43. after midnight's thoughts
Posted Tuesday, January 19, 2016 // 1:38 AMSPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY NOT WORTH READING.
first off, i actually forgotten that i was supposed to update a blog post yesterday. as i am writing this, i am 52 minutes forward from yesterday. i am in da futureeeeee (and also the past by the time some of you read this). okay calm down. so basically this is me, updating a blog post 7 minutes to 1 in the morning. crazy, i'nit? no. not really. fair warning: this blog post is going to be super random as you are aware of the title. after midnight's thoughts. you all know what happen in your mind right when the clock struck 12 in the midnight. everything that you are thinking become deep. so deep, adele couldn't even roll it.
nowadays, i barely think about my past. because nothing good ever lived there. the darkness of my past was like some kind of a blob of a black paint on my life canvas somewhere. we all have the darkness in us, haven't we? so, all i am thinking right now is the present and sometimes the future which terrifies me, a LOT. the thought of turning 18 is scary. i am going to have to be a responsible adult in mostly everything that i do. and i am sitting here, wondering how to adult. i can barely speak in front of people without stuttering, so how the hell am i going to pay all the bills by myself? *shudders*
to think about it, exactly last year, i was not as happy as i am these days. i was at the unhappiest moments in my life. i am really grateful that i have finally moved on from that dark side of me. all i can hope was that for that darkness not to haunt me again. because i am already perfectly fine in my own. the most important thing is for me to stop myself from overthinking. doesn't matter if it is about the past or the future. just focus on the present. because thinking about future really makes me anxious which is not a good thing.
also, maybe if i try to tell myself frequently to stop caring about what others might think or feel about me so much, then maybe i have finally reached to another level of happiness. aha. boo hoo, people. say watcha gotta say. me don't care.
midnight really makes my mind work really good. the way i write is probably different than usual, i guess. it is funny to think that i got an award for the best student in English (English only cause I suck in other subjects). because the truth is, i probably know only 5%-15% of words in English language. because the truth is we will never gain enough knowledge in our lifetime. that's why we will never stop learning. academically or theoretically. and the most mind blowing thing is that to compare ourselves with the the whole universe, we are just a speck of dust. yet we still matter in this world. without you and i, there are probably somebody else who wouldn't be or feel complete in their life. how Great is God. and how exquisite His creations are. beyond amazing.
told you, this entry will be way too deep. it's weird, right? how our minds do that. why do we thought about the most unquestionable things during the midnight? is it the surroundings? or is it the loneliness that we feel? okay, the more i think about. the weirder it feels for me. so maybe i'll just go off to bed, really. i have a really bad sleeping patterns these days, everyday this year. so let's just pray that liyana will be able to sort out her sleeping schedules so that she will feel as normal because that is how the human nature works. (that doesn't mean being different is not good, but having a not normal sleeping schedule is not to be proud of because you have different sleeping time with others. that is not different, that is just unhealthy.)
somebody really needs to get me off from here. the longer i stay, the weirder this post has become.
So Long and Good Night,
okay i swear this is the last one but did someone sing to Helena by MCR when reading that? cause i do. ok guddbai guddbai
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