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❝ to the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered ❞








recent update :

my b r a i n
written on Saturday, June 23, 2018 @ 8:58 PM

Sodabella

so, for today, we're going to talk about my brain. yes, brain. i hope this post doesn't attract any zombies though. so yeah, here's a definition of brain in my own words. brain: a mushy lumpy and bloody thingy that has the capability to hold so many fucking things in it. weird how our body works, right? god is so powerful and we, over here are trying to take over his job and playing god. funny. 

but yeah, i feel like my brain is so weird. every little things, piques my curiousity and my interest. my brain literally never shuts up. even when i'm typing away this post, my brain literally has a say on everything. yet, i still cannot multitask. anyways, it will literally pop up the most random thing, or even the funniest tweet that i came across literally two years ago and suddenly i'm laughing. which caught the attention of the people around me. especially, my mum. most of the time, she got scared whenever she caught me talking or laughing on my own while i'm just doing my own thing. like, it's not a normal thing to do. is it, though? 

that explains the overthinking. my brain will literally create a scenario that are least likely to happen. a scenario that will cause death. sometimes, i feel like i'm in final destination. because my thoughts could really run wild with the worst scenario that could ever happen. like i would literally just sit down under a fucking ceiling fan, and my brain will literally show me a short film of how i'm gonna die when the fan is gonna fall on top of me and cut my head off. yep. and that is the least scary imagination of mine. it could be so much worse than that. yes, my brain holds the darkest thing. 

other than that, i think that i think of other people too much. when i probably don't even cross their minds for years. that's how unimportant i am. most of the time, i would be the one who remembers so much details of one event amongst my friends. it's so bizarre. and when they couldn't remember anything about it, it finally hits me that maybe i just like to keep all the unnecessary stuffs in my brain's memory holder. maybe that's what makes it so hard for me to move on from someone. because my brain just remembers a lot of things that i should have not been remembering anymore. that's the thing, i cling to something i should not be clinging to. 

what if one day, my brain reaches the capacity of holding what it can bear? can i delete some of the memories that i kept? would that allow me to remember the new things that i should be remembering instead? will i ever reach to that point? i'm guessing, yes because i remember all the little things too much that it kinda scares me. why do i remember all these things when people don't even keep the memories of such things? 

i remember a lot of things about them.
do they even remember me?
even just a glimpse of thought? 
of me?

maybe not. 


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hello, again.
written on Wednesday, June 13, 2018 @ 6:41 PM

Frances Ha (2012) Reminds me of me when I was a young & "green" artist/photographer, clueless, rebellious, stubborn...


hello, let's start all over again, shall we? maybe this time, it will be different. well, at least, i hope so.

but, greetings. i'm liyana. i love my name. because it really defines me.  the meaning of it in arabic origin is softness, delicateness, tenderness. that totally explains how soft, delicate and tender my heart is. although, the thing is, i don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. i'm thinking that it might be both. someone told my that my name also comes from the word lenient, which means that i am soft at heart. and i hate it that he was not wrong at all. because i am. doesn't really matter if i burst, or if i erupt, it cannot be for long. because my heart couldn't handle it. i am empathetic.

i hate how my name is aligned with my star sign. a pisces has always been portrayed as someone who is sensitive, which is accurate. so, i'm like, double the killer, you know? i was born in February, a month of love. i love love. i love loving people. but i think people don't love loving me. or they just don't simply love me. i can never understand love. love is beautiful. love is painful. love is complicated. we do things for the people that... we love. i do all of the things, for the people that i love. even if it kills me. in the end, love is one of the self-destructive thing that i do. love is one of the ways i harm myself when i know a blade couldn't do much. 

i am reckless. i'm a little bit of a daredevil. i have that little braveness in my heart, but i don't push it too much. i know when to stop. but i also don't know when to stop. when i love someone, i don't just love them. i commit to them. be with it; good or bad, harmful or not, i'll be there by their side. i am a very stubborn girl. nobody can stop me from getting what i want, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i always get what i want. and most of the time, i don't. i just chase things that are running away from me. weirdly enough, i never seem to be out of breath. and my knees seem to be working. it's tiring, it's painful, yes. but i like things that look like mistakes. 

people say that a smart girl can be so stupid when she's in love. i beg to differ. a smart  girl do stupid things when she's in love. and that's me. i know what's gonna come, but i stayed. i know that it's wrong, but i do it anyways. it's all because i love you. i left people for chasing someone who left me before and ended up being left again. it seems like the only thing that seems right in someone else's eyes about me is that i am meant to be the one that is being left. i do a lot of right things to the wrong people. 

i love writing. i love writings. i love to write. i used to be able to write a lot of beautiful things. now, it's just gone. the words that are once spilled through my fingers, like water have now slipped through my fingers, also like water. i also love drawings, and i love drawing. kinda. i can draw but i am not really good at it. the only thing that i can draw beautifully is my scars. my skin and heart are the canvas. ideas seem to pour mostly during nighttime. the ink is always red. just like how i remember what pain looks like. just like how i remember love looks like. when it dries, i picked the scab. just like i always does with the pain of the past. causing it to bleed again, and being picked again. it's inevitably perpetual. 

it is all the things about me that i could think of at the moment. but then again, i still don't understand myself. why i do the things that i do when i already knew that i'm not supposed to do the things that i do. why am i this way? did God write my life, create me to be this way? or is there something along the way that i picked up and that happened to make me the way i am? curious, another thing about me. i am full of curiousity. who am i really? why am i the way i am? 

guess, i'm still trying to find myself.
and the search continues...


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come back
written on Friday, April 13, 2018 @ 11:32 PM

― Comet (2014)“Because for some reason, I still happen to be in love with you.”




you know what sucks? when you miss someone, but you can't do anything about it. i can't even tell him that, because he doesn't feel the same way as i do. maybe, unrequited love is just one of the karma from not loving someone who loves you. but i get it. i don't mind that. i totally deserve the pain from all the damages that i've done. the damages that are totally beyond repair. and so now i wait. i don't know what am i waiting for. but i'm waiting.

maybe for you to come back. but that seems impossible now, does it? you have walked miles away and i'm still at the same place where i was standing when you left 2 years ago. my knees have grown weaker and weaker each day but my will and hope for you are still going on strong.

i wonder if somewhere in this universe, there is a world where you love me as much as i do. a universe where we live happily together. in which we fix things together instead of leaving. maybe somewhere in the universe, there is a world in which we didn't feel the pain of loving someone so much it hurts and aches in every part of your body.

or what if there is a parallel universe where i finally get to move on. since i don't want to move on from you because where the fuck am i supposed to go when you bring all of me with you on the day you left? i wish forgetting things is as easy as deleting photos and texts. it would be easier if the memory of you are deleted along with the photos and texts that i deleted few months before.

if only it's that easy. everywhere i go, it feels like there are traces of you everywhere. the harder i try to forget, the stronger the memories are. it's like they are trying to defy it. like they know something is going to happen. i don't know. i really hope that we meet again, and at that moment, you can finally see me.

the thing about you is that, i'd take you back in a heartbeat. even if there are 10 feet tall of walls that i built with my bare hands, when you came back to me, i'd tear that shit down in seconds. because all i want is just you. i won't be asking much.

please, come back?
i promise i won't ask anything back from you,
except for  y o u.



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-
written on Tuesday, March 27, 2018 @ 11:03 PM

to be honest? to be fucking honest, i miss writing. i miss blogging. i miss having the ability to just write and write like the words just spill from my finger to the keyboard, and form the alphabets to beautiful words. i should have embraced the time where i can write beautiful things. i miss writing about him. i miss him.

basically, at this moment of my life, i'm just missing everyone and everything. it feels like i'm dying. if only i could turn back the time. i wouldn't want to change anything. i just want to pay attention to the little details of my surroundings, knowing that that was the only time that i have to absorb the memories and appreciate things. my heart sank to the thought of that. i can feel like i'm losing myself. a bit by bit. i feel like i was already fading away, but i didn't realise that until now.

everything and anything slips from my fingers, just like water. sand. whatever it is. i have lost the grip. i don't want to hold on any longer. the past is pulling me with all of its force. i am stuck. people told me to move on, but where the fuck am i supposed to go?

where do i start
from h e r e

but i don't want to. tell the earth to stop rotating. pause, earth. i want to look him in the eyes for as long as i can because we both know, there will be no next time.

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love: make you or break you?
written on Monday, September 4, 2017 @ 11:30 PM

quote and words image



hello. i know i haven't been updating this blog since what it feels like forever. but i'm in the mood to write something and there's this topic or thread that has been going on on twitter that has caught my attention, and finally have had me thinking for the past few hours. the thread was about a best friend performing (is that the right verb?) sihr to his best friend because he got rejected by a girl who happens to be the best friend's fiancee. here's a link to the thread, and you can read it if you like (2)

at first, when i read the tweets, i don't feel anything but sorry for the victim and mad at the best friend. but then, when i read the second thread, it got me thinking. how much pain that he had to go through to act in such way. in the most inhumane way possible that he cause death to someone's love of their life. but no matter how much pain that he went through, it still does not justify his actions.

but it is still heartbreaking, to think that, someone who has been so nice to you your whole life, betrayed you in such ways that can't make you forget about it. it's heartbreaking how it is all being done because of love. you see, love makes us do stupid stuff. some of us sacrifice for love, pour all of our efforts for love, some even would kill for love. so it does not surprise me that when love breaks us, it makes us change into someone that we don't even think that we would turn into. when love breaks us, the pain is overwhelming. and that's how pain changes people. love changes people. when we are in love, we should know that chances are we are going to end up with a lot of pain. even when we were prepared to be in pain, we are never prepared to face the pain.

i'm saying this based on my own experience. not as intense, but still the pain was enough to make me wanting to stop it in a tragic way possible. i don't know what to say. this is not an advice, this is just a story that i think needed to be shared. because most people fell in love. so this is what we know that will come.

so that's love. it can either make you; or break you.

i'm debating with myself whether or not i should post this because it's not as good as i want it to be. 

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getting bad again.
written on Friday, April 28, 2017 @ 12:16 AM

thirteen reasons why, 13 reasons why, and hannah baker image
i might need a hot chocolate to cure this shit

i swear to god, all of my recent posts are a bit depressing, are they not? well, i didn't choose to have this depressing life, so... but somehow, things just started to happen. i mean, life. life just started to happen. and i am stuck in the darkness once again. but the scariest thing is that i have began to get used to it. like walking to a familiar place, receiving the familiar feeling of being home. that sounds dangerous, am i right? well, i don't know. i thought when i have found the light at the end of the tunnel, i won't have to deal with this any longer. but it seems like, another tunnel is waiting for any moment, any where. so expect less kids, not the highest. false hope is dream crusher. this post won't be long as i wouldn't want to rub my sorrow in your faces. so, good night. see you when i see you.

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?
written on Sunday, March 12, 2017 @ 9:26 PM

first of all, welcome... to myself? to you? idk but welcome to my newly edited blog. hah after all this time i have been having some troubles with editing my blog. feels good to see a new design. i hope you all like it, because i do. and i don't care if you don't. it's mine after all.

kayyyyyy enough with all of that. i just feel like writing something. well, sorry for using you when i am feeling like, dear blog. whatever. i don't know. i don't feel that good. is it because of my hormones? post menstrual syndrome? (wait, is that a thing?) but, all that i know is, i don't feel that good. i feel like i'm kind of disconnected with the people around me, or the world even. i mean i sure i had a dream where i was being sucked to another world, but i tried so hard not to let myself enter that universe. i tried to wake up, and i did. thank god. it happened like few nights ago. i don't know why i'm telling you this or if it has any correlation with each other. it is just that, i don't knowwww it feels different. i can't write like how i used to. is this what is it to feel like being replaced with another you from the parallel universe? can i have my old self back?

aaaa i hate myself.

this post is so raw.

but whatever.

i might as well just off with myself.

SHIT. what if i'm starting to get into that freaking hellhole again? shitshitshitshitshit

don't mind if i do, because all i want to do right now is sleep and sleep and sleep.

i can feel the exhaustion, though. the lethargy. i hate myself.

like i said, this post is so raw.

idk, i have lost all of my words.

thank you. goodbye.

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nothing and everything
written on Monday, October 31, 2016 @ 7:03 PM


bad, sad, and quote image


i haven't been writing for quite awhile, some time now. i don't know. it feels like i cannot function. some of the words seem to get stuck in my head. like i have amnesia or something. i used to write smoothly. at first i thought maybe it's just a writer's block. i still think it is. but i don't know. it feels like something much deeper than that. even talking about this makes me hate myself so much. because it hurts, not being able to do things that you used to be good at. probably i just didn't try hard enough.

i am kinda blacked out, for passed few months or weeks, i don't know. i have lost my counts. i mean, i don't know if it's depression and anxiety. i think it is, quite certain, even. but then i used to go to the counselling session in the hospital, but the counselor said that it was nothing. like it's just a phase. nothing's bad. then, i went home and started to live a normal life. i think it is. it has been good for like a year or less than that. but then it came back. so, is it just a phase? am i just making this up?


sad, quote, and black image


what i felt was like empty and heavy at the same time. i don't know how to describe it. it is either i feel nothing, or i feel everything at once, or both. i mean, i do have some happy moments. i can laugh, smile, be happy with my friends. but then, it didn't last long. and there are some of the time where i feel nothing. a total numbness. sometimes i think that my brain might be tricking me or some sort. like maybe it's sadness. but i know for sure that this is not sadness. or maybe it is. maybe i am just exaggerating. we'll never know. but it kinda sucks. i mean, feeling nothing, and everything, all at once. is this normal? i don't know how to seek help. i just talk to my friends and my boyfriend, that's all. at least, that makes me feel less burdened.


Image result for feeling numb tumblr



but then, there also comes the time, where i was sitting alone by myself, feeling totally okay with it, having some time with myself. and then,.. PANG! there comes the suicidal thoughts that i thought would be gone for good and for ever. it came again. no, i don't want to die. no, thank you. i mean, dying is scary, i don't have problems with dying. but i don't need to think of it. i used to want it, but now i don't. i don't even feel like i want to die. but then, the thought comes. it has been there before and in consequence to the event of my suicidal thoughts, i often forget to look both sides before crossing the road. i don't know why. i still am. i don't want to die, that's for sure. but somehow i just feel like i should want to die.

it scares me that what if one day, my body stops fighting. and then, i'd choose to do it. i don't know. what if, one day i started to defy mother nature. is that how suicidal people feel? like they don't want it but something is making them doing it.

and another thing, my addiction: self-harming. relapsing is another thing. i don't fucking know how to deal with this one. i am happy. i feel happy. at least i think i do. or maybe i just feel like i don't have a good reason to harm myself. but still, i do. it pains me that i have to hold myself from doing it. all the mental pain actually turns into physical pain. i can actually feel the pain. and then i do it, to take over the pain that i have been feeling. i feel like i am in control with the pain with how deep i want the cut to be.


Image result for suicidal thoughts tumblr


what bugs me a lot is when i got cuts by accident, and said that the cut hurts, people started to say things like"you used to cut, you are supposed to be immune from feeling the pain, right?" "i mean, you cut yourself. you should get used to it." what people don't understand is that it's different. accidental cuts, i don't have the control on how much of the pain that i want to feel. there's nothing similar with self-harming.

i also have been trouble sleeping. sleep paralysis, i got that quite a lot. and it is scary. i feel suffocated. i either starve myself of stuff myself with food. i don't know. everything is different. is it hormonal? i hope so. because i'm tired of people telling me to go out and talk to people, be happy, etc. it's not like i don't do that. i did. but it didn't work. it is as though people are telling me to do this, this, and this. but it didn't help. they are handling me the manual of surviving, but the manual is blank. i don't know. i've tried.


afraid, alone, and done image


right now i am just surviving. i have forgotten how to live. sometimes, i am jealous of someone who can actually feel things the way they should feel. i missed being normal again. i want to feel happy, sad and then happy again. but i can't. it seems like i am hopeless. i don't have hopes of feeling happy anymore. i don't want this. i want normal. let me be normal. let me live. i want to be a kid so bad. i don't want to feel this kind of thing. i don't know anything anymore. i just, don't know. i am tired. i feel lethargic.

quote, thoughts, and sad image
L.

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Poetry - "screams left unheard."
written on Friday, April 29, 2016 @ 9:30 PM

girl, water, and sad image

3/4/2016 — Sunday.

we scream louder than the thunder
left us with a burning throat
the truth is, once we've settled down;
none of our voices were being heard.

tears fall down like a heavy downpour,
hidden sobs shake our rusty old lungs.
when the hand reaches to wipe it all off,
the tears were never there;
only the fresh scars that stung.

people watch; but what do they see?
“we're here and so do we care.”
but how much do they really mean?
they all hand us a diamond
that were mistaken for a glass
when they have seen the mess that
they all caused,
they flee away, at last.

how many times, sweetheart,
tell me, how many?
you looked into their eyes
with yours that scream “save me!”
with a smile as sweet as honey,
for they never truly see,
how much you are breaking
holding yourself from drowning
in the depth of sorrow's sea.

—L.D

accidentally forgotten this one. ugh. 

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Poetry - "darkness comes to visit."
written on @ 9:20 PM

Darkness, friend, and quotes image

29/4/2016 — Friday.

you said that,
everything will be okay in the end.
but mum, why didn't you tell me?
a few of couple burns later,
a little now and a little then,
the sparks of fire will bring back
those burning sensation.
although the matches were never lit
and the flames were never burned.
just the nostalgic and traumatic experience.

you told me about the ending,
“everything will be alright, dear!”
but dad, what about the rising plot
and the climax before we hit the
dead end of the road?
leaving me feeling like i am dead.
because never once you told me that
when i put others as my happiness,
that's how i fall into self-destruction.
so maybe alright is not enough for me
when i have been crushed into dust
and blended in with the poisonous air.

the teachers never told me that
the moment i reached the recovering point,
it will never be the last i will get recovered.
because hey, a few relapses wouldn't hurt.
the crunching bones from my spine
echoed for lying too long on the bed,
when i'm thinking about the boy in my class
who vowed to never leave me
and solemnly swore that he will love
every inch of me and my darkness,
but ended up leaving me as soon as he bleed
when his gentle hands touched my sharp demon-like claws.

so, i covered myself with the fur
from the beast that i can never kill
because it has forever lived
underneath my flesh, bone and skin.
the darkness has been inside for so long
that it feels like home when it comes
to visit me, when they heard every lies
that i said when people ask me,
"how are you?"

this is a battle cry.
i repeat, this is a battle cry.
the pain that comes and goes frequently
never truly left me alone
even when, even when i feel better
the bitter are bothered by seeing
my faux smile and forced laughter.
because it knows for a fact that
i am never truly healed,
i just left the scars
untouched, untreated, unstitched.
so when it pokes me in the wound,
i fall into my knees,
begging with a plea to never come back
and to please leave me in peace.

with trembling hands, i twist the knob
to let the demons in and decided that
it could stay for another few months
until i finally feel that i deserve
a whole another journey of recovery.
but i am wrong, of course.
because this time, i am fatigued
with all the long pauses and breaks
before the ending comes.
so i just fell into the hole of giving up,
“hey, welcome, how may i help you?
drugs, blades, alcohol, punches,
or falling in love with the wrong person?”
and i choose with whichever
that can overlap my pain the best.

my thoughts are filled
with perhaps and maybes, that
just like when we miss the wrong people
every now and then,
we miss feeling the pain that burns.
maybe that's why, that's why
people don't let go of something that
breaks,
bruises,
wounds,
and scars them.
because holding on to pain feels
much less hurtful than
relapsing into the a whole new pain of
missing them again, and again, and again.

so, i quit reaching to the end.
and choose to stay at the pauses
with the pain instead.

—L.D., “darkness comes to visit.”

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Poetry - "shaken misguided voices."
written on @ 9:13 PM

art, drawing, and grunge image

28/4/2016 — Thursday.

shaking lungs, uneven heartbeat.
i breathe through all the dust,
gritting teeth out of the rust.
forced smile, awakened silence.
taking it in, as people pulling it out.

"i dare you, to look me in the eyes and say
that you are sick. you are fucking sick in
the brain that you don't make any sense
in this world, any longer."

i gave up.

i look away. because let's be real,
people always need an evidence
for every single thing in this mad world.
and i cannot fucking
take out my brain and heart
and show it to them how much it is
damaged, bruised, and wounded,
they'll laugh every time.
because if you cannot see it;
it was never really there, right?

"pull your shit together, hun."

i am indeed.
shaking, trying to get a grip
of all my broken pieces that are
slowly, but surely is falling apart.
as i hold another pieces,
the other one falls.

"why are you so lazy?
get out of your room."

i am not.
it just hurts every time i move.
do you even understand at all?
the sharp edges scratch me
and cut me open till i bleed.
bleed, and bleed, and bleed away.
wishing that i can bleed the demons out,
but i lose my sanity a lot more
than the blood that bleed from
the unstitched battle scars.

it is hard to make people believe,
when they do not fucking care
in the very first place, is it not?

—L.D.

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Poetry - "the phases of loving you."
written on @ 9:11 PM

moon, black, and night image

26/4/2016 — Tuesday.

i have never been in love with a moon
more than i do right now
but how did i fail to remember that
there are phases of moon
and when the time has come,
the moon will be completely gone
from the night sky
and all that's there is just myself,
sitting alone in the darkness
with the sound of midnight's silence.

the phases of moon goes from
full moon to half moon;
and half moon to crescent
into a complete darkness.
leaving me with all that familiar feelings;
the same as how your love towards me
fades away bit by bit.
and when it is the time of the month,
the feeling that was there is all gone.

so is there any possibilities
for me to run away from you,
thinking that i've gone far enough?
because don't you remember
that when we were in single-number age,
we always thought that the moon
is following us everywhere we go?

and i ended up running in circles,
as i thought that i have run far enough
i am actually closer to the starting line
than i ever did before.
or maybe i'm just running in denial
because i never want to be
far away from the presence of the moon
and never have i ever want to
lose my sight away from you.

—L.D., "so, please, dear moon, forget to fall down from the sky."

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Poetry - "shades of paint on my skin."
written on @ 9:08 PM

art, eyes, and drawing image



6/4/2016 — Wednesday.

i fell in love with a painter.
at first, he drew me,
but then, he drew all over me.
red splashes all over when
he splats the paint away.
the purple began to appear,
when i left it couple of days.
black and blue & black and blue,
i'm confused if that's the feeling
that i'm feeling
or is that the colours that i see
up under my pale skin.

—L.D., “he left me with colours that nobody else can see with their bare eyes.”

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Poetry - "fictional cliches."
written on @ 9:04 PM

book, girl, and moon image


2/4/2016 — Saturday.

if you were to be a fictional character; you'd be the one that makes everyone happy in spite of getting hurt. you'd be the one who will carve a smile on everyone's faces even if you have to carve your own skin. you'd be the one who thought that your existence doesn't really matter when your companion can be convenient to some. you'd be the one with the blue eyes although the actual colour is dark brown; whose smile fakes a yellow bright sun. you would be all these things in the morning. but when the sky darkens, and clock struck past 12, you shifted into someone you knew. someone you hide under your skin, scared of showing your own scars. people talk, people see; but do they ever really speak to you and watch closely? deep within, you have been hurt numerous times but you played that happy character so well, that even you started to believe it. you keep yourself busy by making someone else happy, when someone else is watching you from afar on how you try to mend your broken heart. you'd be the one with thoughts that will never shut up when you are on your own. you think, you wait, but for what it costs, you don't know what's actually holding you back in mind. you'd be the one that never see their own beauty, but appreciate others tremendously. if you were to be written as a fictional character; i'd fall in love with you deeply.

—L.D

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Poetry - "the moon and the speck of dust."
written on @ 8:59 PM

girl, stars, and night image

30/3/2016 — Wednesday.

how screwed am i;
when i let my curtains down at night
just so that i can see the moonlight
peaks in through my window
every now and every then?

how screwed am i;
when i feel like i don't mind
a little light from the moon
when i used to the darkness
for so long that i forgot
how beautiful the moon is?

how screwed am i;
that i can't wait for the day to end
because i have been longing
for the night sky and the moonlight
to keep me company for when
i can't sleep at night?

all of my past lovers are the stars
but you know what the people say,
“the stars are dead but the light is not,”
that's why the memories still haunt me
but your presence lights up
the darkness inside of me
and make me forget how broken
was i before you came.

so, sweetheart, tell me how screwed am i;
when i don't care if i'm screwed
to be in love with the moon that much
to be in love with the moon, that is you.

—L.D “so, honey, if you are the moon, i don't care how screwed am i as the gravity has chosen us to fall for each other.”

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it is i
written on Monday, April 11, 2016 @ 4:48 PM

hi guys. sorry for not updating the blog *blows off dust* the reason i have been gone is because my laptop was kinda spoiled. i couldn't connect it with the internet. but today i decided that maybe i could try to press here and there. and oh yeah, it works baby. 

this is going to be just a quick update. but for later, i have some poems that i will post here up in my blog. i have been writing quite a lot of poems during the past few weeks. writer's block has been unblock guys. here's just a quick warning. aha. okay so yeah. i will try to upload it later. 

just a quick update,
L.

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57. hey insecurities
written on Sunday, March 20, 2016 @ 4:42 PM

hello? i guess? sorry, i have been gone for awhile now. i wasn't feeling like i want to write. i don't why, i don't know why. but hey, here i am. let's cherish this moment while it lasts, shall we?

best friend, guys, and sad image


actually, i don't really have the main topic for this post. but i do have some ideas of what i will be talking about. the thing is, i just don't know where to begin with. but maybe, that's what. it's not about something to begin with, but it's about something to end with. 

i don't know if this is one of my insecurities or what (yes, i do have plenty of insecurities besides my appearances. but i mean, don't we all?). i want to point out about my clingyness (<-- is this a proper english word? whatever). is this something to be insecured about? is this a flaw? i don't know. 

i am this kind of person that will be clingy towards you when i am comfortable with you. but i don't mean like a normal clingy, but i will spam you with my texts. i want to spend my time 24/7 with you and get annoyed or mad or sad when i don't, and you have to do the same. basically, i will never let you out of my sight when i have reached to that one level of being comfortable with certain people. do you get what i mean?

i used to be fine with myself being clingy. not until someone told me that i need to stop because i am being annoying. and i guess, that has left me scarred and scared for life. my mind will be forever scarred that i am annoying for being clingy. and i will be forever scared to be attached to someone because i'm scared that i will annoy the fuck out of them with this clingyness. 

i didn't realise it until yesterday. that my clingyness is one of my insecurities. and i hated myself for being in such ways. i tweeted about it and one of my favourite people replied and said that maybe that person is not the right person for me to cling on. and that really opened up my mind. she is right. 

that person didn't even deserve my attention. not even my love, yet i still loved him. thank God i have kicked him out of my life. he was like my biggest lesson in life. he didn't even treat me well. why the hell was i with him? ugh. but whatever it is, i have moved on. it just that i have a few moment in my life where i will think about my past, especially the bad ones. just for self-reflection. so that i will never repeat the same mistake again. 

so, lessons learned, kids. remember that always careful about something that you gotta say about someone. it might be one of their insecurities. and for you to point that out to them, will be the biggest nightmare and will scar them for life. just remember that our insecurities doesn't revolve around our physical appearances only. 

and another lesson from this post is, if that person don't treat you well and ignore you, just leave them. they are not worth any attention to you. get you a person who can treat you like a normal human being. that can accept you and learn how to deal with your flaws. don't let them tell you what to do. just be you. if that person can't accept you for being yourself, then what are you waiting for? cause someone out there could love you more. (okay, to be fair, that was troye sivan's lyrics from lost boy but screw it. i like the lyrics and it speaks the truth.)

any way, if you don't feel loved when you are around someone that you love, then just walk away. you are loved. i promise you. but not by them. okay? 

i think that's for it now. i don't have anything else to say. i miss writing so much. i do have a lot of things to talk about. i just don't know how to put it into proper words and it is just to much that i don't know where on earth should i begin. i'll try to post as often as i could since i haven't started my school yet. so yeaaahhh. gotta gowww.


guddbai guddbai,
L.

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56. life update
written on Tuesday, March 8, 2016 @ 2:27 PM

hello? i guess? god, i haven't updated my blog for what it seems like, centuries. i was feeling so unmotivated. i do have a lot of things to talk about but i don't seem to have the motivation to put into words. a lot of things has happened this few weeks. one of them is i got my SPM result. i got 4A2B1C2D. don't ask. but gladly, luckily, i got A+ for my english. couldn't be happier. i do not have anything to complain about my results, really. i am really grateful with what i have been given. but it seems like some of them are not satisfied with it. why do they have to make me feel like i am being less ungrateful? ugh.

so i don't really have any topics to talk about today. so i will just rant out my thoughts at the moment. actually, i am updating my blog in my old school. i was supposed to assist my teacher for the public speaking audition. but the teachers are having meeting, so it got cancelled and i am already in school. well, at least, i am not sitting on bum at home, doing nothing aye? but i am actually doing the same thing, only in different location. 

i was thinking about where am i going to continue my studies. in which field? should i enter form 6 or should i continue with foundation regarding my English result. i don't want to waste it. so i don't know. not to brag, but i was one of the A+ students for english. there were only 2 A+ students aha. so yeah. that is why i said that i don't want to waste it.

also, i feel like i want to write a book. right now. not even in the future. but like right now. is that normal? but then again, in liyana's life, what is normal?


Life Updated,
L.

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55. 18 things I learned in life
written on Sunday, February 21, 2016 @ 11:17 PM

hey look, it foetus me~~~


apparently, 18 years ago from today, i was born. aha. yep. today is my birthday. weirdly i like my birth date because i found it quite hard to find somebody with a same birth date as mine. so, i think that maybe i should write a short post. mediocre short post. i cannot guarantee anything about how long this post gonna be. well then, i better start it right now.

so, here you go. 18 things i learned in life;

1. if someone doesn't appreciate you or treat you like you deserve to be treated, they are not worth the hurt, the pain and the heartbreak.

2. you make mistake because you are a human. it is normal for human to err.

3. make sure when you decided to walk out of someone's life, do not turn back around. 

4. love your parents. they may not understand you all the time, but they will always be there to love you.

5. if someone say that they want you, be sure that they show it. not just say it.

6. don't let your past define who you are now.

7. if your best friend doesn't like your partner, there must be something wrong. you see what you want to see; and that will cover up all the flaws. 

8. true friends will accept for who you are and never will judge you by your past. 

9. friends fight, that's that. but true friends will always come back.

10. not everyone wants to hear about your problem, let alone care about it. try not to someone solve your problem for you. just let them be just the listener. 

11. try to do new things. step out of your comfort zone. that's how you find yourself. 

12. if you want something, work for it. people aren't born talented, honey. they work for it.

13. sometimes, even though you do your best, it is still not enough for someone else. so take the matters of your own hand. do not depend on someone else too much.

14. when you are promised or convinced with something, always expect for the least. it is hard to find someone who keep their promises. 

15. do not let someone else be your happiness, they will always break it. 

16. people's definitions of beautiful are different. if they tell you that you are ugly, someone else might see you like you are the most beautiful thing in the world. 

17. people often sugarcoat things. so do not rely on the bright side. be prepared for the bitter.

18. it's quite flattering for someone to have a crush on you. but remember, being somebody's crush means that they like you for what they see. go for someone who has seen all the sides of you, and still want you for who you are. 

god, that is all. i feel like there's a lot of other things that i want to point out but i have limited into 18. this is just what i learned. doesn't mean i'm right though. this is just how i feel. i haven't been living for a long time. i still do have something more to learn about. toodles~

Happy Birthday?
L.

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54. My Favourite Songs
written on Thursday, February 18, 2016 @ 4:00 PM


music and songs image

hey guyssss! here i am laying down on my bed in front my laptop, typing away some words into a full on sentence which i hope does make sense since it is like 10 minutes past 12 in the midnight. yeah, i put my blog post on schedule because i am THAT dedicated. i don't know why but i have the feeling that i have the need to talk about my favourite songs.

okay here's a thing. somehow, i find that one of the hardest question or one of a question with an infinite answer is "what is your favourite song?" and most of the time, i will just tell them about my current favourite song. it is impossible for me to answer an instant i have been questioned that question. i think i might have to sit down for a few days and write down all the songs that i love. then, i will be coming up to you with what-it-seems-like-a-harry-potter-and-the-order-of-the-phoenix but it is not. it is just as thick as that and when you read it, you will find that it is actually a list of my favourite songs.

however, in this post i won't be only talking about the songs that i love. but these are the songs that actually speaks for me. and you will find that most of the songs are actually instrumental and it is accurate. because sometimes, not even words can describe what do you feel inside, right? the songs that i will be giving out mostly have the lyrics that i found that even myself, can barely decipher thoroughly into it. instead, it will just end up with me thinking about that sing even more, trying to find and understand the lyrics, or what the story behind it. long story short, these are the songs that the lyrics or just the musics haunt me for ever.


and now that i have the song listed on my brain, i just realised that almost all of the songs are the only song that i heard and loved by a singer/band that i am not that obsessed with. (does this make sense?) and being the band obsessed as i am, i find that it is hard for me to choose only ONE SONG that i love from that band. that is just impossible. so none of the song that will be listed are from the bands or singer that i am obsessed with.

i just have to list the instrumentals first.

1. Nuvole Bianche -  Ludovico Einaudi.

this song is just pure perfection. i find that this song gives me a roller coaster emotion. it starts of slow and in the middle it just blew me away. this is the song that gets me to dance although i am not a dancer; even terrible at it. it just hits me in the right place. oohhh, and fun fact, this song is in the movie Insidious. i was actually trying to find the song that Renee was singing with the piano and found this one instead. it is in the scene where they have moved into a new house and found somebody changing the song to Tiptoe Through The Tulips and dancing to it. it was the song before that.

2. Lux Aeterna - Clint Mansell.

well, this one, also was a main theme from a movie Requiem for a Dream. the story behind this happened recently actually. i was looking at the synthesia thing on youtube, because i was obsessed with piano instrumental at the moment. and then, i saw in the recommended section but it was entitled Requiem of a Dream and i was attracted by the title. and when the song started, i knew by that moment, i was screwed. just like Nuvole Bianche, the song starts of slow and in the middle of it, it just caused a riot in my heart. and there was this one time when i was listening to the full original version of it, not the piano instrumental version, when i was in the mall with my family. and in the piano instrumental, it wasn't a full version. so when i started to listen to the full original version of it, in the mall, i got chills and i was just starstrucked by it. and i just had to watch the movie which i find it quite interesting. not my favourite but it is a nice movie. i ended up in tears which i always do, so no surprise.

3. Runaway - Dance Moms.

okay, this one actually i don't know what's the title because i found it on dance moms. it just happened to be the song from my most favourite group routine.; runaway/children with guns. when i rewatch the sow, i was mad because in the show they didn't really use the title children with guns and they didn't include the newscast. and i am super annoyed because the dance routine is just amazing and the story behind it just ahhhh. YOU MUST WATCH IT. i just love it so much i don't know why. but i am going to leave a video here.



okay, i just gotta save the best instrumental for the last. i discovered this song from the game Life is Strange that i watched Jacksepticeye playing. it is just amazing. i love the game, i love the soundtrack especially this one. because they used this song when Max listened to the voice mail that Nathan sent to her. and it just breaks me inside. it still does. that is like the part that all part of me shattered into pieces. HEARTBREAKING AF. 

and here goes the song that is not instrumental lol


this song was also from dance moms. when i listened to this song while watching the dance routine. all i'm thing about is WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT???? i nearly cry every time i watch the dance routine. the lyrics is just simple but there is a whole lot meaning to it and i cannot interpret it which is disappointing for me. but all in all, i feel like the singer, is so underrated. and i have heard most of the song by them and it is actually good??? but i don't think anybody will know who they are which is very sad because they have like very good musics. thank God for dance moms. oh and also, the song was also from my favourite dance routine. so i'm gonna leave the video here for you to watch. 


this won't end quietly,
 this will be beautiful, my love.


here is another song that i am grateful that i have mobile data and downloaded shazam because i heard this song was playing in the mall, so i just had to Shazam it. and i looked like an idiot because the volume was very low so it is hard to Shazam, then i had to raise my phone up in the air so it could detect the song. luckily, it did its job. i would be miserable if i can't find it. but to be exact, i only heard the music, not the lyrics. but when i search for the lyrics, i was like DAMN GIRL WHAT IS THISSSS. the lyrics to it just opened up my eyes and heart and mind. 

i had a dream i saw a rainbow,
i could have sworn i saw the sun passed by.

i had a dream i saw the pain go, 
but what i hoped would be my rainbow;
was just a bruise on the sky.


7. All Time Low - Stacy Clark.

i found this song from the awesomenesstv series with amanda steele on it called guidance. and in the second episode of it, if i am not mistaken, the counsellor interviewed a guy, i don't know what their relationship were. but this song started to play when they guy saw the girl dancing. when i listened to the lyrics thoroughly, i just... felt connected to it. it is so damn accurate??? but the lyrics are pretty self-explanatory. but the meaning just got me like... that explains me in a love life at that moment? aha. don't judge me.

if you knew what was good for you, 
you'd stay away from me. 

if you knew what was good for you, 
you'd turn around and leave.


the story about how i discover this song is pretty darn cute actually. i follow this poetry account (@wasitw0rtit) on instagram. and one day, the owner decided to make like a playlist based on each letter of our name. all we had to do was leave our name and our favourite genre. and she dm-ed me a picture of my name and the songs, which i didn't thought she would do because DAMN there was a lot of people who commented on that picture. so yeah, and one of which was this song that got me attached to it. the lyrics are very poetic, and i don't know. it is just beautiful. this song is just beautiful. i feel calm whenever listen to this song.

when the stars are only things we share,
will you be there?


i didn't actually just found this actual song. i actually found the band when i was listening to other song. and then i saw someone uploaded the whole album of the band and i listened to it. i am attracted to the video because of the band's name. (Copeland is Kellin Quinn's daughter's name.)i like them. but i am not obsessed with them. but at that moment i was just trying to find a new song to listen to. so i try to listen every single one of the song from that band. and at last, i am only attached to this one song until now :)

cause i'm in love with my doubt, 
it's freaking me out.


i don't quite remember how did i find this song but what i remember was, as soon as i clicked on this song, i heard a very beautiful guitar arrangement in the beginning of the song. so then, i get the hang of it. until the end of the song. and that find that song just speaks to me at that moment. the words used in that songs just blew me away. and there was this one lyric that just makes me realise that, there's no way that there will be other song who describe it than this song can. i don't know. i just feel that the lyrics just hit in the right place. and i, even used some of the lyrics in my SPM Essay which you will find in my writings section in this blog <-- shameless self promoting. 

there's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. 
from a haunted past, comes a daunting task
of living through memories. 


this song is just plain big question mark. i am so curious about the story behind it. what the lyrics meant. it just left me thinking a lot. every lyrics just stuck in my head. i can't get away from the curiousity. every time i listen to this song, i feel like i can relate to it but i don't know which part of the lyrics. so yeah. that is freaking haunting now, does it? but somebody interpret it as the couple broke up because one of them cannot follow up with one of the partner's life as s/he is a celebrity? stars and boulevards? i don't know. all i know is just i love it. 

look out, they're coming after us with big guns.
they're only gonna tell you all the bad things i've done.
even if the words they say aren't truth, they've won.
now i'm left here dying in the sun. 


12. Strange - Tokio Hotel ft. Kerli.

THIS SONG IS MY MOST FAVOURITE. i can't even describe how much i love this song. this song is me in a song. when people ask me to describe myself in song, i would give them this song. every lyrics of it. i found this song when i'm trying to find the song from Sala Samabojcow (Suicide Room) <-- one of my favourite song. then i found this song instead even though this song is not the soundtrack of the movie. gurllll, it's the soundtrack of me, i tell you. hahaha. and they don't even have the music video, somebody just make an edit of this song and the movie suicide room. it is so relatable. i don't know how to put it into words. really.

you try to lift me, i don't get better.
what's making you happy, is making me sadder.

---

don't come closer, you'll die slowly.

13. Stupid Now - Drew Monson.

GOTTA SAVE THE BEST FOR THE LAST OKAYYYY THIS SONG IS MY MOST FAVOURITE SONG AS WELL. this is the first and strange is also the first. get it? both are my first most favourite. drew monson, if any of you who did not know (how dare you) is actually a youtuber. and my favourite as well. he is a friend of shane dawson. you might want to look drew's channel like i'm not even kidding. he is amazing. he is hilarious. just search mytoecold on youtube and binge watch it.

at first, i didn't even know he can sing or has a singing channel. i just found it when i saw his My Youtube Drama video. in the end of the video, he played piano and i was completely starstrucked by it. he just played it so effortlessly yet still so beautiful. so i just read the comments and found out his singing channel: thepophefakes. and i am grateful for it. his songs are beautiful. please listen to it. he is like lowkey musically talented. i am so sad that he doesn't get the attention that he deserved to get. the lyrics to this song is just completely moving. he also made a video about the song. what the lyrics meant. and you have to watch it as well. it is the most crucial part. because when i first listen to it, i don't really understand the song. but when i watched the video, i get the whole meaning of it and i am just so in love with it.

[i don't even know which lyrics are my favourite bcs they are all good af]




and that's it. that is my favourite song. funny thing is, i just realised that most of the songs that i've listed are just so underrated. when i try to find a quote or chords form the song, i couldn't find it anywhere. by the way, these are not the only song that i listened to. i listened to a lot of songs. mostly by bands. i listened to pierce the veil, panic!at the disco, of monsters and men, paramore, fall out boys, my chemical romance. and i love all of their songs. but i just feel like it's not fair for me to pick only one song from the band as my favourite because there is a lot of songs that i equally love. so... yeah. anyway, this post took me two hours to write. aha. this is why i like to put my post on schedule so i won't get carried away by writing the post. so yeah, i hope any of you who reads this, listen to it and like it? i don't know. i feel like my music taste is different from all of my friends. 


When Words Fail, Music Speaks,
L.



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53. Love ♥
written on Monday, February 15, 2016 @ 1:20 AM

hello everybody~ how are you? good? good. no? i'm sorry. but whatever it is, i though i'd make another midnight posts because i like to ramble a lot during midnight, apparently aha. so yeah. also, i think i might change the way i post things. to be honest, i don't feel very enthusiast with my fangirl friday. i mean, i do love to talk about them, but i feel like it's limited with words. so i think i might cut that off. i don't know about friday i'm in love, but i'll try make it happen because i have to post once a month anyway. so yeah, there's that.

but yeah, since it's valentine's day yesterday, we're gonna talk about love, shall we? how ironic. nothing specific, just random. as that is what i do best. i don't celebrate valentine's day, but that doesn't mean i am not allowed to talk about love, right? so, to those who celebrate, happy valentine's day ♥ oh and mind you that i am having the worst headaches/migraine in the world <-- i'm just exaggerating, it's not the worst but it hurts quite a lot. so if anything that i will be saying in a couple of minute doesn't make sense, do apologise.


harry potter, Valentine's Day, and funny image
gotta have harry potter reference in any post possible aha

so, love. i don't know what to talk about really. back in the old days, i was a naive, "innocent" teenager who thought that i was matured. pffft. honestly, i cringe every time i think of that phase of mine. ew. i really thought that i have to be committed in every relationship that i was in. like i felt the need to be the best girlfriend of the year probably. and my goal was to be in a relationship more than a year or something and i achieved that, props to me. not. however, everything went down to waste. what a naive girl i was. little did i know, a few years later i will be the ultimate heartless bitch who couldn't care less about not having a boyfriend. in fact, i saviour every moment of it. seriously, if you are single, embrace it because you have at least one less problem to care about. 

but it is not like i am anti-love or something like that, but i feel like "yeah whatever" when i think about relationship. i still have a crush and all (let's not talk about that). all i am thinking right now is my fictional boyfriends, books, and food. ah good ol' days. 

once, i read a quote somewhere from twitter. it said, "love is a feeling, not a decision." and i used to agree with that. that love is a feeling; not a decision. but then, i stumbled upon a tweet about it. and it said, love is a decision after all. and since that day, my whole point of view has changed and let me tell you why.

feelings fade. no matter how hard you try to keep that feeling, at some point in your life you will find you don't love that person any longer, get bored or maybe outgrew from them. and it is true. i may have experienced it or i may not. so i think if you are moving on, it is just a matter of time that you will grew apart from that person. and what will remain is the memory that will cause you a problem. because whenever you miss someone, you will always come back to the memories that you had with them. you don't necessarily go to that person and tell them that you miss them. NOT REALLY. so if you are moving on, don't let the memory hang on the back of your mind. let the memory go, eventually you will let the person go as well. 

you might think that what the freakin hell do you mean that love is a decision? how the hell do you decide that you love someone. okay, see. the thing is, as i said earlier that feelings fade, so all that's left for you is a choice. a decision for you to choose. you choose to love that person. you choose to be that person all over again. okay, this one, i don't mean for you to choose over a person again and again if they have cheated on you. nope. certainly do not. instead, i mean it in the way, i will choose you no matter how hard it is to be with you. for example, your partner have like a financial problems to deal with, but you are still there with them instead of dumping them. that is what i mean. we choose to love someone. even if we are mad at them. we choose to forgive them. not to stop loving them.

god, i feel like an old lady talking about this. but yeah, this is what i mean by love is a decision. indeed it is. 

on the other hand, i find that most of us will usually end up with someone that doesn't appreciate us, but we love them any ways. do you get what i mean? yeah, that. the only reason to that is we accept the love we think we deserve. okay, now listen. if you can't be yourself whenever you are around them, they might not be the one. the person who loves us will always be the one who brings out the best version of ourselves. and that is how you become happy for being in a relationship with someone. but remember that to not be afraid to have a fight in a relationship because it is totally normal. i used to think that a happy relationship is a couple who never had a fight. i was wrong, really. however, i certainly do not mean a fight where one of you beating each other. that is abuse. if you are facing that, leave them. 

emma watson, the perks of being a wallflower, and black and white image

my definition of soulmate is probably a person who can accept me how weird i am and do not bother to change the fact that i am just born as a weirdo. a person who i totally don't mind if i haven't been taling to for a long time, but when you talk to them after a long time, it feels like you haven't been missing a day of not talking them (does that make sense?). kinda like when we are with our best friends. you don't always have to talk to them to know that you are their friends, you just know that they are always there. a person who is a complete opposite of me. fire+fire=more fire. right? i always imagine that because i love to write, my partner will be the one who loves to read. so there, we can complete each other. but you know, people always said that if a fangirl likes you, then you are a lucky person. because fangirl has a quite high standard. and i find that, it is true hahaha. so, i think maybe i'd rather be in a relationship with a fictional characters rather than being in love with the wrong person. 

i think i totally went all out about love hahaha. but yeah, don't worry if you are single. the best is yet to come. God saves the best for the last. have fun. there's nothing to worry about. fate has been written for you, just pray for the best. we are all created in pairs, aren't we? so, no worries. you still have your friends. saviour this moment as you are still single. once you are married, there will be barely any time for you to have a pamper evening, hang out with your friends. so no need the rush. be cool about it. 

lol i am just saying this, but my heart is utterly broken because i will always be fanzoned by my favourite youtubers or i will never ever date my fictional boyfriend :(

weirdo.

so anyway, that is all i have to talk about love. what a post. i literally just mixed everything up in one post over a same topic. but yeah, i love you lots. oh and just a disclaimer, if you don't agree with me, i'm sorry. this is just my opinion. i am certainly NOT a love expert or something. i talk based on my experience. 

love, funny, and air image

Lots of Love,
L.

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52. #fangirlfriday: JackSepticEye
written on Thursday, February 11, 2016 @ 5:00 PM

TOP OF THE MORNIN TO YA LADDIES! 

here we go again with another #fangirlfriday. i wonder if somebody read this lolz. as long as i can be in my safe-zone (where i can fangirl freely), i could care less about anything else. so anyway, this week, i choose JackSepticEye because on the 7th of February, it was his birthday. so why not?





Name: 
Sean William McLoughlin

Youtube Account:

Why do I like him:

okay, first thing's first, you might want to lower down the volume if you are watching his video. that warning is for the first timer. not for the thousandth timers like me, to be exact. which leads to why the heck i like him. I LOVE HIM. the first video that i watched from his channel is when he was playing This Static Speaks My Name because i couldn't play Markiplier's video for that. and for that particular reason, is how i started to watch him more. if you are used to him, he is VERY LOUD. he shouts a lot. i don't know if that's a gamers thing or what, but he just have that feature inside him. and i like it. the moment he shouts the intro, i know this guy is the one. because, most of the tie you will find people will be very annoyed with people who shout all the time, so the fact that he starts off his video with shouting until the beginning makes me think that he is the one that doesn't give a damn about what people said. despite the loudness, he still got a lot of subscribers and viewers. but not all of that matters, he said. i still think that he is one of the most genuine person ever. he speaks his heart and mind out. i just LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOOOVE him so much. 

Favourite Quote(s):

"don’t quote me on that. don’t quote me on anything i ever say."

"wooshie whoosh don't take shit from no one."

"i care about each and every one of you and i'm here for you."

"shits deep. so deep adele could roll in it."

" see that’s what happens. i get better better worse worse worse worse throw the iPad OUT the window it gets picked up by some homeless man outside who thinks he’s won the LOTTERY because he just found a random ipad just outside and it has lots of cool things like geometry dash and he’s going to make a YouTube channel and he’s going to be fucking better at the game than i am." <-- this is Jack playing Geometry Dash.

this is so hard. i love everything he says :(

Favourite Video(s):

so, the fact that he plays a lot of series of game, i'm just going to link the playlist instead.






this is ridiculous. i like all of his videos.

Who do I ship him with:

with his GIRLFRIEND (WIISHU) DUHHH

SEPTIPLIER 

that was it. and i didn't include the fav collab as he rarely does a collab because most of his videos are him, playing games. GOD, i just love him. so make sure you watch his video and subscribe and all.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR READING THIS POST, IF YOU LIKE IT, PUNCH THAT LIKE BUTTON IN THE FACE LIKE A BOSS AND HIGH FIVE'S ALL 'ROUND. THANK YOU GUYS AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL DUDES IN THE NEXT VIDEO~

sorry, just had to do his outro to make this post complete.


Keep Calm and Fangirl,
L.

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51. Poetry #8 (part 2)
written on Wednesday, February 10, 2016 @ 5:00 PM

cages, sad, and truth image

pt. II – how the breaker breaks the broken.

i'm telling you, honey. i'm telling you.
maybe you just turn your back to me,
have yet to move anywhere.
or that you just cover your wounds,
with a bandaid that keeps falling off.
because as soon as our eyes meet,
your heart finds its way back to me,
and your wounds were opened, unhealed.

i'm telling you, sweetheart. i'm telling you.
maybe you did build the highest wall
and burn all the bridges down.
but you threw the keys away,
leaving the front door unlocked.
so when i come back knocking,
you will open the door at ease.

i'm telling you, my love. i'm telling you.
maybe it's not the matter of time
for the wounds to heal nor
how far you've tried to run away from me,
you keep coming back to the same spot,
where you started.

because, my dear,
maybe all it take was the fact that
i have been there before,
that i know how to win your heart back.
maybe all it take was for me to
hit the right spot to lead me back
to the right place.

because, maybe
all it take was the memories
that was ever there and never left.
because you are too afraid to forget.

—L.D “the crack on your heart leaves a space for me to come and go.”


Seize The Words,
L.

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50. Poetry #7 (part 1)
written on Monday, February 8, 2016 @ 5:00 PM

5sos, grunge, and quote image

pt. I – tell me how do you break the broken.

tell me, honey. tell me.
how can i move on from you
and be be completely healed from the wound,
but the second our eyes collide,
the stars come back aligned.

tell me, sweetheart. tell me.
how can i build the highest wall
and burn all the bridges down
but as soon as you knock on my door,
i let you in every single time.

tell me, my love. tell me.
how can i let my guards down
when you were right in front of me,
standing. just standing.
not even talking to me.
not even looking at me.
yet, i still fall for you again.
like you're the gravity, pulling me down
to the surface of the Earth.

—L.D “how can i love you again when you were the reason to the crack on my heart?”


second part of the poetry will be posted this Wednesday.

Writer's Block sucks,
L. 

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49. Friday I'm in Love: January 2016.
written on Friday, February 5, 2016 @ 4:00 PM

waddup yall. okay i maybe need something a little less cheesy than that lol. but whatever. can you feel the love tonight? maybe it is not night time but still, can you feel the love? weirdo. but whatever. i don't care. i don't care if monday's blue. tuesday's grey and wednesday too. thursday, i don't care about you. it's FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE. (if you sang along then, bravo!)

it's time, guys. the first time ever for this year. a monthly favourite post. last year's attempt was a massive fail ahaha. there was only one post for it. however, this year i came up with another idea for my monthly favourite post. so, i thought on how can i make it sound fancier and much more exciting than just *inserts the name of the month* favourites. so there's that. i took the idea from the cure - friday i'm in love. i hope i won't get banned for any copyright issue. welp.

the cure, love, and friday image

so i have found that i'm in love with a lot of things this month. so, bear with me because i have a feeling that this is going to be a quite long post to read as i have been doing that most of the time these days. i ramble a lot, if you haven't known that yet. but anyway, let's just go off straight to the post, shall we? (also, mind you that i didn't take a picture for the post aha so i will be taking pictures on google or weheartit sorry)

let's just start off with the thing that i love the MOST. like the most favourite out of all my favourites and it is a book. aha. how surprising is that. but i am sure that if you have read that book, you will agree with me that you won't stop bragging about it. the book is entitled All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. OKAY. STOP, RIGHT NOW. EVERYBODY FREEZE AND LISTEN TO WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY, OKAY? this book is just not amazing book. this book is beyond amazing. or i can say that, it is beyond perfection. so, if you haven't read this book yet, i recommend you to sit down, make a cup of tea and read the crap out of this book. i feel like this book are so underhyped and it deserve more than that. also, there was going to be a movie for this book so i encourage you to take your hands on this book and start reading now. you won't regret it. even i, myself read that book twice. yep. i reread the book as soon as i finish reading the book. i will never want to finish the book.


book, bookish, and books image


see, i just haven't talked about what this book really is about. i have just talked about how amazing this book is in just a paragraph, which i hope that i can ensure you how good this book is. basically, if you have read the book My Heart and Other Black Holes, it is almost the same. ALMOST. also, i feel like the guy character in the book, Theodore Finch a.k.a my boyfriend, have the same personality as Keith in the movie Keith. if you have seen that movie, you will know that Keith is the kind of guy who is different than any other else. he is very random and he did random stuffs, and so did Finch. i have never fallen in love with a fictional character as much as i do to Finch. maybe, my expectations to guys will be as high as the sky that i, myself will never be able to reach. bye, guys. i am going to marry my fictional boyfriend and live happily ever after. 

so, as i said earlier, there is going to be a movie for that book and they already chose Elle Fanning to be the Violet Markey and have yet to choose Theodore Finch. and as the author describes Finch as a guy with a sky-blue eyes and black hair, i think that Nicholas Hoult would be the perfect person to be Finch. but some people think that he is too mature to be Finch. but i don't care. i want him, and him alone to be my Finch. that is it. i will make all of you guys sign a petition for that.

enough about my favourite book. i will never stop talk about it if i haven't remind myself that i still have a lot of things to talk about in this post. phew. so, the next thing i love in this month is, the movie: Miracle in Cell no. 7. okay, this one. i had to blame my friend for letting me drown in tears. my friend, Sara, who i had a sleepover with in my house was suggesting us to watch that movie. and i have heard great things about it. all i heard that it is a really sad, sad movie. and the saddest movie that i have ever watched is I Am Sam. 

miracle in cell no.7 and kmovie image

apparently, this movie is kinda similar to that movie but sadder and it's Korean. and when i heard that it is going to be sad, i was mentally prepared. i thought that it was going to be like sad of a tear rolling off my cheeks. INSTEAD, there was like a tsunami coming upon my eyes. i was like Alice who is swimming in her own tears but worse, i was drowning in it. never thought that i will be alive. i proper cried like somebody just died or something. it was that SAD. so, i suggest you to watch that movie but all you have to do is be mentally and emotionally prepared of what's coming towards the end. 

scott pilgrim image

another movie that I have been loving is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. if you have heard about it, and never seen it, i think you should. however, i don't feel like everyone will like it. because it has a very different concept in that movie. it has like a mix of fantasy, action, musical, comedy, and all that sort of stuff. but i think you should give it a try. this movie is from a graphic novel and it is just well adapted. i think this movie is so underrated, because there's not much people are talking about it. but hey, i am not here to force you to like what i like. 

another thing that i have been binge-watching for the past few weeks and still am now is Dance Moms. i have been rewatching it from season 1. despite all the mama dramas in that show, i love love love all the girls. they are incredibly talented. GOD, i wish i can have all those legs and body and dance skills. although, i despise abby with all my might. i don't let it get in my way from watching them. because, we need to remind ourselves sometimes, that reality tv shows aren't really showing us the reality. some of them are kind of made up. so, i don't care what the show portray the girls as, i still love them. i don'teven have a favourite because the girls are all great and different. they all have their own capabilities. ugh i sound so cliche somebody please slap me in the face. still, i love that show since day one. 

look at that. i mean, DAMN. also, my fav group routine. 

the next thing that i love is going to be cliche so please go get a bucket and get ready to throw up any time sooner. it is my blog. aha. i love that i have decided to start blogging more often. as i haven't been to school for moths now, i think that my writing gets a little bit rusty if i didn't practise it on my own. so, i took blogging as my homework. and i feel like this blog is my responsibility although i don't feel like there is actually real people who truly read my most-of-the-time-rambling posts. if you are one of them, you rock. thank you for reading. i feel the need to improve my writing when i read Hannah Maggs and Zoella's blogs. they put up the words flawlessly and it fits perfectly together. whereas for me, i just threw in words that i think will make it do. 

the highlight of my month is probably the trip to Bangkok. and i could talk about it more but i have already written a post about that in the previous post, so you might as well want to check out on that. all i am hoping is just i could travel and trravel and travel until i don't have anywhere else that i can go to. maybe even the other planets, who knows? i'm a weirdo. talking about Bangkok, i just remembered that i have bought this lovely sweater that i love. it is so comfortable i could wear it everyday. and here's a picture of me wearing it so you can't really see it (but it's a rip off of a NIKE sweater but i swear it's comfy i could make a bed out of it and that is all that matters);



i know that i said that i have a lot of things that i love this month and it turned out not that much. but i think nobody will really give a damn about it hahaha. whatever it is, this has been a really long post. i doubt anybody else would read it until the end if i keep going on about other stuffs that don't quite matter. so it think, that's that. thank you for reading. love ya. x


Saturdaaaay, wait.
L.



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