Liyana | 1998 | MY
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• quarantine
• 2018.
• 2 Ogos 2018, 10:44 pagi.
• my b r a i n
• hello, again.
• come back
• -
• love: make you or break you?
• getting bad again.
• ?

lari,
aku bilang.

tapi kau masih terpaku,
statik di tempatmu.

aku datang dekat.
dekat lagi.

sehingga kulit kita bersentuhan,
sehingga hati kita bertautan.

aku dapat rasakan degupan.
tak tau sama ada--
itu debaran atau jeritan untuk dilepaskan.

baru sahaja hati aku mula mengenal tempatmu,
kau mengambil selangkah demi selangkah ke belakang,
dari tempatku.

lalu dapat ku rasakan,
kulit dan hatiku disiat.

maaf,
kau bilang.

tak mengapa,
aku bilang.
mengukir senyuman di bibir
yang mengikis jantung, pedih.

lari,
aku bilang.

lari,
seperti yang sudah aku bilang.

-L.D. "lari"

you know what sucks? when you miss someone, but you can't do anything about it. i can't even tell him that, because he doesn't feel the same way as i do. maybe, unrequited love is just one of the karma from not loving someone who loves you. but i get it. i don't mind that. i totally deserve the pain from all the damages that i've done. the damages that are totally beyond repair. and so now i wait. i don't know what am i waiting for. but i'm waiting.

maybe for you to come back. but that seems impossible now, does it? you have walked miles away and i'm still at the same place where i was standing when you left 2 years ago. my knees have grown weaker and weaker each day but my will and hope for you are still going on strong.

i wonder if somewhere in this universe, there is a world where you love me as much as i do. a universe where we live happily together. in which we fix things together instead of leaving. maybe somewhere in the universe, there is a world in which we didn't feel the pain of loving someone so much it hurts and aches in every part of your body.

or what if there is a parallel universe where i finally get to move on. since i don't want to move on from you because where the fuck am i supposed to go when you bring all of me with you on the day you left? i wish forgetting things is as easy as deleting photos and texts. it would be easier if the memory of you are deleted along with the photos and texts that i deleted few months before.

if only it's that easy. everywhere i go, it feels like there are traces of you everywhere. the harder i try to forget, the stronger the memories are. it's like they are trying to defy it. like they know something is going to happen. i don't know. i really hope that we meet again, and at that moment, you can finally see me.

the thing about you is that, i'd take you back in a heartbeat. even if there are 10 feet tall of walls that i built with my bare hands, when you came back to me, i'd tear that shit down in seconds. because all i want is just you. i won't be asking much.

please, come back?
i promise i won't ask anything back from you,
except for  y o u.

to be honest? to be fucking honest, i miss writing. i miss blogging. i miss having the ability to just write and write like the words just spill from my finger to the keyboard, and form the alphabets to beautiful words. i should have embraced the time where i can write beautiful things. i miss writing about him. i miss him.

basically, at this moment of my life, i'm just missing everyone and everything. it feels like i'm dying. if only i could turn back the time. i wouldn't want to change anything. i just want to pay attention to the little details of my surroundings, knowing that that was the only time that i have to absorb the memories and appreciate things. my heart sank to the thought of that. i can feel like i'm losing myself. a bit by bit. i feel like i was already fading away, but i didn't realise that until now.

everything and anything slips from my fingers, just like water. sand. whatever it is. i have lost the grip. i don't want to hold on any longer. the past is pulling me with all of its force. i am stuck. people told me to move on, but where the fuck am i supposed to go?

where do i start
from h e r e

but i don't want to. tell the earth to stop rotating. pause, earth. i want to look him in the eyes for as long as i can because we both know, there will be no next time.

hello. i know i haven't been updating this blog since what it feels like forever. but i'm in the mood to write something and there's this topic or thread that has been going on on twitter that has caught my attention, and finally have had me thinking for the past few hours. the thread was about a best friend performing (is that the right verb?) sihr to his best friend because he got rejected by a girl who happens to be the best friend's fiancee. here's a link to the thread, and you can read it if you like (1 2)

at first, when i read the tweets, i don't feel anything but sorry for the victim and mad at the best friend. but then, when i read the second thread, it got me thinking. how much pain that he had to go through to act in such way. in the most inhumane way possible that he cause death to someone's love of their life. but no matter how much pain that he went through, it still does not justify his actions.

but it is still heartbreaking, to think that, someone who has been so nice to you your whole life, betrayed you in such ways that can't make you forget about it. it's heartbreaking how it is all being done because of love. you see, love makes us do stupid stuff. some of us sacrifice for love, pour all of our efforts for love, some even would kill for love. so it does not surprise me that when love breaks us, it makes us change into someone that we don't even think that we would turn into. when love breaks us, the pain is overwhelming. and that's how pain changes people. love changes people. when we are in love, we should know that chances are we are going to end up with a lot of pain. even when we were prepared to be in pain, we are never prepared to face the pain.

i'm saying this based on my own experience. not as intense, but still the pain was enough to make me wanting to stop it in a tragic way possible. i don't know what to say. this is not an advice, this is just a story that i think needed to be shared. because most people fell in love. so this is what we know that will come.

so that's love. it can either make you; or break you.

i'm debating with myself whether or not i should post this because it's not as good as i want it to be. 

i swear to god, all of my recent posts are a bit depressing, are they not? well, i didn't choose to have this depressing life, so... but somehow, things just started to happen. i mean, life. life just started to happen. and i am stuck in the darkness once again. but the scariest thing is that i have began to get used to it. like walking to a familiar place, receiving the familiar feeling of being home. that sounds dangerous, am i right? well, i don't know. i thought when i have found the light at the end of the tunnel, i won't have to deal with this any longer. but it seems like, another tunnel is waiting for any moment, any where. so expect less kids, not the highest. false hope is dream crusher. this post won't be long as i wouldn't want to rub my sorrow in your faces. so, good night. see you when i see you.

first of all, welcome... to myself? to you? idk but welcome to my newly edited blog. hah after all this time i have been having some troubles with editing my blog. feels good to see a new design. i hope you all like it, because i do. and i don't care if you don't. it's mine after all.

kayyyyyy enough with all of that. i just feel like writing something. well, sorry for using you when i am feeling like, dear blog. whatever. i don't know. i don't feel that good. is it because of my hormones? post menstrual syndrome? (wait, is that a thing?) but, all that i know is, i don't feel that good. i feel like i'm kind of disconnected with the people around me, or the world even. i mean i sure i had a dream where i was being sucked to another world, but i tried so hard not to let myself enter that universe. i tried to wake up, and i did. thank god. it happened like few nights ago. i don't know why i'm telling you this or if it has any correlation with each other. it is just that, i don't knowwww it feels different. i can't write like how i used to. is this what is it to feel like being replaced with another you from the parallel universe? can i have my old self back?

aaaa i hate myself.

this post is so raw.

but whatever.

i might as well just off with myself.

SHIT. what if i'm starting to get into that freaking hellhole again? shitshitshitshitshit

don't mind if i do, because all i want to do right now is sleep and sleep and sleep.

i can feel the exhaustion, though. the lethargy. i hate myself.

like i said, this post is so raw.

idk, i have lost all of my words.

thank you. goodbye.

i haven't been writing for quite awhile, some time now. i don't know. it feels like i cannot function. some of the words seem to get stuck in my head. like i have amnesia or something. i used to write smoothly. at first i thought maybe it's just a writer's block. i still think it is. but i don't know. it feels like something much deeper than that. even talking about this makes me hate myself so much. because it hurts, not being able to do things that you used to be good at. probably i just didn't try hard enough.

i am kinda blacked out, for passed few months or weeks, i don't know. i have lost my counts. i mean, i don't know if it's depression and anxiety. i think it is, quite certain, even. but then i used to go to the counselling session in the hospital, but the counselor said that it was nothing. like it's just a phase. nothing's bad. then, i went home and started to live a normal life. i think it is. it has been good for like a year or less than that. but then it came back. so, is it just a phase? am i just making this up?




what i felt was like empty and heavy at the same time. i don't know how to describe it. it is either i feel nothing, or i feel everything at once, or both. i mean, i do have some happy moments. i can laugh, smile, be happy with my friends. but then, it didn't last long. and there are some of the time where i feel nothing. a total numbness. sometimes i think that my brain might be tricking me or some sort. like maybe it's sadness. but i know for sure that this is not sadness. or maybe it is. maybe i am just exaggerating. we'll never know. but it kinda sucks. i mean, feeling nothing, and everything, all at once. is this normal? i don't know how to seek help. i just talk to my friends and my boyfriend, that's all. at least, that makes me feel less burdened.





but then, there also comes the time, where i was sitting alone by myself, feeling totally okay with it, having some time with myself. and then,.. PANG! there comes the suicidal thoughts that i thought would be gone for good and for ever. it came again. no, i don't want to die. no, thank you. i mean, dying is scary, i don't have problems with dying. but i don't need to think of it. i used to want it, but now i don't. i don't even feel like i want to die. but then, the thought comes. it has been there before and in consequence to the event of my suicidal thoughts, i often forget to look both sides before crossing the road. i don't know why. i still am. i don't want to die, that's for sure. but somehow i just feel like i should want to die.

it scares me that what if one day, my body stops fighting. and then, i'd choose to do it. i don't know. what if, one day i started to defy mother nature. is that how suicidal people feel? like they don't want it but something is making them doing it.

and another thing, my addiction: self-harming. relapsing is another thing. i don't fucking know how to deal with this one. i am happy. i feel happy. at least i think i do. or maybe i just feel like i don't have a good reason to harm myself. but still, i do. it pains me that i have to hold myself from doing it. all the mental pain actually turns into physical pain. i can actually feel the pain. and then i do it, to take over the pain that i have been feeling. i feel like i am in control with the pain with how deep i want the cut to be.



what bugs me a lot is when i got cuts by accident, and said that the cut hurts, people started to say things like"you used to cut, you are supposed to be immune from feeling the pain, right?" "i mean, you cut yourself. you should get used to it." what people don't understand is that it's different. accidental cuts, i don't have the control on how much of the pain that i want to feel. there's nothing similar with self-harming.

i also have been trouble sleeping. sleep paralysis, i got that quite a lot. and it is scary. i feel suffocated. i either starve myself of stuff myself with food. i don't know. everything is different. is it hormonal? i hope so. because i'm tired of people telling me to go out and talk to people, be happy, etc. it's not like i don't do that. i did. but it didn't work. it is as though people are telling me to do this, this, and this. but it didn't help. they are handling me the manual of surviving, but the manual is blank. i don't know. i've tried.



right now i am just surviving. i have forgotten how to live. sometimes, i am jealous of someone who can actually feel things the way they should feel. i missed being normal again. i want to feel happy, sad and then happy again. but i can't. it seems like i am hopeless. i don't have hopes of feeling happy anymore. i don't want this. i want normal. let me be normal. let me live. i want to be a kid so bad. i don't want to feel this kind of thing. i don't know anything anymore. i just, don't know. i am tired. i feel lethargic.

3/4/2016 — Sunday.

we scream louder than the thunder
left us with a burning throat
the truth is, once we've settled down;
none of our voices were being heard.

tears fall down like a heavy downpour,
hidden sobs shake our rusty old lungs.
when the hand reaches to wipe it all off,
the tears were never there;
only the fresh scars that stung.

people watch; but what do they see?
“we're here and so do we care.”
but how much do they really mean?
they all hand us a diamond
that were mistaken for a glass
when they have seen the mess that
they all caused,
they flee away, at last.

how many times, sweetheart,
tell me, how many?
you looked into their eyes
with yours that scream “save me!”
with a smile as sweet as honey,
for they never truly see,
how much you are breaking
holding yourself from drowning
in the depth of sorrow's sea.

—L.D

accidentally forgotten this one. ugh. 

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

29/4/2016 — Friday.

you said that,
everything will be okay in the end.
but mum, why didn't you tell me?
a few of couple burns later,
a little now and a little then,
the sparks of fire will bring back
those burning sensation.
although the matches were never lit
and the flames were never burned.
just the nostalgic and traumatic experience.

you told me about the ending,
“everything will be alright, dear!”
but dad, what about the rising plot
and the climax before we hit the
dead end of the road?
leaving me feeling like i am dead.
because never once you told me that
when i put others as my happiness,
that's how i fall into self-destruction.
so maybe alright is not enough for me
when i have been crushed into dust
and blended in with the poisonous air.

the teachers never told me that
the moment i reached the recovering point,
it will never be the last i will get recovered.
because hey, a few relapses wouldn't hurt.
the crunching bones from my spine
echoed for lying too long on the bed,
when i'm thinking about the boy in my class
who vowed to never leave me
and solemnly swore that he will love
every inch of me and my darkness,
but ended up leaving me as soon as he bleed
when his gentle hands touched my sharp demon-like claws.

so, i covered myself with the fur
from the beast that i can never kill
because it has forever lived
underneath my flesh, bone and skin.
the darkness has been inside for so long
that it feels like home when it comes
to visit me, when they heard every lies
that i said when people ask me,
"how are you?"

this is a battle cry.
i repeat, this is a battle cry.
the pain that comes and goes frequently
never truly left me alone
even when, even when i feel better
the bitter are bothered by seeing
my faux smile and forced laughter.
because it knows for a fact that
i am never truly healed,
i just left the scars
untouched, untreated, unstitched.
so when it pokes me in the wound,
i fall into my knees,
begging with a plea to never come back
and to please leave me in peace.

with trembling hands, i twist the knob
to let the demons in and decided that
it could stay for another few months
until i finally feel that i deserve
a whole another journey of recovery.
but i am wrong, of course.
because this time, i am fatigued
with all the long pauses and breaks
before the ending comes.
so i just fell into the hole of giving up,
“hey, welcome, how may i help you?
drugs, blades, alcohol, punches,
or falling in love with the wrong person?”
and i choose with whichever
that can overlap my pain the best.

my thoughts are filled
with perhaps and maybes, that
just like when we miss the wrong people
every now and then,
we miss feeling the pain that burns.
maybe that's why, that's why
people don't let go of something that
breaks,
bruises,
wounds,
and scars them.
because holding on to pain feels
much less hurtful than
relapsing into the a whole new pain of
missing them again, and again, and again.

so, i quit reaching to the end.
and choose to stay at the pauses
with the pain instead.

—L.D., “darkness comes to visit.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

28/4/2016 — Thursday.

shaking lungs, uneven heartbeat.
i breathe through all the dust,
gritting teeth out of the rust.
forced smile, awakened silence.
taking it in, as people pulling it out.

"i dare you, to look me in the eyes and say
that you are sick. you are fucking sick in
the brain that you don't make any sense
in this world, any longer."

i gave up.

i look away. because let's be real,
people always need an evidence
for every single thing in this mad world.
and i cannot fucking
take out my brain and heart
and show it to them how much it is
damaged, bruised, and wounded,
they'll laugh every time.
because if you cannot see it;
it was never really there, right?

"pull your shit together, hun."

i am indeed.
shaking, trying to get a grip
of all my broken pieces that are
slowly, but surely is falling apart.
as i hold another pieces,
the other one falls.

"why are you so lazy?
get out of your room."

i am not.
it just hurts every time i move.
do you even understand at all?
the sharp edges scratch me
and cut me open till i bleed.
bleed, and bleed, and bleed away.
wishing that i can bleed the demons out,
but i lose my sanity a lot more
than the blood that bleed from
the unstitched battle scars.

it is hard to make people believe,
when they do not fucking care
in the very first place, is it not?

—L.D.

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

26/4/2016 — Tuesday.

i have never been in love with a moon
more than i do right now
but how did i fail to remember that
there are phases of moon
and when the time has come,
the moon will be completely gone
from the night sky
and all that's there is just myself,
sitting alone in the darkness
with the sound of midnight's silence.

the phases of moon goes from
full moon to half moon;
and half moon to crescent
into a complete darkness.
leaving me with all that familiar feelings;
the same as how your love towards me
fades away bit by bit.
and when it is the time of the month,
the feeling that was there is all gone.

so is there any possibilities
for me to run away from you,
thinking that i've gone far enough?
because don't you remember
that when we were in single-number age,
we always thought that the moon
is following us everywhere we go?

and i ended up running in circles,
as i thought that i have run far enough
i am actually closer to the starting line
than i ever did before.
or maybe i'm just running in denial
because i never want to be
far away from the presence of the moon
and never have i ever want to
lose my sight away from you.

—L.D., "so, please, dear moon, forget to fall down from the sky."

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

6/4/2016 — Wednesday.

i fell in love with a painter.
at first, he drew me,
but then, he drew all over me.
red splashes all over when
he splats the paint away.
the purple began to appear,
when i left it couple of days.
black and blue & black and blue,
i'm confused if that's the feeling
that i'm feeling
or is that the colours that i see
up under my pale skin.

—L.D., “he left me with colours that nobody else can see with their bare eyes.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

2/4/2016 — Saturday.

if you were to be a fictional character; you'd be the one that makes everyone happy in spite of getting hurt. you'd be the one who will carve a smile on everyone's faces even if you have to carve your own skin. you'd be the one who thought that your existence doesn't really matter when your companion can be convenient to some. you'd be the one with the blue eyes although the actual colour is dark brown; whose smile fakes a yellow bright sun. you would be all these things in the morning. but when the sky darkens, and clock struck past 12, you shifted into someone you knew. someone you hide under your skin, scared of showing your own scars. people talk, people see; but do they ever really speak to you and watch closely? deep within, you have been hurt numerous times but you played that happy character so well, that even you started to believe it. you keep yourself busy by making someone else happy, when someone else is watching you from afar on how you try to mend your broken heart. you'd be the one with thoughts that will never shut up when you are on your own. you think, you wait, but for what it costs, you don't know what's actually holding you back in mind. you'd be the one that never see their own beauty, but appreciate others tremendously. if you were to be written as a fictional character; i'd fall in love with you deeply.

—L.D

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

30/3/2016 — Wednesday.

how screwed am i;
when i let my curtains down at night
just so that i can see the moonlight
peaks in through my window
every now and every then?

how screwed am i;
when i feel like i don't mind
a little light from the moon
when i used to the darkness
for so long that i forgot
how beautiful the moon is?

how screwed am i;
that i can't wait for the day to end
because i have been longing
for the night sky and the moonlight
to keep me company for when
i can't sleep at night?

all of my past lovers are the stars
but you know what the people say,
“the stars are dead but the light is not,”
that's why the memories still haunt me
but your presence lights up
the darkness inside of me
and make me forget how broken
was i before you came.

so, sweetheart, tell me how screwed am i;
when i don't care if i'm screwed
to be in love with the moon that much
to be in love with the moon, that is you.

—L.D “so, honey, if you are the moon, i don't care how screwed am i as the gravity has chosen us to fall for each other.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

hi guys. sorry for not updating the blog *blows off dust* the reason i have been gone is because my laptop was kinda spoiled. i couldn't connect it with the internet. but today i decided that maybe i could try to press here and there. and oh yeah, it works baby. 

hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?

Labels: feelings, life, ramble, reflecting, thoughts

hello? i guess? god, i haven't updated my blog for what it seems like, centuries. i was feeling so unmotivated. i do have a lot of things to talk about but i don't seem to have the motivation to put into words. a lot of things has happened this few weeks. one of them is i got my SPM result. i got 4A2B1C2D. don't ask. but gladly, luckily, i got A+ for my english. couldn't be happier. i do not have anything to complain about my results, really. i am really grateful with what i have been given. but it seems like some of them are not satisfied with it. why do they have to make me feel like i am being less ungrateful? ugh.

Labels: ramble

Labels: 2016, life, life lessons, opinion, ramble, reflecting

okay here's a thing. somehow, i find that one of the hardest question or one of a question with an infinite answer is "what is your favourite song?" and most of the time, i will just tell them about my current favourite song. it is impossible for me to answer an instant i have been questioned that question. i think i might have to sit down for a few days and write down all the songs that i love. then, i will be coming up to you with what-it-seems-like-a-harry-potter-and-the-order-of-the-phoenix but it is not. it is just as thick as that and when you read it, you will find that it is actually a list of my favourite songs.

however, in this post i won't be only talking about the songs that i love. but these are the songs that actually speaks for me. and you will find that most of the songs are actually instrumental and it is accurate. because sometimes, not even words can describe what do you feel inside, right? the songs that i will be giving out mostly have the lyrics that i found that even myself, can barely decipher thoroughly into it. instead, it will just end up with me thinking about that sing even more, trying to find and understand the lyrics, or what the story behind it. long story short, these are the songs that the lyrics or just the musics haunt me for ever.


and now that i have the song listed on my brain, i just realised that almost all of the songs are the only song that i heard and loved by a singer/band that i am not that obsessed with. (does this make sense?) and being the band obsessed as i am, i find that it is hard for me to choose only ONE SONG that i love from that band. that is just impossible. so none of the song that will be listed are from the bands or singer that i am obsessed with.

i just have to list the instrumentals first.

1. Nuvole Bianche -  Ludovico Einaudi.

this song is just pure perfection. i find that this song gives me a roller coaster emotion. it starts of slow and in the middle it just blew me away. this is the song that gets me to dance although i am not a dancer; even terrible at it. it just hits me in the right place. oohhh, and fun fact, this song is in the movie Insidious. i was actually trying to find the song that Renee was singing with the piano and found this one instead. it is in the scene where they have moved into a new house and found somebody changing the song to Tiptoe Through The Tulips and dancing to it. it was the song before that.

2. Lux Aeterna - Clint Mansell.

well, this one, also was a main theme from a movie Requiem for a Dream. the story behind this happened recently actually. i was looking at the synthesia thing on youtube, because i was obsessed with piano instrumental at the moment. and then, i saw in the recommended section but it was entitled Requiem of a Dream and i was attracted by the title. and when the song started, i knew by that moment, i was screwed. just like Nuvole Bianche, the song starts of slow and in the middle of it, it just caused a riot in my heart. and there was this one time when i was listening to the full original version of it, not the piano instrumental version, when i was in the mall with my family. and in the piano instrumental, it wasn't a full version. so when i started to listen to the full original version of it, in the mall, i got chills and i was just starstrucked by it. and i just had to watch the movie which i find it quite interesting. not my favourite but it is a nice movie. i ended up in tears which i always do, so no surprise.

3. Runaway - Dance Moms.

okay, this one actually i don't know what's the title because i found it on dance moms. it just happened to be the song from my most favourite group routine.; runaway/children with guns. when i rewatch the sow, i was mad because in the show they didn't really use the title children with guns and they didn't include the newscast. and i am super annoyed because the dance routine is just amazing and the story behind it just ahhhh. YOU MUST WATCH IT. i just love it so much i don't know why. but i am going to leave a video here.



7. All Time Low - Stacy Clark.

i found this song from the awesomenesstv series with amanda steele on it called guidance. and in the second episode of it, if i am not mistaken, the counsellor interviewed a guy, i don't know what their relationship were. but this song started to play when they guy saw the girl dancing. when i listened to the lyrics thoroughly, i just... felt connected to it. it is so damn accurate??? but the lyrics are pretty self-explanatory. but the meaning just got me like... that explains me in a love life at that moment? aha. don't judge me.

12. Strange - Tokio Hotel ft. Kerli.

THIS SONG IS MY MOST FAVOURITE. i can't even describe how much i love this song. this song is me in a song. when people ask me to describe myself in song, i would give them this song. every lyrics of it. i found this song when i'm trying to find the song from Sala Samabojcow (Suicide Room) <-- one of my favourite song. then i found this song instead even though this song is not the soundtrack of the movie. gurllll, it's the soundtrack of me, i tell you. hahaha. and they don't even have the music video, somebody just make an edit of this song and the movie suicide room. it is so relatable. i don't know how to put it into words. really.


13. Stupid Now - Drew Monson.

GOTTA SAVE THE BEST FOR THE LAST OKAYYYY THIS SONG IS MY MOST FAVOURITE SONG AS WELL. this is the first and strange is also the first. get it? both are my first most favourite. drew monson, if any of you who did not know (how dare you) is actually a youtuber. and my favourite as well. he is a friend of shane dawson. you might want to look drew's channel like i'm not even kidding. he is amazing. he is hilarious. just search mytoecold on youtube and binge watch it.

at first, i didn't even know he can sing or has a singing channel. i just found it when i saw his My Youtube Drama video. in the end of the video, he played piano and i was completely starstrucked by it. he just played it so effortlessly yet still so beautiful. so i just read the comments and found out his singing channel: thepophefakes. and i am grateful for it. his songs are beautiful. please listen to it. he is like lowkey musically talented. i am so sad that he doesn't get the attention that he deserved to get. the lyrics to this song is just completely moving. he also made a video about the song. what the lyrics meant. and you have to watch it as well. it is the most crucial part. because when i first listen to it, i don't really understand the song. but when i watched the video, i get the whole meaning of it and i am just so in love with it.

Labels: favourite, music, opinion, ramble, song

hello everybody~ how are you? good? good. no? i'm sorry. but whatever it is, i though i'd make another midnight posts because i like to ramble a lot during midnight, apparently aha. so yeah. also, i think i might change the way i post things. to be honest, i don't feel very enthusiast with my fangirl friday. i mean, i do love to talk about them, but i feel like it's limited with words. so i think i might cut that off. i don't know about friday i'm in love, but i'll try make it happen because i have to post once a month anyway. so yeah, there's that.

but yeah, since it's valentine's day yesterday, we're gonna talk about love, shall we? how ironic. nothing specific, just random. as that is what i do best. i don't celebrate valentine's day, but that doesn't mean i am not allowed to talk about love, right? so, to those who celebrate, happy valentine's day ♥ oh and mind you that i am having the worst headaches/migraine in the world <-- i'm just exaggerating, it's not the worst but it hurts quite a lot. so if anything that i will be saying in a couple of minute doesn't make sense, do apologise.

Labels: feelings, love, opinion, ramble

Labels: #fangirlfriday, happiness, obsession, popular

pt. II – how the breaker breaks the broken.

i'm telling you, honey. i'm telling you.
maybe you just turn your back to me,
have yet to move anywhere.
or that you just cover your wounds,
with a bandaid that keeps falling off.
because as soon as our eyes meet,
your heart finds its way back to me,
and your wounds were opened, unhealed.

i'm telling you, sweetheart. i'm telling you.
maybe you did build the highest wall
and burn all the bridges down.
but you threw the keys away,
leaving the front door unlocked.
so when i come back knocking,
you will open the door at ease.

i'm telling you, my love. i'm telling you.
maybe it's not the matter of time
for the wounds to heal nor
how far you've tried to run away from me,
you keep coming back to the same spot,
where you started.

because, my dear,
maybe all it take was the fact that
i have been there before,
that i know how to win your heart back.
maybe all it take was for me to
hit the right spot to lead me back
to the right place.

because, maybe
all it take was the memories
that was ever there and never left.
because you are too afraid to forget.

—L.D “the crack on your heart leaves a space for me to come and go.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

lari,
aku bilang.

tapi kau masih terpaku,
statik di tempatmu.

aku datang dekat.
dekat lagi.

sehingga kulit kita bersentuhan,
sehingga hati kita bertautan.

aku dapat rasakan degupan.
tak tau sama ada--
itu debaran atau jeritan untuk dilepaskan.

baru sahaja hati aku mula mengenal tempatmu,
kau mengambil selangkah demi selangkah ke belakang,
dari tempatku.

lalu dapat ku rasakan,
kulit dan hatiku disiat.

maaf,
kau bilang.

tak mengapa,
aku bilang.
mengukir senyuman di bibir
yang mengikis jantung, pedih.

lari,
aku bilang.

lari,
seperti yang sudah aku bilang.

-L.D. "lari"

you know what sucks? when you miss someone, but you can't do anything about it. i can't even tell him that, because he doesn't feel the same way as i do. maybe, unrequited love is just one of the karma from not loving someone who loves you. but i get it. i don't mind that. i totally deserve the pain from all the damages that i've done. the damages that are totally beyond repair. and so now i wait. i don't know what am i waiting for. but i'm waiting.

maybe for you to come back. but that seems impossible now, does it? you have walked miles away and i'm still at the same place where i was standing when you left 2 years ago. my knees have grown weaker and weaker each day but my will and hope for you are still going on strong.

i wonder if somewhere in this universe, there is a world where you love me as much as i do. a universe where we live happily together. in which we fix things together instead of leaving. maybe somewhere in the universe, there is a world in which we didn't feel the pain of loving someone so much it hurts and aches in every part of your body.

or what if there is a parallel universe where i finally get to move on. since i don't want to move on from you because where the fuck am i supposed to go when you bring all of me with you on the day you left? i wish forgetting things is as easy as deleting photos and texts. it would be easier if the memory of you are deleted along with the photos and texts that i deleted few months before.

if only it's that easy. everywhere i go, it feels like there are traces of you everywhere. the harder i try to forget, the stronger the memories are. it's like they are trying to defy it. like they know something is going to happen. i don't know. i really hope that we meet again, and at that moment, you can finally see me.

the thing about you is that, i'd take you back in a heartbeat. even if there are 10 feet tall of walls that i built with my bare hands, when you came back to me, i'd tear that shit down in seconds. because all i want is just you. i won't be asking much.

please, come back?
i promise i won't ask anything back from you,
except for  y o u.

to be honest? to be fucking honest, i miss writing. i miss blogging. i miss having the ability to just write and write like the words just spill from my finger to the keyboard, and form the alphabets to beautiful words. i should have embraced the time where i can write beautiful things. i miss writing about him. i miss him.

basically, at this moment of my life, i'm just missing everyone and everything. it feels like i'm dying. if only i could turn back the time. i wouldn't want to change anything. i just want to pay attention to the little details of my surroundings, knowing that that was the only time that i have to absorb the memories and appreciate things. my heart sank to the thought of that. i can feel like i'm losing myself. a bit by bit. i feel like i was already fading away, but i didn't realise that until now.

everything and anything slips from my fingers, just like water. sand. whatever it is. i have lost the grip. i don't want to hold on any longer. the past is pulling me with all of its force. i am stuck. people told me to move on, but where the fuck am i supposed to go?

where do i start
from h e r e

but i don't want to. tell the earth to stop rotating. pause, earth. i want to look him in the eyes for as long as i can because we both know, there will be no next time.

hello. i know i haven't been updating this blog since what it feels like forever. but i'm in the mood to write something and there's this topic or thread that has been going on on twitter that has caught my attention, and finally have had me thinking for the past few hours. the thread was about a best friend performing (is that the right verb?) sihr to his best friend because he got rejected by a girl who happens to be the best friend's fiancee. here's a link to the thread, and you can read it if you like (1 2)

at first, when i read the tweets, i don't feel anything but sorry for the victim and mad at the best friend. but then, when i read the second thread, it got me thinking. how much pain that he had to go through to act in such way. in the most inhumane way possible that he cause death to someone's love of their life. but no matter how much pain that he went through, it still does not justify his actions.

but it is still heartbreaking, to think that, someone who has been so nice to you your whole life, betrayed you in such ways that can't make you forget about it. it's heartbreaking how it is all being done because of love. you see, love makes us do stupid stuff. some of us sacrifice for love, pour all of our efforts for love, some even would kill for love. so it does not surprise me that when love breaks us, it makes us change into someone that we don't even think that we would turn into. when love breaks us, the pain is overwhelming. and that's how pain changes people. love changes people. when we are in love, we should know that chances are we are going to end up with a lot of pain. even when we were prepared to be in pain, we are never prepared to face the pain.

i'm saying this based on my own experience. not as intense, but still the pain was enough to make me wanting to stop it in a tragic way possible. i don't know what to say. this is not an advice, this is just a story that i think needed to be shared. because most people fell in love. so this is what we know that will come.

so that's love. it can either make you; or break you.

i'm debating with myself whether or not i should post this because it's not as good as i want it to be. 

i swear to god, all of my recent posts are a bit depressing, are they not? well, i didn't choose to have this depressing life, so... but somehow, things just started to happen. i mean, life. life just started to happen. and i am stuck in the darkness once again. but the scariest thing is that i have began to get used to it. like walking to a familiar place, receiving the familiar feeling of being home. that sounds dangerous, am i right? well, i don't know. i thought when i have found the light at the end of the tunnel, i won't have to deal with this any longer. but it seems like, another tunnel is waiting for any moment, any where. so expect less kids, not the highest. false hope is dream crusher. this post won't be long as i wouldn't want to rub my sorrow in your faces. so, good night. see you when i see you.

first of all, welcome... to myself? to you? idk but welcome to my newly edited blog. hah after all this time i have been having some troubles with editing my blog. feels good to see a new design. i hope you all like it, because i do. and i don't care if you don't. it's mine after all.

kayyyyyy enough with all of that. i just feel like writing something. well, sorry for using you when i am feeling like, dear blog. whatever. i don't know. i don't feel that good. is it because of my hormones? post menstrual syndrome? (wait, is that a thing?) but, all that i know is, i don't feel that good. i feel like i'm kind of disconnected with the people around me, or the world even. i mean i sure i had a dream where i was being sucked to another world, but i tried so hard not to let myself enter that universe. i tried to wake up, and i did. thank god. it happened like few nights ago. i don't know why i'm telling you this or if it has any correlation with each other. it is just that, i don't knowwww it feels different. i can't write like how i used to. is this what is it to feel like being replaced with another you from the parallel universe? can i have my old self back?

aaaa i hate myself.

this post is so raw.

but whatever.

i might as well just off with myself.

SHIT. what if i'm starting to get into that freaking hellhole again? shitshitshitshitshit

don't mind if i do, because all i want to do right now is sleep and sleep and sleep.

i can feel the exhaustion, though. the lethargy. i hate myself.

like i said, this post is so raw.

idk, i have lost all of my words.

thank you. goodbye.

i haven't been writing for quite awhile, some time now. i don't know. it feels like i cannot function. some of the words seem to get stuck in my head. like i have amnesia or something. i used to write smoothly. at first i thought maybe it's just a writer's block. i still think it is. but i don't know. it feels like something much deeper than that. even talking about this makes me hate myself so much. because it hurts, not being able to do things that you used to be good at. probably i just didn't try hard enough.

i am kinda blacked out, for passed few months or weeks, i don't know. i have lost my counts. i mean, i don't know if it's depression and anxiety. i think it is, quite certain, even. but then i used to go to the counselling session in the hospital, but the counselor said that it was nothing. like it's just a phase. nothing's bad. then, i went home and started to live a normal life. i think it is. it has been good for like a year or less than that. but then it came back. so, is it just a phase? am i just making this up?




what i felt was like empty and heavy at the same time. i don't know how to describe it. it is either i feel nothing, or i feel everything at once, or both. i mean, i do have some happy moments. i can laugh, smile, be happy with my friends. but then, it didn't last long. and there are some of the time where i feel nothing. a total numbness. sometimes i think that my brain might be tricking me or some sort. like maybe it's sadness. but i know for sure that this is not sadness. or maybe it is. maybe i am just exaggerating. we'll never know. but it kinda sucks. i mean, feeling nothing, and everything, all at once. is this normal? i don't know how to seek help. i just talk to my friends and my boyfriend, that's all. at least, that makes me feel less burdened.





but then, there also comes the time, where i was sitting alone by myself, feeling totally okay with it, having some time with myself. and then,.. PANG! there comes the suicidal thoughts that i thought would be gone for good and for ever. it came again. no, i don't want to die. no, thank you. i mean, dying is scary, i don't have problems with dying. but i don't need to think of it. i used to want it, but now i don't. i don't even feel like i want to die. but then, the thought comes. it has been there before and in consequence to the event of my suicidal thoughts, i often forget to look both sides before crossing the road. i don't know why. i still am. i don't want to die, that's for sure. but somehow i just feel like i should want to die.

it scares me that what if one day, my body stops fighting. and then, i'd choose to do it. i don't know. what if, one day i started to defy mother nature. is that how suicidal people feel? like they don't want it but something is making them doing it.

and another thing, my addiction: self-harming. relapsing is another thing. i don't fucking know how to deal with this one. i am happy. i feel happy. at least i think i do. or maybe i just feel like i don't have a good reason to harm myself. but still, i do. it pains me that i have to hold myself from doing it. all the mental pain actually turns into physical pain. i can actually feel the pain. and then i do it, to take over the pain that i have been feeling. i feel like i am in control with the pain with how deep i want the cut to be.



what bugs me a lot is when i got cuts by accident, and said that the cut hurts, people started to say things like"you used to cut, you are supposed to be immune from feeling the pain, right?" "i mean, you cut yourself. you should get used to it." what people don't understand is that it's different. accidental cuts, i don't have the control on how much of the pain that i want to feel. there's nothing similar with self-harming.

i also have been trouble sleeping. sleep paralysis, i got that quite a lot. and it is scary. i feel suffocated. i either starve myself of stuff myself with food. i don't know. everything is different. is it hormonal? i hope so. because i'm tired of people telling me to go out and talk to people, be happy, etc. it's not like i don't do that. i did. but it didn't work. it is as though people are telling me to do this, this, and this. but it didn't help. they are handling me the manual of surviving, but the manual is blank. i don't know. i've tried.



right now i am just surviving. i have forgotten how to live. sometimes, i am jealous of someone who can actually feel things the way they should feel. i missed being normal again. i want to feel happy, sad and then happy again. but i can't. it seems like i am hopeless. i don't have hopes of feeling happy anymore. i don't want this. i want normal. let me be normal. let me live. i want to be a kid so bad. i don't want to feel this kind of thing. i don't know anything anymore. i just, don't know. i am tired. i feel lethargic.

3/4/2016 — Sunday.

we scream louder than the thunder
left us with a burning throat
the truth is, once we've settled down;
none of our voices were being heard.

tears fall down like a heavy downpour,
hidden sobs shake our rusty old lungs.
when the hand reaches to wipe it all off,
the tears were never there;
only the fresh scars that stung.

people watch; but what do they see?
“we're here and so do we care.”
but how much do they really mean?
they all hand us a diamond
that were mistaken for a glass
when they have seen the mess that
they all caused,
they flee away, at last.

how many times, sweetheart,
tell me, how many?
you looked into their eyes
with yours that scream “save me!”
with a smile as sweet as honey,
for they never truly see,
how much you are breaking
holding yourself from drowning
in the depth of sorrow's sea.

—L.D

accidentally forgotten this one. ugh. 

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

29/4/2016 — Friday.

you said that,
everything will be okay in the end.
but mum, why didn't you tell me?
a few of couple burns later,
a little now and a little then,
the sparks of fire will bring back
those burning sensation.
although the matches were never lit
and the flames were never burned.
just the nostalgic and traumatic experience.

you told me about the ending,
“everything will be alright, dear!”
but dad, what about the rising plot
and the climax before we hit the
dead end of the road?
leaving me feeling like i am dead.
because never once you told me that
when i put others as my happiness,
that's how i fall into self-destruction.
so maybe alright is not enough for me
when i have been crushed into dust
and blended in with the poisonous air.

the teachers never told me that
the moment i reached the recovering point,
it will never be the last i will get recovered.
because hey, a few relapses wouldn't hurt.
the crunching bones from my spine
echoed for lying too long on the bed,
when i'm thinking about the boy in my class
who vowed to never leave me
and solemnly swore that he will love
every inch of me and my darkness,
but ended up leaving me as soon as he bleed
when his gentle hands touched my sharp demon-like claws.

so, i covered myself with the fur
from the beast that i can never kill
because it has forever lived
underneath my flesh, bone and skin.
the darkness has been inside for so long
that it feels like home when it comes
to visit me, when they heard every lies
that i said when people ask me,
"how are you?"

this is a battle cry.
i repeat, this is a battle cry.
the pain that comes and goes frequently
never truly left me alone
even when, even when i feel better
the bitter are bothered by seeing
my faux smile and forced laughter.
because it knows for a fact that
i am never truly healed,
i just left the scars
untouched, untreated, unstitched.
so when it pokes me in the wound,
i fall into my knees,
begging with a plea to never come back
and to please leave me in peace.

with trembling hands, i twist the knob
to let the demons in and decided that
it could stay for another few months
until i finally feel that i deserve
a whole another journey of recovery.
but i am wrong, of course.
because this time, i am fatigued
with all the long pauses and breaks
before the ending comes.
so i just fell into the hole of giving up,
“hey, welcome, how may i help you?
drugs, blades, alcohol, punches,
or falling in love with the wrong person?”
and i choose with whichever
that can overlap my pain the best.

my thoughts are filled
with perhaps and maybes, that
just like when we miss the wrong people
every now and then,
we miss feeling the pain that burns.
maybe that's why, that's why
people don't let go of something that
breaks,
bruises,
wounds,
and scars them.
because holding on to pain feels
much less hurtful than
relapsing into the a whole new pain of
missing them again, and again, and again.

so, i quit reaching to the end.
and choose to stay at the pauses
with the pain instead.

—L.D., “darkness comes to visit.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

28/4/2016 — Thursday.

shaking lungs, uneven heartbeat.
i breathe through all the dust,
gritting teeth out of the rust.
forced smile, awakened silence.
taking it in, as people pulling it out.

"i dare you, to look me in the eyes and say
that you are sick. you are fucking sick in
the brain that you don't make any sense
in this world, any longer."

i gave up.

i look away. because let's be real,
people always need an evidence
for every single thing in this mad world.
and i cannot fucking
take out my brain and heart
and show it to them how much it is
damaged, bruised, and wounded,
they'll laugh every time.
because if you cannot see it;
it was never really there, right?

"pull your shit together, hun."

i am indeed.
shaking, trying to get a grip
of all my broken pieces that are
slowly, but surely is falling apart.
as i hold another pieces,
the other one falls.

"why are you so lazy?
get out of your room."

i am not.
it just hurts every time i move.
do you even understand at all?
the sharp edges scratch me
and cut me open till i bleed.
bleed, and bleed, and bleed away.
wishing that i can bleed the demons out,
but i lose my sanity a lot more
than the blood that bleed from
the unstitched battle scars.

it is hard to make people believe,
when they do not fucking care
in the very first place, is it not?

—L.D.

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

26/4/2016 — Tuesday.

i have never been in love with a moon
more than i do right now
but how did i fail to remember that
there are phases of moon
and when the time has come,
the moon will be completely gone
from the night sky
and all that's there is just myself,
sitting alone in the darkness
with the sound of midnight's silence.

the phases of moon goes from
full moon to half moon;
and half moon to crescent
into a complete darkness.
leaving me with all that familiar feelings;
the same as how your love towards me
fades away bit by bit.
and when it is the time of the month,
the feeling that was there is all gone.

so is there any possibilities
for me to run away from you,
thinking that i've gone far enough?
because don't you remember
that when we were in single-number age,
we always thought that the moon
is following us everywhere we go?

and i ended up running in circles,
as i thought that i have run far enough
i am actually closer to the starting line
than i ever did before.
or maybe i'm just running in denial
because i never want to be
far away from the presence of the moon
and never have i ever want to
lose my sight away from you.

—L.D., "so, please, dear moon, forget to fall down from the sky."

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

6/4/2016 — Wednesday.

i fell in love with a painter.
at first, he drew me,
but then, he drew all over me.
red splashes all over when
he splats the paint away.
the purple began to appear,
when i left it couple of days.
black and blue & black and blue,
i'm confused if that's the feeling
that i'm feeling
or is that the colours that i see
up under my pale skin.

—L.D., “he left me with colours that nobody else can see with their bare eyes.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

2/4/2016 — Saturday.

if you were to be a fictional character; you'd be the one that makes everyone happy in spite of getting hurt. you'd be the one who will carve a smile on everyone's faces even if you have to carve your own skin. you'd be the one who thought that your existence doesn't really matter when your companion can be convenient to some. you'd be the one with the blue eyes although the actual colour is dark brown; whose smile fakes a yellow bright sun. you would be all these things in the morning. but when the sky darkens, and clock struck past 12, you shifted into someone you knew. someone you hide under your skin, scared of showing your own scars. people talk, people see; but do they ever really speak to you and watch closely? deep within, you have been hurt numerous times but you played that happy character so well, that even you started to believe it. you keep yourself busy by making someone else happy, when someone else is watching you from afar on how you try to mend your broken heart. you'd be the one with thoughts that will never shut up when you are on your own. you think, you wait, but for what it costs, you don't know what's actually holding you back in mind. you'd be the one that never see their own beauty, but appreciate others tremendously. if you were to be written as a fictional character; i'd fall in love with you deeply.

—L.D

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

30/3/2016 — Wednesday.

how screwed am i;
when i let my curtains down at night
just so that i can see the moonlight
peaks in through my window
every now and every then?

how screwed am i;
when i feel like i don't mind
a little light from the moon
when i used to the darkness
for so long that i forgot
how beautiful the moon is?

how screwed am i;
that i can't wait for the day to end
because i have been longing
for the night sky and the moonlight
to keep me company for when
i can't sleep at night?

all of my past lovers are the stars
but you know what the people say,
“the stars are dead but the light is not,”
that's why the memories still haunt me
but your presence lights up
the darkness inside of me
and make me forget how broken
was i before you came.

so, sweetheart, tell me how screwed am i;
when i don't care if i'm screwed
to be in love with the moon that much
to be in love with the moon, that is you.

—L.D “so, honey, if you are the moon, i don't care how screwed am i as the gravity has chosen us to fall for each other.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

hi guys. sorry for not updating the blog *blows off dust* the reason i have been gone is because my laptop was kinda spoiled. i couldn't connect it with the internet. but today i decided that maybe i could try to press here and there. and oh yeah, it works baby. 

hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?

Labels: feelings, life, ramble, reflecting, thoughts

hello? i guess? god, i haven't updated my blog for what it seems like, centuries. i was feeling so unmotivated. i do have a lot of things to talk about but i don't seem to have the motivation to put into words. a lot of things has happened this few weeks. one of them is i got my SPM result. i got 4A2B1C2D. don't ask. but gladly, luckily, i got A+ for my english. couldn't be happier. i do not have anything to complain about my results, really. i am really grateful with what i have been given. but it seems like some of them are not satisfied with it. why do they have to make me feel like i am being less ungrateful? ugh.

Labels: ramble

Labels: 2016, life, life lessons, opinion, ramble, reflecting

okay here's a thing. somehow, i find that one of the hardest question or one of a question with an infinite answer is "what is your favourite song?" and most of the time, i will just tell them about my current favourite song. it is impossible for me to answer an instant i have been questioned that question. i think i might have to sit down for a few days and write down all the songs that i love. then, i will be coming up to you with what-it-seems-like-a-harry-potter-and-the-order-of-the-phoenix but it is not. it is just as thick as that and when you read it, you will find that it is actually a list of my favourite songs.

however, in this post i won't be only talking about the songs that i love. but these are the songs that actually speaks for me. and you will find that most of the songs are actually instrumental and it is accurate. because sometimes, not even words can describe what do you feel inside, right? the songs that i will be giving out mostly have the lyrics that i found that even myself, can barely decipher thoroughly into it. instead, it will just end up with me thinking about that sing even more, trying to find and understand the lyrics, or what the story behind it. long story short, these are the songs that the lyrics or just the musics haunt me for ever.


and now that i have the song listed on my brain, i just realised that almost all of the songs are the only song that i heard and loved by a singer/band that i am not that obsessed with. (does this make sense?) and being the band obsessed as i am, i find that it is hard for me to choose only ONE SONG that i love from that band. that is just impossible. so none of the song that will be listed are from the bands or singer that i am obsessed with.

i just have to list the instrumentals first.

1. Nuvole Bianche -  Ludovico Einaudi.

this song is just pure perfection. i find that this song gives me a roller coaster emotion. it starts of slow and in the middle it just blew me away. this is the song that gets me to dance although i am not a dancer; even terrible at it. it just hits me in the right place. oohhh, and fun fact, this song is in the movie Insidious. i was actually trying to find the song that Renee was singing with the piano and found this one instead. it is in the scene where they have moved into a new house and found somebody changing the song to Tiptoe Through The Tulips and dancing to it. it was the song before that.

2. Lux Aeterna - Clint Mansell.

well, this one, also was a main theme from a movie Requiem for a Dream. the story behind this happened recently actually. i was looking at the synthesia thing on youtube, because i was obsessed with piano instrumental at the moment. and then, i saw in the recommended section but it was entitled Requiem of a Dream and i was attracted by the title. and when the song started, i knew by that moment, i was screwed. just like Nuvole Bianche, the song starts of slow and in the middle of it, it just caused a riot in my heart. and there was this one time when i was listening to the full original version of it, not the piano instrumental version, when i was in the mall with my family. and in the piano instrumental, it wasn't a full version. so when i started to listen to the full original version of it, in the mall, i got chills and i was just starstrucked by it. and i just had to watch the movie which i find it quite interesting. not my favourite but it is a nice movie. i ended up in tears which i always do, so no surprise.

3. Runaway - Dance Moms.

okay, this one actually i don't know what's the title because i found it on dance moms. it just happened to be the song from my most favourite group routine.; runaway/children with guns. when i rewatch the sow, i was mad because in the show they didn't really use the title children with guns and they didn't include the newscast. and i am super annoyed because the dance routine is just amazing and the story behind it just ahhhh. YOU MUST WATCH IT. i just love it so much i don't know why. but i am going to leave a video here.



7. All Time Low - Stacy Clark.

i found this song from the awesomenesstv series with amanda steele on it called guidance. and in the second episode of it, if i am not mistaken, the counsellor interviewed a guy, i don't know what their relationship were. but this song started to play when they guy saw the girl dancing. when i listened to the lyrics thoroughly, i just... felt connected to it. it is so damn accurate??? but the lyrics are pretty self-explanatory. but the meaning just got me like... that explains me in a love life at that moment? aha. don't judge me.

12. Strange - Tokio Hotel ft. Kerli.

THIS SONG IS MY MOST FAVOURITE. i can't even describe how much i love this song. this song is me in a song. when people ask me to describe myself in song, i would give them this song. every lyrics of it. i found this song when i'm trying to find the song from Sala Samabojcow (Suicide Room) <-- one of my favourite song. then i found this song instead even though this song is not the soundtrack of the movie. gurllll, it's the soundtrack of me, i tell you. hahaha. and they don't even have the music video, somebody just make an edit of this song and the movie suicide room. it is so relatable. i don't know how to put it into words. really.


13. Stupid Now - Drew Monson.

GOTTA SAVE THE BEST FOR THE LAST OKAYYYY THIS SONG IS MY MOST FAVOURITE SONG AS WELL. this is the first and strange is also the first. get it? both are my first most favourite. drew monson, if any of you who did not know (how dare you) is actually a youtuber. and my favourite as well. he is a friend of shane dawson. you might want to look drew's channel like i'm not even kidding. he is amazing. he is hilarious. just search mytoecold on youtube and binge watch it.

at first, i didn't even know he can sing or has a singing channel. i just found it when i saw his My Youtube Drama video. in the end of the video, he played piano and i was completely starstrucked by it. he just played it so effortlessly yet still so beautiful. so i just read the comments and found out his singing channel: thepophefakes. and i am grateful for it. his songs are beautiful. please listen to it. he is like lowkey musically talented. i am so sad that he doesn't get the attention that he deserved to get. the lyrics to this song is just completely moving. he also made a video about the song. what the lyrics meant. and you have to watch it as well. it is the most crucial part. because when i first listen to it, i don't really understand the song. but when i watched the video, i get the whole meaning of it and i am just so in love with it.

Labels: favourite, music, opinion, ramble, song

hello everybody~ how are you? good? good. no? i'm sorry. but whatever it is, i though i'd make another midnight posts because i like to ramble a lot during midnight, apparently aha. so yeah. also, i think i might change the way i post things. to be honest, i don't feel very enthusiast with my fangirl friday. i mean, i do love to talk about them, but i feel like it's limited with words. so i think i might cut that off. i don't know about friday i'm in love, but i'll try make it happen because i have to post once a month anyway. so yeah, there's that.

but yeah, since it's valentine's day yesterday, we're gonna talk about love, shall we? how ironic. nothing specific, just random. as that is what i do best. i don't celebrate valentine's day, but that doesn't mean i am not allowed to talk about love, right? so, to those who celebrate, happy valentine's day ♥ oh and mind you that i am having the worst headaches/migraine in the world <-- i'm just exaggerating, it's not the worst but it hurts quite a lot. so if anything that i will be saying in a couple of minute doesn't make sense, do apologise.

Labels: feelings, love, opinion, ramble

Labels: #fangirlfriday, happiness, obsession, popular

pt. II – how the breaker breaks the broken.

i'm telling you, honey. i'm telling you.
maybe you just turn your back to me,
have yet to move anywhere.
or that you just cover your wounds,
with a bandaid that keeps falling off.
because as soon as our eyes meet,
your heart finds its way back to me,
and your wounds were opened, unhealed.

i'm telling you, sweetheart. i'm telling you.
maybe you did build the highest wall
and burn all the bridges down.
but you threw the keys away,
leaving the front door unlocked.
so when i come back knocking,
you will open the door at ease.

i'm telling you, my love. i'm telling you.
maybe it's not the matter of time
for the wounds to heal nor
how far you've tried to run away from me,
you keep coming back to the same spot,
where you started.

because, my dear,
maybe all it take was the fact that
i have been there before,
that i know how to win your heart back.
maybe all it take was for me to
hit the right spot to lead me back
to the right place.

because, maybe
all it take was the memories
that was ever there and never left.
because you are too afraid to forget.

—L.D “the crack on your heart leaves a space for me to come and go.”

Labels: my writings, poem, poetry, writings

Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me, what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone who is life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts or at least we are getting there.

links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first

coming soon....