that's left for you is a choice. a decision for you to choose. you choose to love that person. you choose to be that person all over again. okay, this one, i don't mean for you to choose over a person again and again if they have cheated on you. nope. certainly do not. instead, i mean it in the way, i will choose you no matter how hard it is to be with you. for example, your partner have like a financial problems to deal with, but you are still there with them instead of dumping them. that is what i mean. we choose to love someone. even if we are mad at them. we choose to forgive them. not to stop loving them.
god, i feel like an old lady talking about this. but yeah, this is what i mean by love is a decision. indeed it is.
on the other hand, i find that most of us will usually end up with someone that doesn't appreciate us, but we love them any ways. do you get what i mean? yeah, that. the only reason to that is we accept the love we think we deserve. okay, now listen. if you can't be yourself whenever you are around them, they might not be the one. the person who loves us will always be the one who brings out the best version of ourselves. and that is how you become happy for being in a relationship with someone. but remember that to not be afraid to have a fight in a relationship because it is totally normal. i used to think that a happy relationship is a couple who never had a fight. i was wrong, really. however, i certainly do not mean a fight where one of you beating each other. that is abuse. if you are facing that, leave them.
my definition of soulmate is probably a person who can accept me how weird i am and do not bother to change the fact that i am just born as a weirdo. a person who i totally don't mind if i haven't been taling to for a long time, but when you talk to them after a long time, it feels like you haven't been missing a day of not talking them (does that make sense?). kinda like when we are with our best friends. you don't always have to talk to them to know that you are their friends, you just know that they are always there. a person who is a complete opposite of me. fire+fire=more fire. right? i always imagine that because i love to write, my partner will be the one who loves to read. so there, we can complete each other. but you know, people always said that if a fangirl likes you, then you are a lucky person. because fangirl has a quite high standard. and i find that, it is true hahaha. so, i think maybe i'd rather be in a relationship with a fictional characters rather than being in love with the wrong person.
i think i totally went all out about love hahaha. but yeah, don't worry if you are single. the best is yet to come. God saves the best for the last. have fun. there's nothing to worry about. fate has been written for you, just pray for the best. we are all created in pairs, aren't we? so, no worries. you still have your friends. saviour this moment as you are still single. once you are married, there will be barely any time for you to have a pamper evening, hang out with your friends. so no need the rush. be cool about it.
lol i am just saying this, but my heart is utterly broken because i will always be fanzoned by my favourite youtubers or i will never ever date my fictional boyfriend :(
weirdo.
so anyway, that is all i have to talk about love. what a post. i literally just mixed everything up in one post over a same topic. but yeah, i love you lots. oh and just a disclaimer, if you don't agree with me, i'm sorry. this is just my opinion. i am certainly NOT a love expert or something. i talk based on my experience.
Lots of Love,
L.
Labels: feelings, love, opinion, ramble
43. after midnight's thoughts
written on Tuesday, January 19, 2016 @ 1:38 AM ✈
SPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY NOT WORTH READING.
first off, i actually forgotten that i was supposed to update a blog post yesterday. as i am writing this, i am 52 minutes forward from yesterday. i am in da futureeeeee (and also the past by the time some of you read this). okay calm down. so basically this is me, updating a blog post 7 minutes to 1 in the morning. crazy, i'nit? no. not really. fair warning: this blog post is going to be super random as you are aware of the title. after midnight's thoughts. you all know what happen in your mind right when the clock struck 12 in the midnight. everything that you are thinking become deep. so deep, adele couldn't even roll it.
nowadays, i barely think about my past. because nothing good ever lived there. the darkness of my past was like some kind of a blob of a black paint on my life canvas somewhere. we all have the darkness in us, haven't we? so, all i am thinking right now is the present and sometimes the future which terrifies me, a LOT. the thought of turning 18 is scary. i am going to have to be a responsible adult in mostly everything that i do. and i am sitting here, wondering how to adult. i can barely speak in front of people without stuttering, so how the hell am i going to pay all the bills by myself? *shudders*
to think about it, exactly last year, i was not as happy as i am these days. i was at the unhappiest moments in my life. i am really grateful that i have finally moved on from that dark side of me. all i can hope was that for that darkness not to haunt me again. because i am already perfectly fine in my own. the most important thing is for me to stop myself from overthinking. doesn't matter if it is about the past or the future. just focus on the present. because thinking about future really makes me anxious which is not a good thing.
also, maybe if i try to tell myself frequently to stop caring about what others might think or feel about me so much, then maybe i have finally reached to another level of happiness. aha. boo hoo, people. say watcha gotta say. me don't care. mmm watcha sayyy~
midnight really makes my mind work really good. the way i write is probably different than usual, i guess. it is funny to think that i got an award for the best student in English (English only cause I suck in other subjects). because the truth is, i probably know only 5%-15% of words in English language. because the truth is we will never gain enough knowledge in our lifetime. that's why we will never stop learning. academically or theoretically. and the most mind blowing thing is that to compare ourselves with the the whole universe, we are just a speck of dust. yet we still matter in this world. without you and i, there are probably somebody else who wouldn't be or feel complete in their life. how Great is God. and how exquisite His creations are. beyond amazing.
told you, this entry will be way too deep. it's weird, right? how our minds do that. why do we thought about the most unquestionable things during the midnight? is it the surroundings? or is it the loneliness that we feel? okay, the more i think about. the weirder it feels for me. so maybe i'll just go off to bed, really. i have a really bad sleeping patterns these days, everyday this year. so let's just pray that liyana will be able to sort out her sleeping schedules so that she will feel as normal because that is how the human nature works. (that doesn't mean being different is not good, but having a not normal sleeping schedule is not to be proud of because you have different sleeping time with others. that is not different, that is just unhealthy.)
somebody really needs to get me off from here. the longer i stay, the weirder this post has become.
So Long and Good Night,
L.
okay i swear this is the last one but did someone sing to Helena by MCR when reading that? cause i do. ok guddbai guddbai
Labels: feelings, life, ramble, thoughts
29. leaving high school.
written on Saturday, October 31, 2015 @ 10:31 PM ✈
just a reminder. this might be a very lengthy post (and a very emosh one). you do not have to read it if you do not want to. but BRACE YOURSELF.
do you know that feeling when you're reading, that you don't want to end the book but you need and dying to know what the ending is? i feel the same way about leaving high school. i admit that there comes the time when i could not wait to leave high school and be free from all the tension and pressure. but now that i come towards the end of it, i realise that i actually do not want this to end. i do not want to leave high school. i am not yet ready to face the so-called real world. okay, think about it. we are going to leave the same routine that we have been doing for almost 11 years. i think i might have some kind of a love hate relationship with school. because, let's be real. leaving homeworks. BIG YES. leaving friends (or people). NONONONONOOOOO.
i think the reason i do not want to leave high school is mainly because i do not want to leave people. i fear of being forgotten and forgetting. i hate it when i forget people because i know what is it like to be forgotten. we have been building friendships and relationships for almost 5 years. the scariest bit of leaving high school is that you do not know if those people you have been together with for 5 years are going to stay or just be gone. are they the one, or the one that got away? that is why people say, the end is the beginning. once we end high school, we begin to know who has God sent to us to stay in our life and the ones who are not. the ones who matter to us the most might be not that kind of person to us anymore.
i would want to post this on my instagram but the caption would be a never-ending scroll. also, i would love to do an appreciation post to all of the people that mean the most to me but that would be impossible to do so. instead, i just do a blog post instead.
to those who i knew since kindergarten or primary school, or the ones who i knew since the beginning of high school, the ones who i used to love or hate or both, the ones who i just got close to this year, the ones who i just got to know (in the last two weeks of school) although we have been in the same school for 5 years or less than that, the ones who i fangirl with, the ones who share the same interest as mine but i just know about it in the last week of school (ugh sucks), the ones who i usually look from a distance and do not have the guts to talk to, to the teacher who is like my best friend now, the ones who used to be my friend to acquaintances to stranger (or vice versa), the ones who i do not talk to anymore but i used to be close (and might have some of my secrets), even to those who i barely talk to (or never have i ever) and not to forget to those who i exchange glances and smiles once in a while.
there are a lot of other people who i would like to mention but i would need an eternity to do so. i hope those people who read this know who they are without me mentioning their name. i just want you to know that all of you matter to me. no matter if you are still in my life or not. our path crossed with reasons. God has written the story of our lives without flaws. God has sent all of you into my life and God has sent me into your lives, with reasons. either as a lesson or a blessing.
this may be too cheesy or it does not even matter to you. some of you might gag reading this because let's be real, we will move on from this and probably another year from now, it would not matter to us any longer. but i just want to talk about it as long as it is still matter to me. i want to embrace it as long as it is still in my mind. because it has become a part of my life and i cannot not talk about it. this is the story that i am going to tell to my child later. this is the story of my life and i do not want to forget it. as worse as it can get, it is still the best memory that i have and i will take it with me in the pocket of my mind wherever i go.
it does feel good though, leaving high school. no more homeworks. no more studying stuffs that we are not eager to know. no more assembly. no more having to wake up early. but leaving high school also means, no more seeing your best friends five days a week or maybe more. no more screaming your teacher's name and wouldn't stop talking about how beautiful she can get each day, everyday. no more stupid inside jokes with your friend while the teacher is teaching. no more gossips. no more creeping and fangirling to your crush. no more hiding your classmates' stuffs. no more copying your friend's homework. no more horror story-telling by your teacher. no more EVERYTHING. and that is sad. talking about this just can make me hear my heart breaking louder and clearer than before.
to the teachers, i could not thank you enough for your supports. all the sacrifices yet we still wouldn't listen to all of you. sorry for being such a nuisance. thanks for being our best friends, sisters, brothers, and parents in school. without all of you, i wouldn't be where i am right now.
and to my english teachers and all of my other teachers,
this is for all of you. thank you for giving me support and inspire me to get better and do better each day.
to the 2015's alumnus of smkpg, i am glad that we were born in the same year. i am sorry for all of my wrongdoings, either vaguely done or not. i could not thank all of you enough for entering my life. even the little things matter. probably your smile had made my day before. i may not have given all of you a lot to remember. and i cannot promise you that i won't forget you because at some point in my life, i might will. and you might forget me as well. but i hope to God that i won't. just remember that, at some point in my life, you guys are the reason that i am still here.
to the juniors, please behave. create more memories because you are guiding your own story. it will be something that you will remember in the little side of your mind. do not burden the teachers. do not be mad at the teachers when they scold you because they won't be mad at you for nothing. they are doing what they are doing because that is what they are supposed to do. appreciate them. thank them. love them. be good. be kind. and for the drama people next year, you can do better without having to be trees to win ;)
all in all, good luck for spm and i believe in all of us. we can do this. may the best batch succeed.
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2014, 2015, feelings, friends, happiness, life, memories, school, thoughts
26. Big Bad Wolf Johor.
written on Saturday, June 6, 2015 @ 3:56 PM ✈
before i could scream to myself, i know. i haven't been posting for quite awhile. but that is because i am just lazy. no reason needed. haish. futhermore, i have a lot to tell just too hard to put it into words. i am still stuck with my short stories and all. i think i have to start over a new one. i am feeling a little bit fantasy inspired haha idk.
but anyway, i went to Big Bad Wolf Book Sale last Tuesday i guess with my favourite little one {Amira Farain} hehe. first of all, it was a fun day. it was a real unexpected fun day. you know the day when you just plan what you are going to do but it turned out pretty awesome? yeah. THAT kind of day.
big bad wolf was awesome. i wish i could go there again but i am quite broke at the moment so HAH till then, see you next year mr wolfy *wipes tears dramatically* hahaha but seriously. it was amazing. i bought FOUR books for RM30 only! How crazy is that? normally, i could get only one book for RM30. Big Bad Wolf saved my life as i haven't been buying new books lately. but yay!
we fangirled like crazy people might think we escaped from the asylum or something...
all because of books.
yep.
after that, we went to JBCC because we planned to eat dinner outside. so we walked around together. and then, we bumped into these guys...
a day full of ma faves awh hahahaha oh yeah Amira and I were wearing the same sweater hehehe #twinning4lyf. okay back to the topic hahaha, well we knew that the guys were there and i was kinda hoping that we would meet or what. then, as we were window shopping, suddenly they came up to us. i guess you can say i was surprise i nearly had a heart attack. how very dramatic of me. but really though.
after that, we talked for awhile and took selfie {obviously!} for a bit and thennnnnnn i met my cousin. see what i mean? favourite people. Amira and I then went to Bath & Body Works. like always, we fangirled a lot. we smelt almost everything in the shop before my cousin came in and told me to pick anything cheap hahaha so i picked the Mad About You fragrance mist. hahaha. she paid for it though. thanks kak nadiiii <3
we went to dinner before we went home hehe it was seriously such a fun day. thanks to ma favourite people! i looooooooove you guys so much <3 i smiled the whole through writing this blog post. even thinking about it makes me happy. idk sometimes the simplest thing in life can actually make you happy. so do whatever you want, you might create great memories with it, right? so, why not? ;)
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: 2015, bbw, big bad wolf, book, family, favourite, feelings, friends, happiness, happy, memories
23. Poetry #1
written on Tuesday, February 3, 2015 @ 10:13 PM ✈
little do you know, how i'm breaking while you fall asleep?
i am wide awake, staring at the ceiling, burning holes through them. my eyes linger closely on the cracks while i hear my heart is slowly breaking, close to crushing, to crying. as the breaking does its job, the numb feeling that i feel in my skin slowly increases.
little do you know, i'm still haunted by the memories?
in my mind, those memories we have created together wouldn't stop telling me that i miss you like hell has been opened again. but the voices in my head, oh how they sound like you, paraphrasing the last word you ever said to me, giving the chills down my spine, the same feeling that i got when i first heard it. it's echoing in every parts of me.
little do you know, i'm trying to pick myself up, piece by piece?
from the heart, now i can feel it starts to breaking in my bones, in my skins, in every places that your hands have ever been. i'm screaming so loud, yelling “HELP ME, I'M SHATTERING,” so very loud, but you still can't hear me. because your screaming voice in mine has overshadowed my own.
i loved you but you break me
—
little do you know, i know you're hurt while i'm sound asleep?
i saw your crying face, flashing in my vision every time i close my eyes. the uneasiness and the guilts are conquering me inside and out. and now i can feel the cut is getting deeper each time i try to move. it almost feel like a stab.
little do you know, all my mistakes are slowly drowning me?
i have made you cry for me, even bleed for me. and all the tears and blood are because of me. now they have created a sea inside, slowly but surely is raising up. i can barely breathe. so i gasped. motionlessly sinking at the bottom of my own fault.
little do you know, i'm trying to make it better, piece by piece?
have you not yet realise that i'm saving you? you could've died if you stayed longer. now i'm putting back together the broken pieces of you. i'm filled with the cuts, i deserve it. despite of what have i done, the cuts aren't enough. my love, please don't come near me. so then i'll be missing you, so i can slowly die for what i did to you.
i loved you so i break you
helloooooooo guysssss. hehehe. i haven't post quite awhile (at least for me). sorry, but i've been quite busy. furthermore, i don't know what should i post. i wanted to do a january favourite but idk what mine was hahaha (i'll try to recall). ALSO, i can't assure you when will i post the short fanfiction because i havn't continued writing it yet. i already have the idea for the ending. i just really need to work for it. so in the meantime, i create a poem which i rarely do. so if i have any error, please forgive me. this poem is inspired by a song, Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra. i know it's like freaking LONG, but bear with me :p i hope you like it ♥
Carpe Librum,
L.
Labels: feelings, life, my writings, poem, poetry, song, writings
22. do more of what makes you happy
written on Friday, January 23, 2015 @ 6:30 PM ✈
of course i'm going to find a reason to use harry potter references for my blog post. duh.
hello. it is time for a new blog post yeahhh! i have enter the second week of school. things are getting more complicated and stressful. but there's nothing bad to complain, i guess? at least, on the bright side, i get to study. some other people are dying to get an education.
what a positive vibe that is. hahaha. and alsooooo, i went for an audition. FOR DRAMA. i have always wanted to be in a play. (theater sounds fun!) but before this, i don't get the chance to. but once, my English teacher told me to act out a scene from a drama that we studied (Gulp and Gasp), and i kinda nailed it. she then said that i should enter drama. so then i did. i took it as a challenge. and i'm glad that i did, because i got the part :D
during that audition, we need to partner up and have to make up a situation. FORTUNATELY, my partner is also a potterhead ._. the world is small, i know. and we couldn't think any situation. so i suggested us to do an improvisation for harry potter. i used my short fanfiction (that i'm currently writing). ooohh sneak peek! not going to tell what was it about, because then it will be a spoiler :P but we did it :) the teacher liked it. we both got the part. and coincidentally, the judge is my English teacher. and now, she refers me as the girl who acted out a scene from harry potter hahaha. niceeee. although it was short, she said that we did amazing. couldn't be happier. (despite the fact that i have found another potterhead) also, there wasn't so much people auditioning for drama. so, there were only four people who got the part. and only 4 girls who went to the audition.
AND THEN, my dearest (last year's) english teacher, she said that she suggested me for public speaking hahahahahahaha. me? speaking in front of people? spontaneously?? i'm screwed, i thought. but then to think about it, why not? it sure worth the try, right? so, i'm going for the audition next week. wish me luck! i have to give a speech about fame. i have already done writing the text. and i have practiced. but, most of the time i stutter. surprisingly, i did it today. less stuttering.
i think that maybe this is the way for me to find myself. what i'm actually capable of. other than writing. of course, drama is already a new whole level for me. and public speaking is totally out of my comfort zone. but if i stay where i am for the rest of my life, then i won't be improving. don't you think that we should try and change ourselves for the better? sometimes, changing isn't something really bad. SOMETIMES. also, i can add up my co-curriculum's mark. why not kill two birds with one stone? well, without the killing part for sure.
so what i'm telling you is, do more of what makes you happy. despite the fact that people will tease or whatever, but WHO THE HECK CARES? it's your life. if you want to tell your crush that you like her/him, do it anyways. if you want to go and create a blog, why not? fire away. if you want to eat chocolate, then eat. don't think about what people say. why do you want your life to depend on what people say? your life is worth more than what they say. create memories, because that's what lasts forever. not only you'll gain experience, but you, too, will become happier. do you want to ever think "why didn't i do that?" when you're older, just because of afraid to get judged by other people? you weren't born to please people. well, i know that i do that all the time. like for an example, i wanted to do a youtube video but i'm too scared that people will make fun of me. but who knows, after i be in drama, i have the courage to do one? right? it's always a step to another level. no matter how slow it is.
so, screw what other people think. do what you want to do. say what you want to say (not bad things). be what you want to be. as long as it makes you happy.
go. make a change. for the better cause. you live once a lifetime. <- ( a fancier version to say YOLO) :P
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credit; WeHeartIt.
Labels: feelings, happiness, life, thoughts
21. it's okay not to be okay.
written on Saturday, January 17, 2015 @ 12:07 AM ✈
is it okay not to be okay?
we are humans. we have mixed feelings. we have our ups and downs. so it's okay not to be okay. feel however you feel. cry your eyes out, if that'll make you feel at least a little bit better. other people can't tell what we should happy. we don't know what awaits in the future. we won't always be happy. we could be happy today, but completely miserable the next day.
you should be grateful
you have everything, what do you mean you're not happy?
you shouldn't be sad, there's other people who have it worse.
STOP! you're making it worse.
it's normal to feel down sometimes. we're human after all. so stop telling people to not feel sad because they have a better life. shut up. you are not them. you are you, and your life is different from other people. we already have enough days of wearing mask to cover up the sadness, to hide our feelings by faking a smile. isn't it ridiculous? like we are not allowed to feel other things other than happy. screw what other people who told you what to do or what to feel. they are not walking in your shoes.
we sure can be happy again. of course, we can. we will always try our hardest to be happy again. sing your favourite song out loud. draw what you feel. reread your favourite book. take a walk in the park. dance your heart out (though you don't know how to dance). do more of what makes you happy. even if it's just a little thing. sometimes the little things can make us the happiest. still, it's hard to feel okay again after spent most of our times in darkness. but eventually, we will find the light. it's up to us, it's our choice to choose if we want to be happy again or vice versa.
You the only person alive who holds the key to your healin'.
ignore what other people say. they don't know a thing about us. and they barely knew what we've been through. of course, there's a lot of other people who have it worse, but different people have different capabilities. our mind can cope different things. if you're happy then you're lucky but you don't have to say mean things to others. just because you're happy, you can let other people down.
heh. i don't know why. i just got an idea for a blog post when i was listening to who you are by Jessie J. the title is from the lyrics. sorry for a short (kind of) blog post and sorry if any of these are a bit harsh. if you don't agree with what i said, it's alright. we have completely different opinion.anyways, i think i'm going to make a short fanfiction ;) idk yet. but i already have the ideas though! so wait for it :D
to those who are happy, stay happy and be happy that when other people look at you, they'll feel happy as well. to those who are not, darling, you'll be okay. you can make through this. you are strong. there is a brighter day for us, it just come out a little late because it'll be the best day for us <3
the rainbow always comes out after a long and heavy storm. stay the strongest version of you.
Carpe Librum,
L.
photo credits to WeHeartIt.
and some of the words are lyrics heheh <3
Labels: feelings, happy, life, sad, thoughts
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we live under the same sky
“To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.”
- James Allen Quotes
Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me,
what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered
because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that
I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone
who is life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts
or at least we are getting there.
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my sunshine
links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first
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link
coming soon....
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